Posts made by nhalizegt

Theres this girl,she is five. She goes spying on her big sister and she hears her cussing out her boyfriend and she says,"you mother fucking asshole!"Just then jill, thats the little girl,interrupts them talking and blurts out, "Big Sis,what does asshole mean? The girl surprised by the question,says BOYFRIEND! Okay , so the girl runs off onto the bathroom. Jill sneaks up on her dad while he was shaving and says boo! THE dad says "Shit!" So the girl ask her dad "What does shit mean?" And he stammers "Shaving cream". So she said okay and went about her day. Jill then runs into her mom, who was in the kitchen cutting the turkey. Her mom is startled when Jill comes in, cuts her hand, and says "Fuck!". So Jill ask "What does fuck mean momma?" And scramblimg for an answer, her mom says "cutting." All of the sudden, they hear the door. Jill answers and sees her Dads boss at the door. He ask "Sweetie, do you know where you everyone is at?" And she says, "Well, my sister’s talking to her asshole, my Moms fucking the turkey and my Dads wiping the shit off his face."

Little Jhonny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg? You get laid once in life, you only get eatten once in life, It takes 4 min to get hard, but only 2 min. to get soft, you share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother. Pass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day.

There was three boys called Zip, Dick and Piss They were in class and their teacher went out to make a phone call Right then Zip jumped on the table Dick jumped in the teachers chair And Piss was punchin everyone in sight 3 minutes later the teacher back in and said Zip down Dick out and Piss in the corner

A man goes to his doctors and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!" "Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

A woman walks into a bar, and guy says, "Can I buy you a drink." "Sure," said the woman. After a few moments of conversing she finally asked, "So what’s your occupation?" He says "I’m a Carpenter." …."To what extent of carpentry do you work?" asked the woman. The man states: "Well, I actually work exstensively with Wood." "1st, I get you Hammered." "next, I Nail You" "then, I Screw all your friends."

This guy was on a plane and he really had to pee. He went to the back of the plane and there was a line for the men's room.  So, he asked a female to see if there was anyone in the ladies room. She responded no, go ahead in there but don't press any of the buttons. He said alright. he went to the bathroom, relieved. He saw the buttons and decided to push them anyway thinking "what could go wrong?"  The first button he pushed was blue, he goes bbrrrrrr, that's cold having cold water spray into his ass hole.  The second button was red and he goes "oh that feels really good. How come there aren't any buttons like these in the men's room?"  The last button he pushed was a white button with the letters ATR on it. The next thing he knew he woke up in a hospital.  He asked the nurse "why am I in the hospital?" she responded "because u hit the ATR button" laughing hysterically while she said it.  He said "what's so funny? what does ATR mean?"  She responded automatic tampon remover.

AT WORK, Michael: Why you white guys always so happy? Casey: Because I make love to my wife every morning before work. Michael: Say whaaat? You get her to make love EVERY morning? How do you do that? Casey: It’s easy, I just say a poem, women love poems and will fall for them all the time. Michael: Ok, what kind of poem can you say to make her make love every morning? Casey: I say, "blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes of blue, I love to wake up and make love to you. Michael: HAHAAA she falls for that? Casey: yes you should try it. NEXT DAY TYRONE COMES IN WITH BLACK EYE FAT LIP AND A TOOTH MISSING. Casey: What happened to you? Michael: Well, I said a poem to my wife and she didn’t like it. Casey: She didn’t like it??? What did you say? Michael: Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, if I could roll your fat ass over I would do you like a dog.

One weekend a man asks his wife if she would like to fishing "No" She replies "Im watching TV" "Ok" he says "I will take the dog" The following weekend he asks her the same "No" She replies "Im watching Eastenders on TV" "Ok" he says "I will take the dog" This goes on for a few weeks until one day he gets pissed off. "Look you can either come fishing, give me a blow job or take it up the arse" he shouts She thinks for a moment and decides to give him a BJ. He then takes the dog fishing. This goes on for many weeks. " Fishing, blowjob or up the arse?" to which she always chooses blowjob and he always ends up taking his poor dog fishing. One weekend she goes down to blow him. " FUCKING HELL WHATS THAT SHITTY SMELL???" she screams " Oh the dog didnt want to come fishing this weekend " he replies

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?" "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?" "We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I’m a YUPPIE, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist" The second guy says "I’m a DINK...Dual Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I’m a RUB...Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "I’m a WIFE...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." A second woman answers their question before they even ask it, "BITCH." "What exactly is a BITCH?!" they ask in unison. "Babe In Total Control of Herself." So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch", smile and say "Thank You!!"

A boy and his friends at school are being called barstards and bitches. The Boy goes home and says " Dad what are barstads and bitches" He says " ladys and gentlemen" then he goes up stairs to see his mum. He drops a perfume bottle and his mom says "shit" The boy says " mum what is shit" and she says "perfume" So he goes to see his dad (who is cutting the chicken) and his dad cuts him self and says " FUCK" The boy says "what does fuck mean" and he says " cutting. Then he follows his dad up stairs and his mum and dad are about to have sex when his dad says " where are the condoms?" HE says "what are condoms?" and his father says "coats and jackets". The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says " Hello come in Barstads and bitches, hang your condoms up here, My mum is up stairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is down stairs fucking the chicken.

They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed. "I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark. "Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent." Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. "But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand." Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"

A little boy is in the shower with his mom when he looks down at her bush, confused he asks. "Mommy whats that?" she simply tells him. "Honey, thats my washcloth." He seems ok with that answer until the next day they are in the shower again. He looks down at his mom’s shaved pussy and asks. "Mommy, Mommy what happened to your washcloth?" His mother then replies. "I lost it." Once again the kid seems ok with the answer. So the next day the kid comes running up to his mom and says. "Mommy, Mommy I found the washcloth, the babysitter was using it to wash daddy’s face."

A rich condescending lawyer is driving down the road when he spots a man eating grass, Curious he rolled his window down and asked what he was doing? I'm homeless and so poor I have to eat grass, Well said the lawyer jump in ill take you home and feed you, Half way down the road the hobo says, I have a wife and two kids as well "Well…" says the lawyer "Bring them two" "Really...?" ask’s the hobo "Yes" say the lawyer................"My grass hasnt been cut for months."

Two women walking home pissed had to do a pee so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so one woman used her knickers and threw them away. The other used a ribbon from a wreath. The next day their husbands were talking. We’d better keep an eye on our wives, one said, mine came home without her knickers. You think that’s bad, said the other, mine had a card up her arse saying "From all the lads at the fire station, we’ll never forget you"

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Two guys driving and there car breaks So they got to a fruit farmer and say "Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight" The fruit farmer replies "Sure you can stay upstairs with my daughter just no sleeping with her" Unfortunately his daughter was a knock out so the two guys screwed the hell out of her The next day the fruit farmer says since you disobeyed me i want each of you to go out in my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit. Relieved, the two guys said I thought he would be pissed So the two guys set out to pick there fruit The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries. To his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun And the fruit farmer says "Now shove them all up you ass" Well the guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling, He gets to 50 and he starts laughing, Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers Not amused the fruit farmer yells "What the hell so goddamn funny?" The guy replies "I'm just laughing at my buddy because he is picking watermelons"

A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says,’Can I help you, sir’ He goes, ’ Yea u fucking bitch I wanna open a fucking account’ Clerk, ’Please there’s no need for cussin’ ’Yo motherfucka I just wanna open a fuckin account.’ ’Sir I’ll help u but watch ur language’ So the manager comes over,’ Is there a problem here?’ Dude says,’ Yea mothafucka I’m trying to fuckin open a motherfuckin account an’ this motherfuckin’ bitch won’t let me.’ ’Please sir don’t curse and how much are you opening the account with?’ Dude,’ 7 million $$’ Manager,’ And this motherfuckin bitch ain’t helpin’ you?’

One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don’t we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?" So they get to the motel and go into the room. Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( it’s been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard. Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. "My God woman" he says "you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"