Posts made by TwjT3NEc

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time…

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

On her radio show recently, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. … End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
  2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
  3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
  4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
  5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
  6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
  7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
  8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
  9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus
Dept. of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

@NudeDude84:

Any specific suggestions other than PG2? Anonymizer/proxy?

Proxies aren't allowed here as was posted for quite some time on the front page.

No wonder we are good dressers. We spent a lot of time in the closet!

~Isaac Mizrahi

When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for a single gender, he is a drag queen.

~ Noxeema Jackson, To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar

Nick: This is for you.
[He hands Monty a bust]
Monty: For good luck?
Nick: Well, you always wanted me to give you head.

~ Nick Stark & Monty Tipton, It's My Party

Don't mind me. I just remembered, what you are describing happened to me once or twice. Well almost. Next try went trough.

A long shoot: Could it be some security software you are using?

That's bad as you can't complete few quests without him.

Mind you, I spent hours searching for him. Then I figured, I could just search the web. That's how I found out he has a habit falling off the bridge.

That's too bad. No other workaround on xBox?

@raphjd:

Are there any decent RPG games out for the xBox 360?

I have Oblivion {plus all the add ons} and love it, except for the known bridge bug that lets vital NPCs fall through the bridge so you can't talk to them.

Ahh the good old Skingrad butler. Happens on PC as well.

I don't know if this works on xBox, but on PC you can get them back trough console.

Think I found it here: hXXp://www.uesp.net/wiki/Main_Page

Try removing the Flash (Active X version) and then re-installing the latest version. Sometimes it helps

Hope it helps.

@mgr:

I hate you guys - you stole nearly all of my highscores

Aww but we are trying to make up for it with jokes. 

It wasnt easy telling my parents Im gay. I told them at Thanksgiving. I said Mom would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual? She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed.

Gays are gay by the will of God. God does not produce faulty parts. God is not Fiat.

~unknown

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would

not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me

to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny
noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss
might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What

in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office…..

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.

We are… 

Hell, I don't even open annoying chain mails from my mom's bf. And I have firewall set to "Paranoid". Enough said.
is paranoid lol

Well… there could be:
1 month
1.11 ratio
111GB upload

For those believing in superstition.  ;D