Posts made by coryzinho

It all depends on the couple. If it's a mutual situation and it has been discussed and agreed than the couple could make it work against themselves.
But in my life, relashionships are made of two faithful people.

So this young woman is in line at the grocery store with her hand basket full of groceries. She unloads a small carton of milk, six eggs, single servings of soup, and small pieces of meat. The cashier looks up at her, smiles and says: "You must be single." She smiles with a gleam of hope in her eyes and says: "Yes, how did you know?". To which he replies: "Cause you are fucking ugly!".

Four nuns were in a car crash and died. They went to the Pearly Gates and stood before St. Peter.
He said: "Before I let you into heaven, I have to make sure you're pure. Have any of you had anything to do with a man's private parts?"
The first said: "I saw a penis once." Peter replied: "Wash your eyes with the holy water from the font and then you can enter heaven."
The second said: "I touched a man's penis once." Peter replied: "Wash your hands in the font and then you can enter heaven."
Just then the fourth cuts in front of the third. Peter asked "what are you doing?" She replied: "If I have to gargle with that water, I'm going to do it before Sister Ruth sits in it."

In the early 80's Russian scientists discovered a way to transfer some of the pain of the child birth from the mother to the father. They find a couple and volunteer them for the experiment. As the woman is a about to go into labor(in Russia man were not allowed to be in the hospital where women gave birth) the scientists call the guy.
"Comrade, are you ready?"
"Whatever, comrade … click(hangs up)"
Puzzled scientists turn the machine to 10% call the guy again.
"Comrade, how are you feeling?"
"Fine, comrade ... click"
Even more puzzled crank it to 50%, the women looks much better. Call the guy.
"Comrade, how are you feeling now?"
"(Annoyed) Fine, stop calling me every 5 minutes ... click"
Finally, giving up the scientist crank it all the way up and call the guy.
"Comrade, tell us the truth how are you doing?"
"Shitty comrade, I am trying to watch a soccer game, my team is losing, you assholes keep calling me every 5 minutes and my damn neighbor is screaming as if he is giving birth."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some asshole has stolen our tent."

A blond woman is driving her car down the highway, perhaps a bit too fast, when a police car pulls up behind her. The lights start swirling, so the woman pulls over and waits for the police officer to approach. Turns out, the cop is a blond woman as well.
She asks the driver for her license.
The woman in the car leans over to the passenger seat and starts rummaging through her purse. Soon, she turns back to the cop, empty-handed, and asks sheepishly…
"Uhm, I.. uh.. Well.. Which one is my driver's license?"
With a sigh of frustration, and belittling tone of voice, the cop replies, "It's a little rectangle thing, with your picture on it."
"Right, right! I have one of those!" the woman replies, and after a quick return to her purse, hands the cop her compact.
The cop looks down at it, quickly hands it back to her, and says apologetically, "It's alright, ma'am. You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

I was eating at a nice restaurant, and I noticed all the waiters had spoons in their breast pockets. I asked my waiter about it, and he replied, "Sir, you're very perceptive. The manager is concerned with efficiency, and he found that the spoon is the utensil customers most often drop. To save time running to the kitchen for extra spoons, we all carry a spare spoon." Surprised but satisfied, I continued with my meal. Low and behold, I dropped my spoon just a few minutes later! My waiter graciously gave me a spare spoon, when I noticed he had a piece of string hanging out of his fly. Not wanting to draw attention to a possible wardrobe malfunction, I continued eating. As another waiter walked by, I again noticed a piece of string hanging out of his fly (no, I'm not a pervert, I just notice things out of place). I motioned over my waiter and asked him about it. He said, "Wow sir, you really are perceptive. The manager decided we took too much time washing our hands in the bathroom, so we tie a string around our…members...and use that to help 'bring the airplane out of the hangar' before we urinate." I said, "Wow, you're manager really IS concerned with efficiency. But...how do you get it back in your pants???"
My waiter leaned over and whispered, "Between you and me, sir.....I use the spoon."

Three women were sitting around the kitchen table discussing how they took revenge on their adulterous husbands.
The first woman said, “When I found out my husband was having an affair, I took all his clothes and threw them on the front lawn.”
The second woman replied, “That’s good, but I took the subtle approach. I took a pin and poked holes in all his condoms.”
The third woman fainted.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

An chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are discussing the human body and the nature of God.
"Look at the body," says the chem-e, "and it's plain that God is a chemical engineer. The elegance of the circulatory system in carrying oxygen, the efficacy of the liver in filtering toxins, the brute power of the stomach in dissolving food and converting it to fuel. It's obvious!"
"Wrong," counters the EE, "God is an electrical engineer. Look at the brain…the world's most sophisticated computer. Look at the nerves, carrying electrical signal with such efficiency. See how the muscles repond with grace and precision. It's obvious!"
The civil engineer considers for a moment, and says "You're both wrong. God is a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would run a waste disposal line through a great recreational area."

Three mice are having drinks in a bar, when they begin to quarrel over who is the strongest.
The first mouse slams his Cuervo, licks his lips, and says "I'm so strong, when I get up in the morning I mix rat poison into my coffee. Tastes good."
The second mouse swallows his bourbon, licks his lips, and says "I'm so strong, I eat the cheese off the mousetrap and do bench presses with the bar."
The third mouse finishes his tea, pinkie daintily pointed skywards, and says, "Well; you guys are too tough for me. Time for me to go home and fuck the cat."

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in with two ice chests full of fish leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'No, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'Fish can't do that!'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth and I'll show ya. It really works.'
'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'

A fundamentalist pastor with strict membership requirements for his congregation narrowed the list of candidates down to 3 couples. An elderly married couple, a middle aged married couple, and a newlywed couple. "To join my church, you must not have sex for a week," he told them all.
One week later he interviewed the couples. When he asked the elderly couple if they had succeeded in passing the test, the husband said, "Yes indeed we did. Easiest thing we have ever had to do." With that answer they became members in good standing.
The pastor then asked the middle aged couple how they had fared. The husband replied, "It was the hardest week of our married lives, but we did not have sex." They too became members in good standing.
Finally the pastor queried the newlyweds. Nervously the husband said, "Well, we were doing great for the first 6 days, but on the last day I saw my wife bending over to pick up a head of lettuce she dropped and I couldn't stand it anymore and I took her roughly, right then and there."
The pastor's eyes blazed, and damningly he told them "YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IN MY CHURCH."
"Thats okay," the newlywed husband replied, "We aren't welcome in that grocery store anymore either."

A man visits his doctor with an embarrassing condition. His penis is bright orange. After running some inconclusive tests, the doctor is puzzled. "I have to admit, I've never seen anything like this before. Do you work with any exotic chemicals?"
"Actually," the patient replies, "I've been retired for a few years now."
"So, what do you do with your time?"
"Well, lately I've just been watching porn and eating Cheetos."

Two guys are in the pub having a chat. Dave is enthusiastically relating his latest sexual experience.
"Yeah - so as I was walking home the other night, I crossed the train tracks and to my surprise there was a lady tied to the tracks, you know, just like in the old movies. I rushed over to and untied her moments before the next train came through. Soon enough I found myself in the bushes next to the track making sweet, sweet love to her for hours, in all positions. She banged like a dunny door in a cyclone".
"Wow!" exclaimed Steve. "How lucky was that? Did you get a good blow job?"
Dave looked up from his beer and sheepishly replied "Nah, mate. I couldn't find her head".

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He goes over and asks him what's wrong.
"Well," says Paul, "There's this beautiful girl at work that I really like, but every time I start talking to her, I get an erection, and I have to leave so she doesn't see it."
"Well that's easy to solve," replies Jeff.
"Really?" says Paul, perking up.
"Sure. Just take some duct tape and tape your penis to your leg. It's a bit crude and it'll hurt like mad, but you'll at least be able to talk to her. And I'm sure that once you get to know her, you won't have to worry about it anymore."
"Hey, that just might work! Thanks, you're a real pal!", and they finish the evening, Paul in a much cheerier mood.
A few nights later, Jeff comes into the bar and again sees Paul hunched over a beer. He walks over and takes a seat beside him.
"Well, did you ask her out?"
"Yup." says Paul morosely, barely looking up from his drink.
"And she said yes?"
"Yup."
"So what happened on the date?"
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "when I'd finally worked up the courage to ask her out, the duct tape worked perfectly. So I figured I should use it again on the date, just in case."
"That's sensible," says Jeff.
"So anyway, I come to her door and I ring the doorbell feeling nervous as all hell. And she answers it in the most incredible dress you ever saw. It was the sexiest thing I've ever seen, the way it wrapped around her body…" says Paul, trailing off into a daydream.
"And what happened then?", prompts Jeff.
Paul sighs and slumps back down to his drink.
"I kicked her in the face."

A guy speeds into the hospital parking lot, sprints past the receptionists and meets the doctor coming out of the operating room, bloody, taking his gloves off.
"Doctor! Doctor! What happened? How is my wife?"
"I'm so sorry, sir. It was a terrible accident. She's been badly burned, and there was severe brain damage. She may live a long time, but you'll have to feed her, as she can't use her hands. You'll need to help her go to the toilet, and wipe up after her, and bathe her by hand every day. She can still talk, but that's about it. And there was extensive skin damage, and she's going to be severly disfigured.
"Also, and I realize this is a bad time to bring it up, but your insurance isn't going to pay for this. You're going to have to pay for this visit, and you'll be paying for medication for her as long as she's alive, which could be a long time, and she'd going to need a lot of medication. She'll need constant care. I'm terribly sorry."
The guy is horrified. He's shocked again and again through all this. In the end, he can only respond with stunned silence.
Finally, the doctor says, "Aw, man. I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”
The amazed father asks, “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir…Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer and… one of Ken’s Friends.”

An engineer who has led a good life dies and goes to hell, accidentally. Eventually, God learns of the mistake, and calls down to the devil.
"Excuse me, but an engineer died last week. He led a good life. He was supposed to come up here, but there was a mix-up and you got him."
"Yeah, I know the guy. He fixed our air conditioning, installed track lighting and even made the VCR stop blinking 12:00. There's no way I'm giving this guy up."
"But he's a good soul. That isn't the way this works. He belongs up here with me. If you don't surrender him, I'll have no choice but to sue for custody."
The devil laughs, "Yeah? And where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?"