Posts made by coryzinho

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.

"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."

"What does your current husband do?"

"Oh he's a funeral director."

The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.

"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each otherseveral times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

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A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Oh my God, a talking duck! What are you doing here?"

The duck replies, "I'm dry-walling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."

The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They're really interested in meeting with you!"

"Is that so?"

"There's a travelling circus in town," the bartender explained.  "The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you'd be a star attraction for them!"

The duck looked puzzled and says, "Why the hell would a circus need a dry-waller?"

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A man drives into a gas station. The attendant goes to fill his tank and notices 5 penguins in the back seat. The attendant says, "Hey - why do you have 5 penguins in your car?"

The driver says, "I KNOW! I was just stopped at a light back there and they climbed into my car and now I don't know what to do!"

The attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."

The driver says, "That's a good idea - I'll do that!"

A week later the driver pulls into the gas station and the attendant sees the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses. The attendant asks, "What are you doing?! I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"

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St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."

"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.

"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse."

Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously knows all, the men begin confessing their infidelity.

"I admit I screwed around behind my wife's back, but I broke it off with the girl before my wife found out." One man admits. "Very well," St. Peter responds and gives him a standard bicycle. The guy shrugs and feels a little better confessing.

The second man says with a grin, "I've never actually cheated on my wife." St. Peter raises a skeptical brow. "Okay… There was one time, but it was technically before we were married! I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing but I've never been unfaithful after that!" With a heavy sigh St. Peter grants the second man a car--but in terrible condition.

The third man says proudly, "I've never been unfaithful. Never." The other two stare at the third in disbelief. "No, he's right." St. Peter confirms. "He's been faithful the whole time. In fact he lost his virginity to his wife." The other two men gape in jealous amazement as the third man is granted a brand new sports car.

The third man obviously can make it down the long, glittering highway toward the Kingdom of Heaven faster than the other two. However, the first man on the bicycle finds the third man pulled over not too far down the road. Perplexed, he rides to the sports car and finds the man sobbing into his steering wheel.

"What's wrong, wise-guy, is this Italian muscle too much for you?" he gloats.

"No..." the third man tries to gain composure. "It's not that... The car is beautiful!"

"Then what's your problem?" "I just passed my wife and she was on rollerskates."

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A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/80/A-Blonde-Woman-Asks-For-A-5000-Loan#y9p7iVkLA8b4CsfE.99

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"Wheeewee… that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!

"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/81/Young-Investment-Banker-Buys-The-Car-Of-His-Dreams#XKkFRMc8Lg1gOcFg.99

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth…in and out...in and out.

It was going on for 10 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/83/Man-In-Ecstasy#yg1BFGkJbUx4RbUo.99

On his death bed, an old Jewish man says to his wife…

"Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?"

"Sure I was Moshe," his wife replied.

"When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no?"

"I was, Moshe."

"And now you're at my death bed, aren't you?"

"I am, darling."

"I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah."

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So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

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A married man, Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a night out drinking with the boys. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son… what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, " So, why is your mother in such a good mood, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married! I'm married!'"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/86/Jack-Wakes-Up-With-A-Huge-Hangover-And-A-Happy-Wife#ec8AQz5Y04ITItpR.99

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple. "You can get married in Heaven!"

"Great! But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!", St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/87/Getting-Married-In-Heaven#HaLprgjOS9T0iPfa.99

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure.."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"

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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got a 20 year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.

He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!

He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at…" replied the doctor.

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One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."

The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the truck."

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A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"

The wife runs to the fri-

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."

The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/91/A-Woman-Is-Cooking-Eggs-In-The-Kitchen-When-Her-Husband-Comes-Running-In#Dg464QQUcQoSKFBK.99

A blind man sits down at the bar and figures he'll break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"

In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, our bouncer is blonde, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250 lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blonde. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/92/A-Blind-Man-Sits-At-A-Bar-Wants-To-Tell-A-Blonde-Joke#gQRxlLCJBwywK0Er.99

After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

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They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else on the island.

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this.

One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes "romantically dating".

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed.

"Whats wrong?" Scarlett asked. "Nothing..." he would always reply.

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him.

"Really? You'll do anything I'd like?"

"Yes," she said. "Anything!"

"Okay, first i want you to take off your toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore."

"Okay..."

"Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat."

"Wha... Okay, I said I'd do anything," she said lovingly.

"Okay, now take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it."

She was confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy. So she tucked her hair under the hat.

"Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache."

"Okay, if this is what you want," she muttered.

"Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach. I'll catch up to you in a bit!" he said a bit excited.

She started walking, wondering, doubting herself, just confused about what had just happened. Maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h- and suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says:

"DUDE!!! You won't believe who I've been sleeping with for the past 6 months!"

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.

The man starts screaming, "HELP!! HELP!!!"

Suddenly a lion pounces on him from behind and whispers in his ear, "If you don't shut up you're going to get us both fired."

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