Posts made by nhalizegt

Two men are sitting at a bar. One impeccably dressed in an Armani suit the other in his work clothes. The business man turns to the other and says " I bought my wife a brand new BMW and a 5 carat diamond for mother's day" The worker looks confused and say "Why two such extravagant gifts?" "Well…if she decides she doesn't like the ring she can drive her BMW back to Tiffany's and exchange it for what she would prefer" "Oh" says the worker" I did something similar for my wife" "How so?" says the business man "Well I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo" The business man looked truly confused "Well..ye see..if she doesn't like the slippers she can go F*** herself"

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note. Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men’s hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

One day a mom and her son went to the zoo.There they saw two monkeys having sex. The son asked "What are they doing?". The mom said "Ohh they are making frosting", then they saw hippos doing it then he said "Mom what are they doing?" "Making frosting" she said. Later that night he saw there mom doing it. In the morning he said "Mom you and dad were making frosting so i ate it!"

There once was a magical genie in a forest in montana, there was this fat guy walking from the forest after making his wish, later the next day he showed up at work with a 8 inch tall piano player. His friend asked him where did he get the little man from.he replied,’’there is this magical forest down past 5th street’’,but when you make your wish you have to speak very slowly.his friend asked,’’why do i have to talk so slowly?’’,the dude replies,’’do you really think i would really think i wanted a 8-inch pianist to please my wife??!!

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "Tell all of your sins, my daughter." "Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ’’Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.’’ "Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?" "No," the priest says, "But it’ll wipe that smile off your face!"

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the court.

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" said the boy "Yes, see them and they make you cry." the father replied This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree " "A Christmas tree?" said the daughter "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows." He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens." The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?" The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?" A lady close by says, "why do you keep calling your son fat head". And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along.

One day, my husband was at home, but i was working late. My father in law was at my house too. My husband always likes it when i made love to him in the dark, so after I got home I went upstairs and made love to him in the dark. Then I went downstairs and my husband was sittin on the couch. I said, "how'd you get down here before me?" He said "shhh!my dad is upstairs sleeping in our bed"

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ’dick.’ Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

A man came home from work oneday and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system. He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab thier jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go. He also told her he wanted to use the same system so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to strip naked and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go. When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped naked and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air. After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4. A confused husband asks what’s bell 4, the wife replies "you need more hose, more hose, you’re nowhere near the fire!

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don’t you just swim around like us?" Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I’m gonna be the first one there." The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it’s a BLOW JOB!"

A 14yr old boy ran into his house yelling "mom mom come quick, I have great news!" The mother asked "what is it, what's so exciting!" "I had sex for the first time today!" replied the boy The mother gasped, raised her hand and slapped the boy across the face. "get up to your room and stay ther until your father gets home!!" yelled the mother. An hour later the boys father arrived home, got the update from the mother and went upstairs to talk to the boy. "So I hear you had sex for the first time today" said the father "Your mother is upset, but I think this is something for a father and son to celebrate! What do you say we go and get you that motor-bike you’ve been asking for?" "wow, answered the boy, "But do you think we can wait until tomorrow, my ass is still killing me!!"

A woman was taking a shower, in the upstairs bathroom, she gets finished and puts on a towel over her. Her husband takes a shower right after her. When the husband walks in to take a shower the doorbell rings. So the woman goes to answer the door … It is there next door neighbor (Stan) she answers the door Stan says " ill give u $800 if u drop that towel" so she did and Stan gave her $800. Stan leaves and the woman walks back upstairs Her husband asks..."who was that hunny" and she says" oh it was just Stan" The husbands asks " did he mention anything about that $800 dollars he owes me?"

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.  While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.  He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.  He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.  Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck….He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.  Be strong and I love you, too."

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!", I said, "I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled …..so I told her to fuck off.

A wife and her husband were doing yard work , after a while the wife felt she had done enought for the day and went inside to have a shower. after she was in and soaping herself her husband threw a pebble at the sliding door she got out soping wet to see what he wanted her husband then pointed to his EYE , then his KNEE and made raking motions wit his arms. (I need the rake) his wife then pionted to her eye grabbed her left breast and smacked her ass and walked inside. The husband seeing his was confused and went into the house. after his wife dried off and put on a robe he asked her "what on earth was that u did?’ she then said " I left it behind the bush "

One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink. While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was still asking about a woman. Finally the bartender sent his friends upstairs on a mission and they returned shortly. Then the bartender told the cowboy that they only had one woman there but she was upstairs waiting on him. (the bartender’s friends had carried a blow-up doll upstairs and placed her in his bed) At this point the cowboy bid everyone good night and slowly climbed the stairs. Filled with anticipation he approached the room and went inside as the men downstairs listened with great interest. After a few moments, they heard the bed springs squeaking and moans of pleasure coming from the room The roared with laughter. Then everything was quiet. Not beinging able to sleep with anticipation of the coming morning, the men decided to play poker through the night and await the man coming down the next morning. As he came down the stairs, they noticed a strange look on his face. They asked: "Well, cowboy, how was the woman." He hestitated, then answered: "Man, that was the best piece of ass I ever had, but the strangest thing happened." After I screwed her i bit her on the titty and she farted and flew out the window and I haven’t seen her since.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married five times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"