Posts made by nhalizegt

There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty. The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size. So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size. Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger. Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"

A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho. After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The boy answers: When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I'll fuck her. When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car. Tonight, my parents will fuck. Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman, AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!!!

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner – I had to do all the work."

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. 'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

This guy and this girl are at the end of their blind date and before he says good night to her she asks him if he wants to have a drink and he says ’’yes’’ so they go in the house and they go in her room and she says’’close your eyes i have a surprize for you’’.she later says ’’you can open your eyes now’’ he opens them and she has whipped cream all over her ’’pussy" and he goes and start eating the whip cream until he found himself with a dick in his mouth,the girl starts crying and says’’i should of never lied to you, I'm a man my name is Bob and im a plumber from massachusetts and the guy with a shocked look says’’i thought you were from boston’’

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!” Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese’s Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ’O’ Honey?” (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ’N’ Plenty, when all the sudden… my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Cadbury Egg in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth! Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar was invented in 1900. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups was invented 1923. Butterfinger was invented in 1923. Snickers Bar was invented in 1930. 3 Musketeers Bar was invented in 1932. Kit Kat was invented 1933. Nestle's Crunch was invented 1938 M&M's were invented in 1940. Kandy Kake (original name of Baby Ruth) invented in 1920's The Three Musketeers bar was introduced in 1932. The original 3 Musketeers had 3 bars in one wrapper, each with a different flavor.

A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way. The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way. The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.”

There is a medical conference at the local hospital and many doctors are invited. During the conference a man spots a super sexy and fit female doctor. After the conference he goes up to her and "Asks do you want to go out for a drink?". "Yes please" she said. Before they settle down for the drink the woman says "I must wash my Hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they drink their drink. Next they go for a meal. Before they eat the woman says "I must go and wash my hands". So she washes her hands and she comes back and they have their meal. When they return home they realise they are really turned on by each other and they give in to their throbbing urges and decide to have sex. But before they have sex the women says again "I must go and wash my hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they have sex. A fter they have had sex the man says to the woman "You are a surgeon, aren’t you". "Yes" she replies "how do you know that". "Well" he says "you are always going and washing your hands". Then the women says to the man "you are an anaesthetist aren’t you". "Yes" he says "how do you know that. "Well" she says "because I did not feel a prick"

Every day a 3rd grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

One day two single friends, Derek and Chris, were clubbing and grabbing digits left and right. Chris ended up getting blasted, but insisted on drinking and driving and they flew over a curve and both of them died. Derek went to heaven and Chris went to hell. Well, Derek has seen all of heaven and wants to see his buddy Chris in hell. So Derek asks God if he can go to hell and check on his buddy Chris. God allows Derek to go down to hell and find Chris To his amazement Chris isn’t being tortured but has a beautiful girl on his lap and a beer in his hand. Derek, furious, doesn’t even talk to his friend instead he heads straight to heaven and asks God, "How come Chris has this beautiful woman and cold beer to drink and I haven’t got any of that?". "Well",God says, "The beer has got a hole in it and the woman doesn’t!"

Three friends by the names Fuckoff, Shit, and Manners go for a walk but Shit gets run over. So Fuckoff goes to look for help when he finds a Local Policeman He tells him what happened and the Cop says "Slow down pal, Whats your name?" "Fuckoff" he replies The cop says "Name please?" This time he replied a little slower making sure to enunciate the syllables "Fuuuuck offfffff" The policeman begins losing it big time and says "Where's your manners?" The reply came back "Picking shit up off the road"

A night after tricks, three hookers who lived together were sitting around having coffee and discussing the tricks from the night before. The first one said " I had a fireman the night before and the other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "That’s easy … his hose was over his shoulder and he smelt like like smoke." The second one said "I had a policeman ... "The other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "He pulled out his handcuffs and used his night stick on me." The thrid one said I had a farmer last night and the other two said "A farmer are you sure?" and she said "Yes, first he bitched it was too wet, then too dry and then he wanted to wait until spring to pay me."

One day there were these 3 men in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. The first guy said, "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp." The second guy said, "That’s nothing, I got my DUI." The third guy said, "I went home and blew chunks." The first and second guy asked the third guy what was so bad about that and the third guy said, "NO! You guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog!"

There are three young boys walking on a beach. They see a hot chick in a skimpy bikini. Two of the friends stop to stare but the other friend runs away. The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again, now she is topless. Two friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away. The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again, now is completely naked! Two friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away. The Two friends catch up to the last guy and ask him,"Why are you running away from such a beautiful sight?" He says,"My mother told me when I was a little boy that if a man saw a naked woman, he would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something getting hard."

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief says to them, "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit. "So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples. The Chief explains the trial to him, "You must shove the fruits up your butt without any statement on your face or you will be eaten." The first apple was okay but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer). Dick comes back with 10 berries and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. But on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed. Tom and Dick meet in heaven where Tom asks, "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples."

There were three guys, Bill, John and Gary. They traveled all the way to the top of a mountain because there was a rumor of an old legend that if you climbed to the top of this one mountain you could jump off and have any wish you would like. So when they finally reached the top John said to Bill: "Ummm…hey you know you were the one who made this possible so whay don't you go first? heh heh" he said because he didn't think it would work. "No thats okay you can go first John" Bill said pushing John off the side of a mountain. "AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!"John yelled. "Quick make a wish Johnny-Boy!" Gary yelled out. "I-...I WISH I WAS AN EAGLE!" John screamed as he suprisingly turned into an eagle before their eyes. "YEAH!!! I'm an eagle! awsome...ummmmm...okay uh now how do you fly this thing?" he asked himself as he flew into a wall. The other two started to laugh. "Okay my turn!"Gary said. "hmmmmm..." He jumped off and said "I wish I could be a bat he said as he started to look at the sun. "Aaghh I'm blind! I'm blind!" "Stupid..."Bill said laughing. "Okay..." He started to ponder when he slipped and fell off the side of the mountain. "OH CRAP!!!" When he landed, he turned into a pile of crap.