Posts made by nhalizegt

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows." He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens." The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?" The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?" A lady close by says, "why do you keep calling your son fat head". And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along.

One day, my husband was at home, but i was working late. My father in law was at my house too. My husband always likes it when i made love to him in the dark, so after I got home I went upstairs and made love to him in the dark. Then I went downstairs and my husband was sittin on the couch. I said, "how'd you get down here before me?" He said "shhh!my dad is upstairs sleeping in our bed"

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'dick.' Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

A man came home from work oneday and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system. He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab thier jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go. He also told her he wanted to use the same system so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to strip naked and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go. When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped naked and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air. After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4. A confused husband asks what's bell 4, the wife replies "you need more hose, more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?" Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there." The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"

A 14yr old boy ran into his house yelling "mom mom come quick, I have great news!" The mother asked "what is it, what's so exciting!" "I had sex for the first time today!" replied the boy The mother gasped, raised her hand and slapped the boy across the face. "get up to your room and stay ther until your father gets home!!" yelled the mother. An hour later the boys father arrived home, got the update from the mother and went upstairs to talk to the boy. "So I hear you had sex for the first time today" said the father "Your mother is upset, but I think this is something for a father and son to celebrate! What do you say we go and get you that motor-bike you've been asking for?" "wow, answered the boy, "But do you think we can wait until tomorrow, my ass is still killing me!!"

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you've got to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the court.

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds

Freddy and Wilam are laying in bed with Pebbles and Pebbles looks down and sees Freddy's penis and says "What's that daddy" and Freddy says "Thats my rock" and then Pebbles thinks for a little while and then looks down again and sees Wilma's vagina and says "mommy whats that?" and Wilma says "Thats my rock grinder" Pebbles thinks for a while and then says "Oooo I get it, so daddy puts his rock in momma's rock grinder and out comes Pebbles

As I lay here with my legs spread Like hot butter bleeding on stale bread. The warm insides of my cantaloupe thighs cry out in extasy as you eat my cherry pie. Visions of cucumbers often enter my mind and sometimes hot dogs, the plump when you cook'em kind Whipped cream all covered with goo slurping green jello in the tub with you You are my world my little cupcake, I want to lick your cream filling until you ache. Your Juicy Avacadoes so plump, and so ripe. Lets just do it in the kitchen tonight!!

There once was a magical genie in a forest in montana, there was this fat guy walking from the forest after making his wish, later the next day he showed up at work with a 8 inch tall piano player. His friend asked him where did he get the little man from.he replied,"there is this magical forest down past 5th street",but when you make your wish you have to speak very slowly.his friend asked,"why do i have to talk so slowly?",the dude replies,"do you really think i would really think i wanted a 8-inch pianist to please my wife??!!

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "Tell all of your sins, my daughter." "Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it." "Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?" "No," the priest says, "But it'll wipe that smile off your face!"

One day a mom and her son went to the zoo.There they saw two monkeys having sex. The son asked "What are they doing?". The mom said "Ohh they are making frosting", then they saw hippos doing it then he said "Mom what are they doing?" "Making frosting" she said. Later that night he saw there mom doing it. In the morning he said "Mom you and dad were making frosting so i ate it!"

Two guys driving and there car breaks So they got to a fruit farmer and say "Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight" The fruit farmer replies "Sure you can stay upstairs with my daughter just no sleeping with her" Unfortunately his daughter was a knock out so the two guys screwed the hell out of her The next day the fruit farmer says since you disobeyed me i want each of you to go out in my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit. Relieved, the two guys said I thought he would be pissed So the two guys set out to pick there fruit The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries. To his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun And the fruit farmer says "Now shove them all up you ass" Well the guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling, He gets to 50 and he starts laughing, Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers Not amused the fruit farmer yells "What the hell so goddamn funny?" The guy replies "I'm just laughing at my buddy because he is picking watermelons"

A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says,'Can I help you, sir' He goes, ' Yea u fucking bitch I wanna open a fucking account' Clerk, 'Please there's no need for cussin' 'Yo motherfucka I just wanna open a fuckin account.' 'Sir I'll help u but watch ur language' So the manager comes over,' Is there a problem here?' Dude says,' Yea mothafucka I'm trying to fuckin open a motherfuckin account an' this motherfuckin' bitch won't let me.' 'Please sir don't curse and how much are you opening the account with?' Dude,' 7 million $$' Manager,' And this motherfuckin bitch ain't helpin' you?'

Mom: Didn't I tell you if any guy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Daughter: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"

A man is driving down the road when he sees a car off the side of the road, on it's top, and in flames. No one else is around, so he gets out to see if he can help. Inside, he finds a beautiful woman and she is bleeding profusely. He rushes her to the hospital, where she spends the next six months. He stays by her side day and night caring for her, even donating blood to her as needed. When she is released, they continue seeing each other and get married soon after. Everything was great for a few years, then she realizes that he doesn't give a shit about anything but his money and she decides to leave him. She comes walking down the stairs, car keys and bulging suitcases in hand. He stops her, says "where are you going with those keys, I bought that car, it belongs to me." She tosses him the keys and keeps walking. "And those clothes and the suitcases, I've bought it all." She throws down the clothes and keeps walking. She get to the door when he says "Come to think of it, about half the blood in your body belongs to me, you're not going anywhere." She quickly reaches down and pulls out her tampon, throws it in his face and says, "Fine, I'll pay you back in monthly installments."

One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink. While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was still asking about a woman. Finally the bartender sent his friends upstairs on a mission and they returned shortly. Then the bartender told the cowboy that they only had one woman there but she was upstairs waiting on him. (the bartender's friends had carried a blow-up doll upstairs and placed her in his bed) At this point the cowboy bid everyone good night and slowly climbed the stairs. Filled with anticipation he approached the room and went inside as the men downstairs listened with great interest. After a few moments, they heard the bed springs squeaking and moans of pleasure coming from the room The roared with laughter. Then everything was quiet. Not beinging able to sleep with anticipation of the coming morning, the men decided to play poker through the night and await the man coming down the next morning. As he came down the stairs, they noticed a strange look on his face. They asked: "Well, cowboy, how was the woman." He hestitated, then answered: "Man, that was the best piece of ass I ever had, but the strangest thing happened." After I screwed her i bit her on the titty and she farted and flew out the window and I haven't seen her since.

A woman was taking a shower, in the upstairs bathroom, she gets finished and puts on a towel over her. Her husband takes a shower right after her. When the husband walks in to take a shower the doorbell rings. So the woman goes to answer the door … It is there next door neighbor (Stan) she answers the door Stan says " ill give u $800 if u drop that towel" so she did and Stan gave her $800. Stan leaves and the woman walks back upstairs Her husband asks..."who was that hunny" and she says" oh it was just Stan" The husbands asks " did he mention anything about that $800 dollars he owes me?"