Posts made by coryzinho

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Read this one in Maxim:
A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”
Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

A dad was telling his son about his worst day in the army. "It was the day we had to parachute from a plane," he starts. "When it got to be my turn, I looked down at the ground and said to myself there's no way I'm going to jump. Well, my Sargeant was the meanest SOB I've ever met, and he said 'Boy if you don't jump I'm gonna drop your pants and violate you right here and now.'"
The boy asks "Well did you jump?"

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Kalam. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”
Manmohan immediately responds, “It’s me, Sir!”
“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says Kalam.
He hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”
Bush nods: “Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Condoleezza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, “Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”
Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.
Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally,in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. “Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s our Colin Powell!”
And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!”

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No…not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman & Paddy Irishman are all sitting in a bar talking about their love-lives.
Paddy Englishman says "I made love to my wife 3 times last night and in the morning she said I was a stallion"
Paddy Scotsman says "Well I made love to my wife 6 times last night and in the morning she said I was a sex god"
Paddy Englishman turns to Paddy Irishman and says "You're very quiet Paddy, so how many times did you have sex with your wife last night?"
Paddy Irishman replies "Oh just the once"
The other Paddys start laughing & Paddy Scotsman says "Aye and what did she say to you in the morning then?"
Paddy Irishman replies "Don't stop"

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," says the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly",' the Chinese man says, "but on one condition." "If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'". "OK," the man replies, and enters the house. Over dinner, the daughter comes down the stairs. She is young and beautiful, with a fantastic body. She is obviously attracted to the young man and can't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignores her and goes up to bed alone. During the night he can bear it no longer and sneaks into her room for a night of passion. He is careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he creeps back to his room, exhausted but happy. He wakes to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he sees a large rock on his chest with a note on it that reads: "Chinese Torture 1….Large rock on chest.". "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thinks. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picks the boulder up, walks over to the window and throws the boulder out. As he does,he notices another note on it that reads: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glances down and sees the rope, getting very close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones is better than castration, he jumps out of the window after the boulder. Plummeting towards the ground, he sees a large sign on the ground that reads, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a tiny man, about a foot tall, playing a tiny piano on the end of the bar. Astonished, the guy says, "Wow, where did you get this little piano player from?"
The bartender shrugs and puts an old, dusty bottle onto the bar. "Genie in the bottle. Rub the bottle three times, he'll come out, and you can make a wish."
The guy rubs the bottle, out comes the genie, and asks him what his wish is. The guy already knows his wish: "I want the sexiest girl ever to appear right here, right now, and take me into the back room and make sweet love to me for the rest of the night."
The genie snaps his fingers, and poof! out of thin air appears a gorilla, who wastes no time in grabbing the guy and dragging him into the back.
"Wait!" shouts the guy. "I said girl, not gorilla!"
"Yep," said the bartender. "And if you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist, you're crazy."

On a highway, a pornstar and her manager are arguing in their car. The pornstar, in frustration with her manager, throws a huge dildo out the car window.
Driving behind the arguing couple is a man and his little daughter. The dildo hits the front windshield and flies off. The girl says, "What was that!"
The dad, not wanting to expose his daughter to such things at her young age, says, "Uhh. It was a bug."
The girl says, "Oh . . . Well it sure had a big dick!"

A Jamaican, an Englishman and a Scotsman are all waiting outside the maternity ward. All of their wives are in labour. The doctor comes out and says 'Lads, there's been a bit of a mix-up. We don't know whose child is whose. We need you to come help identify them.'
The Englishman bounds up and races to the ward, and points to the darkest-skinned, curliest-haired child he can see and cries 'That's him! That's him!' The Doctor is somewhat bemused and says 'Sir, I would have thought that was the Jamaican gentleman's child.'
The Englishman says 'Probably. But one of the others is Scottish, and I just can't take the risk…'

"My name is McGregor. See that stone wall over there…built it with me own hands. The wall goes for t'ree miles. Dug up each stone from a field and lay it on the wall. No one calls me McGregor the Wall-builder."
"See that bridge, spans the mile-deep gorge. Cut the timbers meself. Build it from the bottom of the chasm up. No one calls me McGregor the bridge builder."
"See that village? T'ree hundred homes in that village I buily meself. No one calls me McGregor the home builder."
"aye...but ye fuck one sheep!..."

So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn. He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast a possible. The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, its really not healthy to eat all that candy." The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old." The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

Told to me by a Lebanese cab driver in Toronto:
Three men, one German, one American, one Saudi meet up in Saudia Arabia. The German and the American managed to smuggle some liquor in with them, and they convince the Saudi to drink as well.
Since drinking is illegal in this country, all three men get caught, sent to jail for seven days, and finally are sentenced to twenty lashes.
The man giving the lashes decides to grant each of the prisoners one request before their punishment.
The German requests that a pillow be strapped to his back. So they strap one to his back, and start flogging him. By the fourth or fifth strike, the pillow's been reduced to shreds, and the German starts screaming.
The American watches this with horror, and requests two pillows to be strapped to his back. Happy to comply, the man straps two to his back and begins flogging. The American starts screaming by the ninth or tenth stroke.
Turning to the Saudi, he says "Because you are a fellow Muslim, I will give you two requests". "For my first request, I want to be flogged a hundred times." "Oh, a brave Saudi man. I am most proud of you. What is your second request?" "I would like the American strapped to my back".

A biker walks into a yuppie bar spoiling for a fight. He looks around, notices the suits and ties, and shouts "ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!" at the top of his lungs.
Sure enough a big, beefy 300 pound guy walks up and taps him on the shoulder. "Hey buddy, I think you better take that back."
"Why, you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole."

Shortly after Alaska became a state, this Texan, still wanting to be from the largest state, decided to move there. After his arrival in Alaska he enters a bar, saunters up to a couple of locals and loudly asks, "How do I become an Alaskan?"
The two Alaskans look at the Texan, all decked out in fancy boots and sporting a ten gallon hat, exchange a look with eachother and then one of them says to the Texan, "If you want to become an Alaskan there's just three things you gotta do: slam a quart of Yukon Jack, make love to an Eskimo girl and kill a polar bear with your bare hands."
So the Texan orders the whiskey, slams it and staggers out of the bar. Several hours later, the Texan makes his way back. Covered in scratches and bloody gashes, his clothing torn to rags, he stumbles up to the same two Alaskans… "Allright! Now where's this Eskimo bitch I have to kill ?"

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist all go to the ocean to study it for the first time. The physicist sees the waves and the current and the structures the wind has carved out in the dunes and exclaimed, 'look at all of the physics at work, i simply must study it!' and promptly runs into the ocean and drowns. The biologist notices the complex ecosystem living off of each other in the ocean and yells excitedly, 'imagine all of the undiscovered species in this water!' and runs into the ocean to immediately drown. The chemist pulls out his notepad and pen and slowly writes 'physicists and biologists dissolve in water.'

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician (a topologist, to be specific) all volunteer for a psychology experiment. The experimenter puts them each in a room with no way out, and a can of food.
A few hours later he comes back. He peeks in the engineer's room. One wall is entirely covered with dents where the engineer threw the can against the wall, and the engineer is sitting in the corner, happily eating his food.
Next, he peaks into the physicist's room. One wall is entirely covered with equations scratched out, and there is one dent where the physicist threw the can at exactly the right angle to bust it open. Like the engineer, he is sitting in the corner, happily eating his food.
Finally, he comes to the mathematician's room. Like the physicist's room, one wall is entirely covered with equations, but strangely, there is no mathematician to be found. He steps into the room to investigate, and he hears a sound. It seems to be coming from the can sitting in the middle of the floor! He grabs a can opener and opens the can, and the mathematician pops out.
"How did you get in there?" the experimenter asks, shocked. The mathematician mumbles something under his breath, but the only words the experimenter catches are "sign error."

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:
"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"
The mathematician responds:
"People's lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office."
The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure:
"You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?"
The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:
"I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a problem I've already solved."