Well I haven't come out yet and I am past 30. I live in a small country in a small town and a small village all together. The financial shit going in my country left us all without jobs. I had to go back to living in my parents' house. They are the most backward people on the planet given the fact we are not a 3rd world country (yet). These people are illiterate and mocking whatever they do not understand.
They  probably know I am different and they pretend I am going to get self-fixed one day when I am forcing myself to get married, they even think that if I go out with girls I will be a macho man and start being "normal". I really wait the day that I will be able to get out of this home and never return, not for my sexuality but because these people are energy vampires, they drain every point of energy you might have with negativity.
So how is life… well no dating, just porn during night, being the most friendly person on the village, people who never spoke to me probably talk behind my back (I heard a few do that). Every time I find out a person talks about me being "weird" I try to somehow talk to them in an irrelevant time and way and they they automatically have only good things to say about me. I guess being a true person and a good guy helps. Nobody has  a problem with someone that is humble (like I think I am).
How do I see the future? I am never going to get married and although I would love to have children I know it is impossible since getting with a woman is out of question. It is almost funny and sad at the same time when everyone "knows" but nobody actually knows I am not normal.
I dress normally, I am rather good looking, I no longer talk in an effeminate way, I no longer stand like a girl (when I was a teen it was drop dead obvious, now I am a little bit less aware of myself thus I became something like a null person). Heck after 22nd birthday I even started having a beard instead of a feathery fuzz.
I am also open minded, I never feel offended when someone talks bad about me. I learned that people who talk about you have a lot to hide and they feel insecure. There is NOTHING better than being self assured. When they see that their words do not affect you they lose their power, it is like I have magical powers on stupid and bad people.
I once had a weird conversation with a man in the village, he kept talking about weird and bad behaviors, he kept mentioning "faggots" and gays and such as degenerates. At some points I thought he wanted to make a point for me as if he wanted to talk to me about being weird myself and how I should fix it or something (as if it is fixable), but he was looking me into my eyes as if he was trusting me so, he was talking to me as if I was the center of attention and that whatever he said was being said only to say something... I almost thought he wanted to see my thoughts on it and then he would come out or something himself as gay in the closet who is secretly in love with me, hahahaha I still remember that, I told him I have no problem with anyone and whatever they do in their bed is none of my business. And I didn't defend the gays or anything so I never gave him any real answer to see his reaction. I do not even remember how this night ended, he was also a little drunk, who knows. The thing is that until this day I never understood what he wanted to say that night, and probably never will. He is also not falling into the type of men I fantasize about, so why would I bother. He is divorced with two adult children, he is like 35 years older than me or something, fairly good looking and tall, drinks a lot and smokes which I loath.
I have like a gazilion stories to say, I already spammed this thread with my nonsense though.
Anyway, I always felt that it would have been better if I was born a straight guy or a straight girl. Being gay even in an open minded society is not as easy. Having normal sex is impossible (the anus is not a reproductive organ, lets be real) and you will never be able to have children with the person you fall in love with. You need a donor woman for her eggs, then a surrogate mother to be pregnant with your kid and then have to spend the rest of your life explaining why there are two men in the family.
I would never commit suicide over my sexuality obviously. But if I could take a sexuality pill and turn myself straight I would probably do it.
P.S. I never had sex in my life and never will at this pace. I feel disgusted to think of a woman and I can only fantasize about porn actors and that is it. If I get close to a man I get the same nausea I get with girls (if not more). There was a time a homosexual approached me and I remember I became worse than the worst homophobic guys. I do not know if it was a self defense reaction or that I really cannot be close to any human being without feeling sick. I guess I am a theoretical homosexual and a practical asexual.
And now allow me to shut up.
