Posts made by coryzinho

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/55/His-Son-Got-A-Part-In-The-School-Play#VjYwl1Ttkxsc0y2O.99

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, I headed home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I 'cuckooed' another NINE times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him, "Midnight."

He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said, "But we need a new clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/56/We-Need-A-New-Cuckoo-Clock#bS2bmyixwpboyXhH.99

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/57/A-Blonde-Woman-Was-Speeding#iuiXw1syT5EkrQzV.99

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out.

The mechanic said it'll be about an hour so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers.

He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "No, it's just ice cream."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/58/A-Penguin-Took-His-Car-To-The-Shop#iiSXxkb3puU2LKcx.99

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.

At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.

He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/59/A-Truck-Driver-s-Duty#OZbRpmzjjFqS6kYm.99

A priest is walking down the street and runs into a homeless looking drunk outside a bar.

The stumbling man claimed to be Jesus. The priest disagreed and tried to continue but the man insisted he was Jesus.

Finally, the priest says, "Alright, if you are really Jesus, how can you prove it?"

"Come with me," the man said.

The priest follows the man inside the bar and immediately the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, not you again."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/60/Drunk-Jesus#TG2eroCkj1gRh3z1.99

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/61/A-Married-Couple-Went-To-The-Hospital-To-Have-Their-Baby-Delivered-#tGGivqr8uZxbR7Mh.99

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"Okay, I give up. Where's the freaking ship??

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/62/The-Captain-s-Parrot-And-The-Magician#cDaHpiVySUThq8pr.99

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey…...On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So... here I am!

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/63/Jack-Wants-To-Go-Golfing#uIZTzqDd8hrPmuaA.99

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.

"You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning" says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.

"Well…" says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, "There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I'm afraid.." Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.

BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says "Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How's everything going?" "Pretty good" says Dave, "though my stomach feels a bit funny.." "Well you're obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try... push one out!" So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!

"That felt great!" thinks Dave, "I think I'll lay another one!" So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage: "For Christ's sake David!! You've crapped the bed again!!!"

ALL JOKES

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/64/Reincarnated-As-A-Chicken#lav3TZlDEA0SLS3m.99

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/65/Getting-A-Hair-Dryer-Through-Customs#C4XVoh2ZYdv73f61.99

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "MY ROLEX!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/66/A-Lawyer-Just-Bought-A-New-Sports-Car#bKR65mSZmiEedQX6.99

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/67/With-Age-Comes-Wisdom#OqVgKLCKK6VRzgg1.99

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill….."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/68/God-Asks-Adam-To-Do-Something#C81zyKJSCrxDFqzL.99

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.

So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/69/A-Farmer-And-His-Watermelons#HXyQhhG6PBw8jeZO.99

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/70/Selling-War-Insurance#bOoUR6M0sCDAFz6V.99

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/71/The-Magic-Elevator#45OfveO0QGlW5hGO.99

One of them spots a hole in the ground that looks unusually deep. He picks up a rock and throws it in the hole, and never hears it hit the bottom.

"Try something heavier", the other man suggests. They find a rusty old anvil nearby, pick it up and throw it down the hole. Five seconds later a goat comes speeding toward the hole and falls in.

"What the hell was that?", one of the men say.

Just then another man runs up and says, "Please, have you seen my goat anywhere?!"

"Yes", they reply. "We just saw him run this way and jump into this hole!"

The man says, "That's impossible. I had him tied to an anvil."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/72/Two-Guys-Are-Hunting-In-The-Woods#ZSDqI2eoeuIsBuRp.99

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.

"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.

Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/73/A-Rich-Woman-And-Her-Butler#aHPhd1gmfYpRf2pa.99

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity a secret, but  he forgot to bring his mask. He told everyone in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.

One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the bank robber did what he said he would… he shot him. The robber asked the crowd if anyone else had seen his face...

One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/74/A-Bank-Robber-Forgot-His-Mask#uoejjVsCLr9sB5Hh.99