^
I KNOW THIS MESSAGE IS BLACK COCK LONG BUT YOU CAN READ IT LIKE A FANFIC ACTUALLY
(I mean it's not really a reply it's a story)
Well you know it's not something I mention or use to introduce myself. Though I actually tell you everything including how I feel, what I think and what I've been through, maybe we just didn't circle around that one topic.
Yeah I'm struggling with depression for more than 10 years.
Ok I'll brief you, maybe writing about it in public will help so if anyone can read, go ahead.
I don't have anything to do either way cause it's an evening here so maybe I'll open myself. Sorry.
I don't know what's the source though. I should go to the rapist… I'm sorry to therapist, I know, but I just don't want to. So I didn't figure out the source yet. It started after a primary school. I felt really empty and shattered when it hit me that I won't get to be around my friends anymore. + some people just turned out to be fakes and stuff. And accidents like this kept coming. People would betray and stuff. It was ok when I lived in my first neighborhood cause there were a lot of kids to play with and I spent all my time outside. But when I moved I didn't have any outside to go. So I would stay in my room watching anime or playing video games and living in this dark, nostalgic kind of, weird, strange world I've locked myself in. I lived in a bubble and had like 100000 friends. But then life started to verify it I began being use because of my good heart and I was doing all I could to keep those friends and to make them happy but it was all a game to them. Well maybe it was because I was too hasty with calling someone a friend. That was probably what was wrong on my end too. I was too naive for people. Trusted too much. I really had a pure heart back then.
Then my lovely uncle died. I didn't really see him often but he was so important to us. Something changed. I got a lot of responsibilities and no one even cared. I remember a situation when we had a group task in a class and I was working all the time in the class and then put all of the devices we used to a box and asked somebody from the team to return it. They didn't but I was already talking with my friend and the teacher noticed it and kind of started throwing shit at me that I don't have any responsibilities in my life and I don't do anything at all and I can't throw a fucking box away even though all other 5 people didn't give a damn. That was harsh because my uncle died and my dog was sick too (died a little later...) and I had German-African family in my house as a guest and I had all my mind wrapped about them and like touring them and making dinner or going to groceries and the bitch just said I don't have any fucking responsibilities. I guess I just didn't feel understood. My older brothers used to fight a lot too. Sometimes they wouldn't even think about me or care they would just throw a fight and it was always brutal. Like some things were broken around the house, they will bleed or the windows would just break. I would find a place in the house to hide and just cried. Sometimes mum would find me and hug me and tell me it's okay.
I think I had anemia too. I was really skinny. I understand it now actually - no vitamins, no diet, junk food, no exercising. All the time with games or on the computer. The other members of my family were gone too my aunt and brothers left abroad an my dad wasn't ever there, so there was me and mom most of my life. I had a lot of friends but I would also be picked on a lot. Because I'm half polish half asian. Yeah. You guys reading this from UK or US might think it's insane and not a big thing... Well it is here. It's changing now but 20 years ago Poland wasn't really tolerant. I would be often call just casually Chinese (no pun intended bearlove 
) but in really nasty way. Don't know how to translate it. It's funny because I was never bullied like really, really bullied, only verbally with people who found it funny that there's a half Asian. I remember in primary school someone asked me about it like "are you okay with it? how are you living with it. are you happy?" and I said "yes…I am, cause otherwise someone else would have to go through it. and I know I'm strong enough to live with ti". But it wasn't as bright later in other schools. My enthusiasm would perish and I would just turn to be the bully myself.
In high school almost no one picked on me. But still. I would have had a lot of friends and then there was one week that I just seen it all being so false and fake that I backed out. And the truth is no one really followed me. No one cared. So I was stuck with this one girl who was the pretiest girl in 400 000 town and she was always so loyal to me. She would do anything I'd say. So we sticked together and hated everyone and make fun of them and I would just build a wall with an irony and scepticism and that was it. I wasn't happy though. I had some suicide attempts actually. I forgot to say. I tried to have my way with Jesus and church and stuff. But it didn't help me at all. My mom is such a christian so almost all my life we went to church and I was on camps and things like that and it just didn't work... I didn't feel it. Sometimes I just pretended I do.
I found out I fancied a straight guy from my class and that's when all hell broke loose. We had a really good relations. It was all I could focus on. I was happy every Wednesday because it was IT class and it was the only time that everybody was so consumed with playing Counter Strike that I could actually just come to him form behind while he was playing and just embrace and hug him and no one even cared. We became close spend some time together, few parties, few nights. I told him I love him. He was ok with it but I couldn't just convince him to try. He sometimes wouldn't show up at meetings. He would say one thing and then another the next day. Make all the excuses and stuff. He would go and be drunk and not answer his phone till the next noon and I would be scared to death because I already set us up with my friends that wanted to meet him and I'd think something bad happen. I know the problem was me being to emotional and sensitive. But it was just a lot to take for my heart. I became really paranoid and had mental breakdown. Like I would just start to suffocate and cry in one second and couldn't breathe properly and pass out. Or I would destroy objects and go in a fury mode. I had few crushes before and it was always straight guys and I just couldn't seduce them. Not being able to find a right guy really made me swim deeper into my depression. It became my top priority. I started to care less about anyone else and always hoped I would have a man and that was the most important thing in the world. Then I had really bad 5 years studying and it took a lot of me. Sleepless nights because of studying and drawing projects I would have a lot of breakdowns. Then another crush but one of my friends saved me.
Geez this message is probably so long... But I would like to tell you about her. She was a girl from not so rich family and her boyfriend was her older brother classmate. They worked wonders really. She was always so stubborn with everything she did. I just didn't oppose her in anything because she had such a breakthrough tone. They helped me and I helped them. We were there for each other. When I would just go in a beast mode and kill everyone and tear apart she would hold me and hug me and take that all in. It's like she filled me with light everytime she was grasping me. She had that kind of vibe that was like : " I know it's not perfect and we're far from perfect... we're ugly and have scars and I know you're tired, I am too, but we will make it if we're there for each other". I even have a tear in my eye now when I think about her. She became a restaurant manager in 4 months. That's how good she was. I know she's made for greater things. But back to the topic.
I found music. I've been playing in a band for 6 or 7 years. It made me happy and our band was like family. I also had some things just to pour in emotions into. I was still not satisfied with so many things but doing gigs for people made me sooooooo happy. People would come to you and say they love your music. They would want you to sign their stuff. They'd say they came from far away just to see YOU. You know how it feels? You feel like maybe you're important to someone after all. We would start being noticed and gathered some prizes but then it just died. Well after all it still didn't solve the problem with depression. I also had a boyfriend for a year. That was a big and long-distance relationship and it was really mature. Sometimes boring. Too boring. He wasn't really attractive to me but there was some kind of feeling between us and we did a lot of stuff together. Had a lot of friends we would see everytime he would visit. We would go on trips or to Dublin and you know just live a life like being in a house for 10 days, babysitting a dog and do dinners and stuff and go sightseeing and travelling and then just lay on the couch and watch Family Guy and Veronica Mars. There's this line that keeps popping out everytime I think about it from Ben Howard's song "maybe it was peace at last...who knew?". It was calm. But calm is sometimes good too. I guess I needed that at that time. But we wanted something different. I wasn't happy, he didn't feel worthy enough.
I had a change last year's summer. Previously days would be like... hmm me just laying in bed and dying. Not doing anything productive. But I started working out. I started running. I wanted to be more active. To learn. To be. I loved the idea of escape rooms. Just going outside to eat ice creams with friends. That was one of the few times or even one times I can really remember this bold that I was feeling really good. I was like "I AM HAPPY" "it's good this way". This was the time my depression was actually suppressed. It's hard to describe it. With my depression comes a weird feeling I have hard time describing. It's like... really. It's like NOSTALGIA. Like I can smell it and feel it in the air. In the summer it's just like being dried on a pan by sharp sun rays that pass through my window. It feels really dry and dusty and exhausting. Like I don't know... A dried, dirty, dusty thick sock. (yeah I consider the possibility that if anybody read this all up to this point I probably just got discredited by just this stupid comparison). And it's like I can't really sleep during a day cause random nostalgic and anxious and ominous singals would come to my brain. Like pictures or sad melody either known or just made up in my brain to make me feel sad. In the winter everything is so dark and cloudy. This happens a lot in spring and autumn too. The sky is just grey and everything feels like it sucks. Like there's no point in living. The same goes with dark, black sky that's just overwhelming with it's darkness. It's like I open my eyes and feel no attraction. Nothing to really get up and live for. It feels like being trapped in a hell that has been in some way built in your head. But it's still realistic as fuck. I often call it a hell. Cause it's so negative, yet so empty. So pointless.
Last summer I met someone. I gave up on guys but here he was. Just like I dreamed. I dreamed of a guy like this so long and I've come to terms that it's something impossible. Like a perfection and perfections doesn't exist. Yet there he was. Mature but not old, just about right with his 36 years old. Settled - good job, secure, a lot of money (I'm just mentioning it because it shows how resourceful he was, I was never with him for the money or smth like that, I wouldn't agree on him paying for me). And the face. God. So rough but so taken care of. Bald head thick 1 day beard, juicy lips. Such a big contrast to his beautiful eyes that were like an endless ocean, not an ounce of roughness like in the rest of his face. His body type is like one of a kind so I can't really describe it. But I remember every detail. He was really muscled and all made natural. chest like a fucking wardrobe. And those thick short hair all over his body combined with dark tanned skin. You could feel testosterone in the air when he was around. And he was caring too. Funny. Used all those stupid emojis to make me laugh. Everyone liked him. But then something went wrong. It doesn't have a lot to do with this topic so I just say there was some shit that started to look like with the first guy I described. Excuses, lies, stuff like that. And that's what broke me. Because I made this shell and I told myself I'm not letting anybody in. I was actually happy before he came around. He made me more happy but only for a moment.
I really gained a lot of weight. 20 kg so I'm now 80. I put on as much muscles as I could for my first one-year cycle. Now doing the cutting.
About my beauty. No insecurities. I get hit up by a lot of guys even sexy ones (yeah and the fact that I had his attention too, cause he could have anyone but he chose me then). I have some followers on instagram too. I really turned out to be handsome. Nobody's making fun of me anymore.
Friends? Cut short but at least I know who's there voluntarily.
Music... after the band split up I started chasing my solo career. I've been writing to my drawer for 6 years but after he left me I made like 3 albums just out of the sleeve. I'm recording my first song and been getting a lot of positive feedback about the beta version.
I still have to write my thesis and get that Master Of Science degree and find a job.
Other than that. Everything should be ok. But it's not. I fixed all of the stuff I could and that I thought were wrong about me. But the depression stayed. So I'm still struggling with it. And it hurts even more now. I feel like all my life have been drained with him. I miss him every hour every second. Even in my sleep I get nightmares all don't sleep at all. It really really hurts and as much as I think suicide is stupid I told my friend that if I was to fight for my life I would just not. I'm a little tired of fighting all my life and I would love to rest and give up. That kind of closes the story up to this day. Hope I didn't bore you guys to death.
I know it's totally bad, but I'm being honest at least. I never stole anything in my life. I never cheated on anyone for my benefit. But I guess it was a different story when something comes to your house like "GO AHEAD JUST TAKE IT". Or I would not give it back because of the fact that I'm too lazy to make a parcel and send it back -.-
