Posts made by coryzinho

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt.

"Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I was with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me."

The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you."

The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband.

"Honey, I too have something to confess."

The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything."

"Before we met, I had an operation. I used to be a man."

The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf.

The wife is in shock. "But I forgave you for your secret!"

The husband, red faced, turns to her and says, "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheater!!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/96/A-Husband-And-Wife-Go-Golfing#ixo6J0UC4LAK4My1.99

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Rhonda, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. "Rhonda, what's for dinner?"

"For the FIFTH time Fred, CHICKEN!!"

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Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/97/The-Deaf-Wife-Problem#53t2sWcdqm3odfMI.99

A homeless man knocks on a woman's door.

"Think you could spare a few bucks? Maybe some food?"

The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says, "You could do some handy work around here. I'll give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."

He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress. She sees no man, and the porch hasn't been touched. Just then, she hears knocking again at her door.

She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.

"All done ma'am. And by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porsche."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/98/A-Homeless-Man-Knocks-On-A-Woman-s-Door#YDmqfHoLwZ8RV2zm.99

A lion and lioness are sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a nearby tree and starts insulting the mighty lion.

The lioness starts to get angry and says, "King of the jungle, how dare you allow this puny monkey to insult you? You must punish him."

"You are right, but you know what? I am king of the jungle and I must not lower myself to his level. Let's ignore it."

The lioness, astonished, sat in silence. Yet the monkey kept on. After sometime, the lioness looses her patience.

"I cannot allow this any longer. I'm going to teach that monkey a lesson."

So the lioness chases after the monkey. After a long chase she finds herself out of the jungle and at a construction site. She sees the monkey going through a narrow pipe and leaps in after him. The pipe apparently was not large enough, and the lioness gets stuck.

Seeing that the lioness is stuck, the monkey walks around behind her.

"Who's a bad girl? Who's a bad girl?!!" he yells as he spanks her butt over and over and over. The monkey continues for a few minutes and then finally leaves with a big smile on his face.

After an hour long struggle, the lioness finally frees herself from the pipe. Injured, and completely embarrassed, she returns home to the jungle and to her king.

"So how did the hunt go?" the lion curiously asked.

The lioness couldn't even look at him.

"Aaahhh, he took you to the construction site didn't he?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/99/A-Monkey-Starts-Insulting-A-Lion#ULeCkwLtC7XExMqR.99

There are two sisters. One is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4x4 and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4x4 and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly…..

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/100/Two-Sisters-Inherit-The-Family-Farm#X5XbFtuBtzf2wP9U.99

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/101/Two-Guys-Both-Lose-Their-Wives-In-A-Grocery-Store#xX44557bH8P0IexA.99

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/102/The-IRS-Audits-A-Gambling-Grandpa#FSACLceEytHmzyeE.99

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, balding, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked:

"What did you teach?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/103/Surely-I-Can-t-Look-That-Old#OGQuUIMzW3CmrFFG.99

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/104/The-Three-Bulls#keB0iOZYWzSItqt6.99

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/105/Hillbilly-Stripper#X74wfWtRrSqFqUdA.99

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/106/Wrong-Number#XrQAWUCwMhViE0Zc.99

So, Johnny and his girl Sally are going to prom this Saturday. But, before they can go, Johnny needs to make sure they have a perfect night.

So, Friday comes, and Johnny goes out to get his tuxedo. When he gets to the tux rental store, there's this ridiculously long line. But he needs the tux, so Johnny waits. And he waits, and waits until finally, he has his tux.

Next, he needs a limo. So he goes to the limousine rental shop and finds that there's an even longer line there. But he needs the limo, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he has the limo ordered.

Johnny realizes he needs some new kicks, so he stops by a shoe store to get himself some nice shoes. When he goes to pay, he sees the longest line yet. But he needs the shoes, so he waits. And he waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, and waits, until finally, he's got his new shoes.

Saturday, Johnny's ready to pick up his girl. He drives over to her house, picks her up, and they head to prom. At the dance, they're having a great time, dancing, playing at the casino, hanging out with friends. Soon, though, Sally gets thirsty, and asks Johnny for a drink. Being the good guy he is, Johnny obliges.

So Johnny walks over to the punch table, and what do you know… there's no punch line.

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/107/Johnny-And-Sally-Go-To-The-Prom#0ix6mOLpi35k4Ceo.99

A married couple takes their son to the circus. After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs.

"Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?" he asks.

The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey," and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn.

Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father, "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?"

Dad answers, "That's the elephant's penis."

The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?"

Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman…"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/108/A-Family-Goes-To-The-Circus#A14zdRGUYWubRzj6.99

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

"Poor old fool," thought the gentleman. So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?"

"You're the eighth."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/109/The-Old-Man-Outside-Of-A-Pub-Fishing#lfgyMe9HeUQjDyQ3.99

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be eight again…" she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, made her a nice big bowl of Froot Loops, and then took her to Adventure World. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you idiot."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/110/A-Birthday-To-Remember#xpPlPUCMbTCBiu7O.99

A married couple is traveling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to get a room. They only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them" the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows" the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.

As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't " exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens…They didn't get that age by being stupid!

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/111/A-Hotel-Manager-Tried-To-Overcharge-An-Elderly-Couple#33QJy9Z1yIk8lyZj.99

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/112/A-Pretty-Woman-Sneezes-At-A-Restaurant#R0arDPX5D7QMWQQl.99

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead."

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/113/A-Man-Buys-A-Horse-For-250#rZRAAbyPeJosvq3s.99

A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome man enters.

He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.

Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20. But only on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address.

She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/114/Man-Offers-To-Do-Anything-She-Wants-For-20#Ek1r31cRbq5JCbrI.99

An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go.

The Indian asks, "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time".

The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"

The Russian replies, "The Indian, of course".

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/115/An-American-An-Indian-And-A-Russian-Meet-The-Devil#LX6YWWKrDf681TDK.99