Posts made by nhalizegt

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour." The wife lies down on the bed… just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?" The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Two 5 year old black kids (boy and girl) went out trick or treating in a rich Texas suburb. They knocked on this guys door and said trick or treat, The guy asked them what they were dressed as? The little girl said "Jack n Jill" The guy said "You cant be Jack n Jill your black" So the kids left and came back and the guy said "And what are you guys supposed to be this time?" The little girl said "Hansel n Gretal" The guy says "You cant be Hansel n Gretal your black" So the kids leave upset only to come back a few min later. This time they were naked. The guys says " and just what are you supposed to be now?" The little girl says "M&M’s, I’m plain and he got nuts"

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?" Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?" Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player’s shirt. Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter’s got to be able to shoot with both hands." Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player’s other cufflink. Billy said, "That’s mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you." Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?" Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick." Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?" Billy replied, "It won’t help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he’s going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

This truck driver goes into a whore house, slaps $500 on the counter and tells the madam that he wants the ugliest girl in the place and a ham sandwich, The madam of the house looks at the money and tells him, "for $500 you could have the most beautiful girl in here" The truck driver looks back at her and says, "Hey look sweetheart, I’m not horny, I’m home sick."

One day little johnny gets twenty dollars from his dad for doing some housework His dad says asks little johnny "What are you going to do with the money? Little Johnny replied "I'm going to use it for a prostitute" On the way into town he meets grandma who upon finding out what the twenty is for tells him to give her the twenty dollars and they can have sex He goes home and his dad say’s "That was quick!" And Little Johnny says "Oh’ I just gave the twenty bucks to grandma and we had sex." His dad says "What you fucked my mom? Little Johnny replied "Well hell you fuck my mom why can’t I fuck yours?"

Monroe and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Monroe would say, "Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Monroe, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Monroe and Martha went to the fair and Monroe said, "Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Monroe, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars." Monroe and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Monroe, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t." Monroe replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Two really plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a whore house. They really wanted to get some booty and asked the madam for two hookers. The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she arranged their requests. She thought to herself that these men were so waisted that it didn’t matter what type of women they used. She collected two inflateable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms. The two men were then immidiately escorted to their rooms for the night. The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other "last night was the worst time ever! I just layed there all night waiting for the girl to make her move and she never did!" The other man said to his friend"that’s nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"

One day a cop driving down the street saw two ladies with a sign that read, "2 girls for the price of one". he stops and tells them to get rid of the sign or he will run them in! They comply and he procedes down the street only to pass a man with a sign that says Jesus Saves, The cop just waves as he passes and the girls see this The next day they are waiting on the cop to drive by and as he does they start flagging him down And they say that they saw him let the guy with the sign down the street keep his sign, and they don’t think that he was fair with them, ' The cop says , You two dumbasses,that was a religous sign, and drive off The next day he drives by and low and behold the gals have a sign that reads, Two fallen angels looking for Peter…

A man goes for a prostate exam.The proctologist(ass doctor)is checking him out when he finds a roll of hundreds up the guy’s ass.He pulls out the money and counts it "You’re not going to believe this but I’ve just found $1900 dollars up your ass" "Hmmm"says the patient"Thats why I haven’t been feeling too grand"

There are two queers one of them dies His lover asks the the dead queers family to have him be made into a curry The family asks him "Why?…......would you......" "I want to feel him dribble down my ass one more time!"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

Two rednecks, Clarence and Cletus, who lived on opposite sides of the river had been feuding for years. finally, they built a bridge across it. The day it was completed, cletus stormed out of the house. His wife said "Where you goin’ ?" He said, "ahm gonna kick that son of a bitch clarence’s ass!" He gets halfway across the bridge and starts running back. His wife says, "why did you run back?" He replied, "well, I got halfway across and I saw a sign that on the bridge That said; clarence, 14’6", hes way to big for me to fuck with!"

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and say’s," See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time." "No way," the guy say’s. "oh yeah, and she only charges $20." So he walks over and hands her a 20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light. As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn’t believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible. When she finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have – meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man." "I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here..."

There was a little boy, his parents, and the little boy’s gramma living in a house together. One morning the gramma calls the little boy downstairs for breakfast. When he gets there he asks, "where are mommy and daddy?" and the gramma replies, "their still in bed." The little Boy laughs and goes out to play until he;s called by his gramma for lunch. "Where are mommy and daddy?" he asks at lunch. "Their still in bed." she replies. The little boy laughs again and goes out to play until his gramma calls him in for dinner. "Where are mommy and daddy?" the little boy asks. "Their still in bed." the gramma replies. The little boy giggles again and the gramma asks "Why do you keep laughing every time I say that your mommy and daddy are still in bed?" The little boy replies, "Because last night daddy asked me to bring him the vaseline while him and mommy were in bed and I brought him the Super Glue instead!"

A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the "houses "he’s heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal. He goes to the first house, the madame answers the door. "Good day". he says. "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?" The madame answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl". Being a union man, he decides that it isn’t fair, and decines the madam’s offer to enter the premesis. He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same to his question. Then at one house he asks, the madame tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blond with big tits and beautiful body sitting on the couch. He pulls out his wallet, hands the madame a hundred dollar bill and says" I would really like to be with that blond over there." I’m sure you would", replies the madame, " but 65 year old Edna sitting over there has seniority!"

op Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper" "Here's the beef!" "Get a piece of the rock" "You've come a long way, baby" "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em" "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman" "Tastes great, more filling" "Viagra, built ram tough" "Just do her" "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?" ?

A man pulls over at a crappy diner in the middle of no where. He goes inside and orders himself some chili. Well after eating that and hanging around he ended up needing to use the bathroom. So he looks around but doesn’t find it. Going to waitress he asks and she says "It's around back." So he goes back there and finds himself standing before an outhouse. He really needed to go No. 2 bad after eating the chili. So he goes in and sits down. After doing his buisness he looks around and finds no toilet paper. But there was a sign on the wall that reads: Anything placed through the hole will be cleaned vigourously So the man used his hand to wipe himself and stuck his hand through the hole. On the other side a kid smacks the mans hand with two bricks and the man yanks back his hand and sticks it in his mouth, Thus Cleaning it vigourously.

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."