A pharmacist goes out for lunch and when he comes back he finds a man sitting on the floor twitching. He asks his assistant, "What exactly is going on?"
His assistant replies, "This man came in looking for cough syrup."
The pharmacist replies, "Well, what'd you give him?"
The assistant replies, "Laxatives." The pharmacist asks why so and the assistant replies, "He doesn't want to cough anymore…"
A boy is looking up at the sky and sees something, but he doesn't know what it is. He asks his mother but she can't tell so she points him to his brother. But again his brother has no idea, so he points him to his father. Finally the boy asks his father, but his father has no idea either. So his father points him back to his mother.
At this point the boy knows what it is, because it takes 3 points to define a plane.
Tom walks into his boss' office and tells him, "Sir, I know things are going the best around here but I have three companies that have contacted me recently. I would like a raise."
His boss agrees and after debating the amount for a while they agree on a 5 percent raise. When Tom gets up to leave his boss asks him, "What companies contacted you?"
Tom smiles and says, "The cable, electric, and water company."
A man stands buy his grandpa who is dying at 130 years old. His grandpa tells him, "The secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder in your cereal every morning." Then he dies.
The boy listens to him and does it every morning. At the age of 143 he leaves behind 3 wives, 14 children, 40 grandchildren, 78 great grandchildren, 167 great great grandchildren, and a mile wide hole where the crematorium used to be.
A blonde girl is at a ventriloquist act. The ventriloquist starts to tell a bunch of blonde jokes and everybody in the room is laughing hysterically.
The blonde girl stands up and yells "Hey jerk! Not all blondes are dumb. You need to stop with the cheap jokes!"
The ventriloquist says "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
The blonde interrupts him "Stay out of it! I was talking to the little man on your leg."
John, Phil, and Tyler are driving down a highway and their car breaks down. It's a three hour walk to the gas station. They plan to carry their gas tank there and bring it back full. For the first hour John will tell a happy story, for the next hour Phil will tell a sad story, and for the last hour Tyler will tell a scary story.
After two hours of walking it is Tyler's turn and he says "Okay guys… I forgot the money."
A teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would rush into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir." the boys
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, my feet don't turn red from blood?"
Little Johnny shouted "It's because your feet aren't empty."
A professor was giving a big test one day. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back.
This student got his test back and $56 change.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
10 Facts About You: 1. You're reading this now. 2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact. 4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3. 5. You're checking now. 6. You're smiling. 7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid. 9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8. 10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again. 11. You're enjoying this. 12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
An Englishman is walking down the Irish countryside and stops at a river to take a drink. He cups a hand and gets some water. Just as he is about to drink a shepherd yells to him in a thick Irish accent, "Don't drink out the river, it's full of sheep pee!"
The Englishman replies, "I don't understand a word you are saying. I'm English. What'd you say?"
The shepherd replies, "Use both hands, you'll get more that way."
A new father is sitting down with his father for a drink. His dad tells him, "Now that you're a father yourself it's time I give you something."
He replies, "Dad, you're not talking about-."
His father interrupts, "Yes. It's time." With this he hands him a copy of '1000 Dad Jokes, 6th Edition' to his son.
He says with a tear in his eye, "Dad, I'm honored."
"Hi honored," his father replies, "I'm dad."
A man is jogging down the road and he sees a boy eating a candy bar with a ton of wrappers sitting next to him. The man tells him "Kid, it isn't good for you to sit there all day eating candy bars."
The kid scowls at him and says "Hey mister, my grandpa is 98 years old and still walking around."
The jogger asks him "And he sits around eating candy all day?"
The boy replies "No, but he minds his own business."
Mrs. Smith is teaching her 3rd grade class and tells them, "Human beings are the only species that can stutter."
A little girl named Emily replies, "That's not true, my little kitty stuttered the other day. Our neighbor's dog jumped over the fence the other day and my kitty said, 'Ffffff! Ffffff! Ffffff!'."
Mrs. Smith asks, "How is that stuttering?"
Emily replies, "Before she could say 'fuck' the dog got her."
A man is sitting on his porch when he notices two blondes working down the road. They both have shovels. One of them digs a hole and the other immediately fills it in. The man watches them for a few hours and finally approaches them, "You guys look like you're working hard. But I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish."
One of the blondes replies, "Well there's usually three of us, but the one that plants the trees is sick."
One morning before a man leaves for work his wife asks him "Honey, do you know what today is?"
He nervously responds "Of course I do!" Then he leaves for work.
Throughout the day he sends his wife flowers, chocolate, and a card telling her to meet him at a certain expensive restaurant for dinner.
When he meets her at the restaurant she runs up to him and says "This has been the best Independence Day of my life!"
A woman with brown hair goes to the doctor and tells him "Doctor! I think something is really wrong. My entire body hurts when I touch it." She touches her arm, legs, and stomach screaming in pain each time.
The doctor looks at her for a second and asks "Do you dye your hair?"
The woman surprised says "Yeah I'm naturally blonde. How did you know?"
The doctor replies "That's what I thought, your finger is broken."
A burglar breaks into a house and while he's searching for valuables he hears "Jesus is watching you." He looks around but only sees a parrot in the corner. He walks up to the parrot and asks "Are you the little guy who was talking to me?" The parrot says "Yes, my name is Ronald." The burglar laughs and says "What kind of idiot gives a parrot a stupid name like that." The parrot laughs and says "The same idiot who names his Pitbull Jesus."
A man is going ice fishing. He drills a hole in the ice and hears a booming voice, "There's no fish in there!"
He begins to drill another hole and again hears the voice, "Stop drilling, there's no fish there!"
He drills a third hole and the voice sounds again, "You aren't going to find any fish there!"
The fisherman, frightened, asks, "Is this God?"
The booming voice yells back, "No! I'm the rink manager!"
Little Timmy asked his dad "Where do people come from?"
His dad replied "Adam and Eve were the first people and they had children. Then their children had children and so on."
Later Timmy asked his mom the same question and she said "We evolved from monkeys."
Timmy went to his father and asked him why he lied and told him what his mother had said. His dad replied "Your mom was talking about her side of the family."