A man goes door-to-door selling vacuums and knocks on his first door. A big unkempt woman answers the door but before she can say anything he slips past her into the house. He immediately throws dog poop on the floor. She yells at him, "What are you doing?!"
He tells her, "If this vacuum doesn't clean this up I'll eat whatever's left."
She smiles and replies, "I'll grab you a fork. I haven't paid the electric bill in months."
A police officer pulls over a car full of old women. He says "Mam, you realize you can't drive that slow on the highway. It's dangerous."
She responds "Isn't the speed limit 33?"
Laughing the cop says "No man, this is highway 33. That's not the speed limit." He looks into the back of the car and the women are frightened. He asks "What's wrong with them?"
The lady says "I don't know. We just came off of Highway 144."
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard it was, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels, and flung him over the table and across the room..
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth as hard as that."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana!
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese." She says "Still not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says "Liver alone… cheese mine."
There is a blonde, brunette, and a red head running away from a bad guy and they decide to hide in a barn. They all quickly find hiding spots. The red head hides behind a cow, the brunette hides behind a horse, and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes.
The bad guy comes in and when he passes the cow the red head says "Moo!". When he passes the horse the brunette says "Nay!" Finally he comes to the potatoes and the blonde says "PO-TA-TOE!"
A guy takes his girlfriend to prom. Before prom day he had to get a tuxedo. The store had a very long line. After he got out of the store he went to a florist to get a corsage. At the shop he had to wait in an enormous line before buying the corsage.
When they arrive at prom they have to wait in an extremely long line at the door. Once in, his girlfriend gets hungry so they wait in a long buffet line. Then she gets thirsty and there is no punchline.
A private is standing outside in the smoking area when he is approached by a young lieutenant, "Private, do you have change for a dollar?!"
The private replies, "I sure do pal."
The lieutenant yells back, "I am not your pal! You will address me as an officer and give me the respect I have earned maggot! Stand at attention and tell me again, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private, now standing perfectly erect says, "Sir, no sir!"
One day a blondes house catches on fire so she calls the police in a panic and hears "What is your emergency?"
She replies "My house is on fire hurry!"
The person on the other end responds "Mam, calm down and tell me where you are."
She yells back "My house! Come to my house!"
The person now annoyed says "We need more than that, how are we supposed to find you?"
The blonde gets mad and says "With your big red trucks!"
A blonde girl is standing next to her school's flagpole. The janitor comes up to her and asks her what she's doing. She replies "I have to find the height of the flagpole for math class."
With this the janitor unscrews the flagpole and lays it down on the ground. He measures it with a measuring tape and tells her "Twenty-five feet, five inches."
She thanks him but as he is walking away she says "What a dummy. I wanted the height, not the width."
A man is getting into a nice warm bath to relax. Once he is situated he hears the doorbell ring. He is mad but he gets up and dries off. As he is walking to the door he falls to the ground hurting his back. When he finally gets to the door the person at the door says "Oh, sorry. I think I'm at the wrong house."
The man is angry so he yells "Are you serious?"
The person at the door replies "Chill out man, you need to take a hot bath or something."
A man meets the best Bible salesman in the world. The salesman greets him, "Nuh, nuh, nuh, nice to meet you."
The man asks him, "If you don't mind me asking, what's your secret?"
The salesman replies, "It's suh, suh, suh, simple. I juh, juh, just go to the duh, duh, duh, door and suh, say, 'Duh, duh, duh, do you wuh, wuh, want to buh, buh, buh, buh, buy a bible? Or wuh, would you luh, luh, luh, like muh, me to ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, read it to you?'"
A truck driver stops at a restaurant to get some food and rest. A gang of bikers approach him while he's eating and start to mess with him. They call him names and throw food at him but he doesn't do anything about it. When he's finished he pays his bill and leaves.
After he leaves one of the bikers says, "Well he isn't much of a man is he?"
The waitress says, "He isn't much of a truck driver either. He just ran over 20 motorcycles on his way out."
A woman goes to her lawyer and tells him, "I want to divorce my husband."
The lawyer says, "Do you have any grounds?"
She replies, "Yes, we have a few acres. But there's nothing valuable on it."
He says, "That's not what I meant, do you have a grudge?"
She replies, "Yes, that's where I park my car."
The lawyer becomes angry at this point, "Why do you want a divorce?!"
She replies, "We have trouble communicating."
A blonde woman is pulled over on a by a police officer for swerving. He asks her, "Mam, why were you swerving all over the road?"
She looks relieved, "Sir! I'm glad you're here. I looked away for a second then there was a tree right in front of me. Then I swerved left and another tree was right there. Then right, then left."
The police officer bends over and looks into her car and reaches for the rear-view mirror, "Mam, this is your air freshener."
A blonde goes to the doctor and tells him she has been extremely moody lately and can't control her temper.
He suggests, "Sounds like stress. You should try getting some exercise. Run 10 miles a day and call me in a couple of weeks."
She does this and calls him in a couple of weeks, "I've been running every day and I do feel a little better."
He asks her, "And how's your family?"
She replies, "How would I know? I'm 140 miles away."
Three blondes come to a river but can't figure out how to get across. One blonde says, "God, make me a fish so I can swim across the river." So she becomes a fish and swims across the river.
The next blonde woman says, "God, give me a canoe so I can make it across this river." A canoe pops up in the river and she makes it across.
The final blonde says, "God, make me smarter so I can make it across." Poof! She turns into a man and crosses the bridge.
A priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
A Jewish man is riding the train reading an Arab newspaper. His friend happens to also be on the train and confronts, "What are you doing reading that?!"
The man replies, "I got sick of the Jewish newspapers. All I ever read about was Jes living in poor conditions, Israel getting attacked, and Jews being persecuted…
Now that I read the Arab newspaper we rule the world! We control the media, run the banks, and are all wealthy. That's much better news!"
Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure. The ground is covered in rabbit droppings. Johnny asks, "What are all of the pellets on the floor grandpa?"
His grandpa replies, "Oh those? Those are smart pills. You eat them and you get smarter."
Johnny likes the sound of that so he grabs a large handful of them and shoves them into his mouth, "Yuck! Grandpa, these taste like crap."
His grandpa replies, "You're getting smarter already."