Posts made by coryzinho

A young man stood before St. Peter who tells him "Son, to let you into Heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on Earth"

The guy thinks for a moment and replies "Well, I saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over, pushed him to the ground, and told him to leave the poor girl alone!"

St. Peter is quite impressed with this and says, "Well done my son, and when exactly did this happen?"

"About 5 minutes ago"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/35/Getting-into-Heaven#Wel5BU5wiktLfEVT.99

A doctor and an engineer entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking around, the doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to engineer, "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

The engineer replied, "Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you real stealing."

So they both went up to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, "Hey, would you like to see some magic?"

The shop boy replied, "Yes!"

The engineer said, "Give me one chocolate bar." The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it… He asked for the second, and he ate that one as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, "Okay, what are you trying to pull here? Where's the magic?"

The engineer replied, "Check in my friend's pocket. You'll find all three bars."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/36/Chocolate-Store-Magic#3RByDC6fJQVWBVTG.99

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, "Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!"

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks...I better leave while I can."

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll go get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, "Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/37/The-Lost-Dog-And-The-Ferocious-Lion#YaqaoTKs55BJMdd6.99

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed," Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is no longer with us, " replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes. turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, the duck is no longer with us."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$830?" she cried,"$830 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged,"I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $30, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $830.

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/38/Duck-Testing-at-the-Vet#dB1qoGiJ3PQ1SqXB.99

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do," the dog replies. "Sooo, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/39/Talking-Dog-For-Sale#eMwzbEkf1jH2cWzH.99

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old. The first one said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady says, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one says, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood." As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, "That must be the door… I'll get it!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/40/Little-Old-Ladies#625YFglg2U6bXmOb.99

There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them each the 100 point exam. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written…

For 95 points: Which tire? ____

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/41/Flat-Tire-Final-Exam#DlFyJ88cZEwIUoVE.99

A 5 year-old girl goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her grandfather. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa!!" she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, talk like a frog!"

"Well okay dear, but why?" replied her Grandpa.

"Talk like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/42/Talk-Like-a-Frog#x1kfzuacvRrWr1c7.99

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those jerks at the post office!

Sincerely,

Edna

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/43/Postal-Workers-Good-Deed#67fGMJu55e8PxaSx.99

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work. He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and it chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ahhh, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again but this time it chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. A few hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ahhh, the miracles of modern medicine did it again!" says Bob.

A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close but this time it chops off his head. Bob rushes over, puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. Three hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room.

He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it."

Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?"

The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/44/The-Miracles-of-Modern-Medicine#DgGv9BtDsOPoOF5T.99

A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp. Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

"I am an all and powerful genie. You get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double."

So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish. "I want a beautiful mansion."

The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.

A few minutes later he asks for his second wish. "I want 100 millions dollars."

The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.

On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants. Finally… he asks for his third wish.

"I want you to scare me half to death."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/45/A-Genie-Lamp-with-a-Twist#O9oz6ZvxXvzevWQb.99

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: DO NOT step on a duck."

"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.

"Over the years, many misconceptions of heaven have arose. Yes, it's a pretty nice place. No, its not perfect, but its close. You see the only problem are the ducks. If you step on a duck it will begin to quack and then all the other ducks will begin to quack and its simply a nuisance for us all. So if you step on a duck, you must suffer the consequences." Saint Peter replied.

The three men looked at each other, laughed it off, and continued into heaven. As far as the eye could see there were ducks everywhere. Almost immediately one of the men accidentally stepped on a duck. Just as Peter had said, the duck began to quack and then the ducks around him began an audible tidal wave of quacks.

Soon after the quacks had passed, Saint Peter approached the men in hand with a hag of a woman. Without a word, he shackled the hag to the man that stepped on the duck and left.

The other two men were careful not to step on a duck. Although they tried there best, one of them eventually stepped on a duck. The same phenomenon of before arose and Saint Peter arrived again with a huge amazonian woman with warts all over her face. He shackled the woman to the man and left.

The final man treaded with care and spent many days and nights successfully stepping around the ducks. After a while, Saint Peter approached the man with a beautiful woman. He shackled the woman to the man and left without a word.

The man was so delighted he audibly said to himself, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?"

The woman replied, "I don't know, but I stepped on a duck…"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/46/Whatever-You-Do-Don-t-Step-On-A-Duck#XRF60ijbWc0jBq1e.99

A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burned. The doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied. "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/47/Her-Husbands-New-Face#iHzlsCqr1ghU5LDc.99

Aliens came to Earth from Mars and they turned out to be quite friendly. All the countries in the world agreed that they would send the Pope to talk with the alien leaders.

The Pope walked up to the spaceship, greeted by a few aliens, and started conversing.

"I know this question may sound odd," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"

"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not?! He swings by our planet every two years or so. What an awesome guy!"

"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO? We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"

Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well, maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

The Pope chuckled, while slightly confused. "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have to do with this?"

The aliens responded, "Well when he visits our planet, we give him huge boxes of our finest chocolates… what'd you guys do?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/48/Does-Jesus-Visit-Mars-#EcmXbaQu6XF4Jvk7.99

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place… the grass is almost a foot high!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/49/A-Lawyer-Spots-Two-Men-Eating-Grass-On-The-Side-Of-The-Road#yRwDt3mxIU23IeWq.99

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/50/A-Man-A-Sheep-And-A-Dog-Are-Stranded-On-An-Island#kUG1CCR7YUzgvsHD.99

Today while making dinner with the entire family, my dad asked my younger sister to get the meat out the freezer above the fridge. My sister opens the fridge and is on her toes to reach the meat. You can hear the determination in her exhales as she tries stretching her body to it's maximum.

The entire family is watching intensely when my dad blurts out; "The steaks have never been higher.."

Everyone immediately walks out of the kitchen, including my sister.

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/51/My-Dad-Asked-My-Younger-Sister-To-Get-The-Meat-Out-The-Freezer#JhYJOhEJEuRs6QdB.99

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/52/Deaf-Mafia-Bookkeeper#1MWFmbZTCh7zgPcp.99

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

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Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/53/Who-Says-Men-Don-t-Remember#bJplpHM89i3tTPK8.99

A father is waiting for his kid to be born in the hospital. He's super nervous, pacing back and forth, cigars in his breast pocket ready to go. After what seems like a several days, a doctor finally walks into the waiting room and asks who's waiting for the baby. The father runs up to the doctor.

"Congratulations, you have a baby boy," the doctor said.

"I'm so happy!! I've always wanted a boy! I'm a huge soccer fan and I can't wait to play soccer with my son, go to all his games and watch become a great player!"

"I don't know how to tell you this sir, but your son was born without any legs."

The father fights back some tears, but bounces back pretty quickly. "You know what, that's ok, my wife is a brilliant piano player, and she's always wanted to pass down her love of music to our child. She'll teach him to play beautiful music, we'll go to all his concerts, we'll be so proud of him."

"I'm sorry sir, but your son was kind of born without any arms."

Now the father has a much harder time holding back the tears. He takes a minute to collect himself. "You know, I'm a god fearing man, and I'm sure god had a plan for my son, and I guess that plan has to involve him having a brilliant mind, and he'll solve world problems, and go down in history as one of the great thinkers!"

"Sir I don't know quite how to say this… but your son was kind of born without a head."

The father starts to cry and getting really upset. "Just take me to see my son, I want to see him."

The doctor takes the father down a long hallway, and in this operating room is this gigantic perfect ear.

The father starts sobbing, and through his cries he's speaking to his son, "Son I'm so sorry this had to happen to you, but I don't want you to worry, we're going to have a great life together, we'll do all the things fathers and sons do."

Then the doctor leans over to the father and says, "You have to speak up, he can't hear well."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/54/A-Father-Is-Nervously-Waiting-For-His-Child-To-Be-Born#sP3hK0FFUUMgf3gU.99