Posts made by coryzinho

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.

As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.

Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:

"I'll be good, I promise…Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"

James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er … Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The prof said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No", I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little boy.

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/1/ID-ten-T-error#WkqEabUIFQ5mqbVx.99

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he pass ed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me…'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/2/Dividing-Souls#SfB27Lr8EDeG8qt5.99

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number "5". It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race.

Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named "The 5th Element." Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day.

I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee

I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head

I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off

I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet

I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it

I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row

I entered through the 5th admissions gate

I bought 5 programs

I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race

I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Jeff. "Did your horse win??"

I frowned at Jeff and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/3/Magic-Number-5#xmoKUC5YjwIZMf0P.99

Norman is 89 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement over 20 years ago. One day he arrives home upset. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where the dang thing goes."

His wife sympathises and makes him a hot cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one last try."

"That's a terrible idea" says Norman, "your brother's 102 years old. How could he help?"

"He may be 102 years old", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

Norman figured he'd give it a try So the next day he heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Norman.

"Where did what go? Do I know you?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/4/I-have-perfect-eyesight#lK0kYrhRyI0Ci26K.99

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for my new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk on his face.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man behind her, and smiled, "Grandpa's gonna pay the bill."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/6/Only-one-kiss-per-yard#Lz0u34ueMbcKpqVG.99

Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineering graduate said, "In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a brand new BMW?"

The engineering graduate sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/7/Starting-Salary#aWttik0JMy2cMPew.99

A man walks in a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The man answers, "A scotch on the rocks, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars."

"What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this," the man replies.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he has a point there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender, now pissed off, says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for this one. But don't ever come back here again!"

A few days later, the same man walks into the bar.

The bartender says, "What do you think you're doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The man says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. I feel like you were here a few days ago. You must have a double."

To which the man replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/8/How-to-get-free-drinks-at-the-bar#csjI53M0DDMulOzj.99

A pirate walked into a bar and sat down for a drink.

The bartender asked, "Gee you look awful, are you feeling okay?"

"I feel fine, why do you ask?," said the pirate.

"Well your leg is half missing, you have a wooden peg leg!"

"Arrr that happened a few years back, cannonball came right through the ship and took out me leg."

The bartender looked down at the pirate's hand, "But your hand, it's a hook! How did that happen?"

"Arrr well I was in a sword fight and he got me left hand, but I feel okay now."

"Okay, but how about your eye? You have an eye patch on it!"

"Arrr well just a few days ago I was looking up and a seagull pooped right in me eye."

The bartender, slightly confused asked, "How did that put out your eye?"

The pirate raised his arm, "It was the first day with the hook..

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/10/A-Pirate-walked-into-a-bar#ZjDKPgUHsX7hPCz6.99

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says…"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/11/Frog-wants-a-loan-from-the-bank#PYgzyyHYZTDMf8Ip.99

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub.

Mike looks at his friend John and says “Let’s go in there for a quick drink.”

John replies with, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

“Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

Mike walks up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman tell hims, “I'm sorry but I can’t let you in here with your dog.”

Mike replies, “But I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The doorman says, “Okay well in that case, come on in.”

John sees this and decideds to do the same thing. He walks up to the front door, but the doorman says, “Sorry sir, you can’t come in here with a dog.”

John replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”

The doorman responds, “I don't think so buddy. You mean to tell me you have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”

John stops for a second looking confused, and says, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/12/Getting-into-the-pub-with-your-dog#vUCxk360eD8kC1Qm.99

Two farmers, John and Henry, were sitting around talking about their day when John notices a pig with a wooden leg hobbling across the front yard. He turned to his friend and asks, "Henry, why does that pig have a wooden leg?"

"Well, John, that pig…," his eyes mist up, "That pig's mighty special! A few weeks back a wild boar attacked me while I was in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and fought him off. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No, just got a few scratches, nothing too serious. But that night the barn caught fire. That ol' pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and before we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved them all!"

"Ahh so that's when he hurt his leg?"

"No, John, the next day my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond. I got knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out...but that's not how he hurt his leg." "Oh no, no, he was fine. Cleaned him up real nice, too."

"Okay, Henry. So just tell me. How did he lose his leg?"

"Well", Henry begins to explain, "A pig that amazing...you don't want to eat all at once."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/13/The-Amazing-Pig-with-a-Peg-Leg#Iblmw7ZZPsRulEF5.99

Our anniversary was coming up, so my wife was hinting about what she wanted.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds."
So I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

The following day I took my wife to a restaurant to make up for yesterday. The waiter happened to ask my order first...so I ordered. "I'll take the NY strip steak, rare."
The waiter replied, "But sir, aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

The next day my wife was looking at herself in the bedroom mirror. It was obvious that she was not happy with what she saw.
"I feel terrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need a compliment from you."
I replied, "Your eyesight's still perfect!"

And that's when the fight started...

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/14/The-3-Day-Fight#ee89pfW4r0giM1xg.99