A little old man told his wife, "I have to go to my doctor's appointment now. I'll see you later."
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television. A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction. Knowing that that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him, "Honey, there's a car going in the wrong direction!"
The husband replied, "They're all going in the wrong direction!"
A blonde girl and her boyfriend are at a bar watching the news. Suddenly a news story comes onto the screen, a man is standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The blonde says "I bet you $100 he doesn't jump."
Her boyfriend takes the bet and the man eventually jumps. After the blonde pays her boyfriend he admits to her "I saw this on the news an hour ago, take your money back."
She replies "I saw it too. I just never thought he would jump twice in one day!"
An old couple is sitting on their couch and the woman asks her husband "If I die will you get married again."
The husband replies "Well I don't want to be lonely… So yes."
His wife shoots him a dirty look and says "Will you live in our house?"
The husband replies "Well it's already paid off... So yes."
His wife is extremely mad at this point. She asks him "Will she use my golf clubs?!"
The husband replies "Oh no... She's left handed."
Three men are sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. The nurse approaches the first one and says "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The man says "That's strange, I work for the Minnesota Twins."
The nurse comes back and approaches the second man "Your wife had quadruplets sir!"
The man says "Wow! I work for Foursquare."
The last man starts to cry so the nurse asks him "What's wrong sir?"
The man replies "I work for 84 lumber!"
A pregnant woman wants her child to have very good manners. Every night while she's going to bed she rubs her stomach and says, "Be kind, be kind."
Nine months comes and goes and she doesn't have the baby. She refuses to have doctors look at her because it is against her believes. She dies at the age of 70 and still hasn't given birth. The mystery is solved when doctors inspect her. Inside of her womb they find two little men saying to each other "No brother, after you."
Three girls are sitting together at a bar: a blonde, a brunette, and a girl with green hair. A man walks up to them and says "You girls have beautiful hair. Do you dye it?"
The blonde looks at him and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
The brunette looks at him and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
Finally the green haired girl sneezes into her hand and runs her hand through her hair saying "It's all natural."
A blind man walks into a bar and sits for a while with nobody talking to him. He says "Anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender tells him "Before you tell it I just want to let you know there is a cage fighting blonde on one side of you and a large blonde softball player on the other side. I'm also a blonde and I can bench 300 pounds. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Obviously not! I don't have time to explain the joke 3 times."
Three elderly ladies are discussing their mental health. The first lady says, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "I was sitting at the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or just woke up."
The final lady says, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood." With this she hits the table twice. Suddenly she is startled and looks up, "Who's there?"
An old blacksmith realized he was going to have to retire soon, so he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions" he told the boy, "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there. When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
The town is currently looking for a new blacksmith.
It was a really hot day at the office because the air conditioning was down. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working!"
A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me… I'm not wearing any."
A truck driver is delivering some penguins to the zoo. But his truck breaks down in a dessert near the zoo. Luckily, a pickup truck soon comes by. The driver flags him down and hands him $300 saying, "Take these penguins to the zoo."
A few hours later he sees the same guy heading the opposite way with the penguins still in the back. He yells at the man, "You were supposed to take them to the zoo!"
The guy replies, "I did, but we had money left over so we're going to the movies."
Three men have been given life sentences and are allowed to bring one thing for fun. The first one brings a deck of cards. He says, "I brought these to pass the time when we're bored."
The second one brings a harmonica and says, "I brought this to cheer us up when we're down."
The final man, who happened to be blond, brought tampons. The other men ask him, "What the hell did you bring those for?"
He replies, "The back says you can swim, run, and play sports with these."
Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Joe Biden, and their pilot are flying aboard Air Force 1 over the United States.
Barack: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out of the window and make someone very happy."
Michelle: "Well, I could throw throw ten hundred dollar bills out of the window and make ten people happy."
Joe: "Why don't you jump out Barack, and make me very happy?"
Pilot: "Why don't you all jump out and make 300 million people happy?"
Two men go on a fishing trip. They rent everything they need for the trip including the cabin.
The first day they go fishing they don't catch anything. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home one of them turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
A blonde, brunette, and red head are all talking about what their dreams were when they were kids. The brunette says, "I wanted to be a princess. I was so dumb."
The red head says, "I wanted to be a movie star. I was so crazy."
The blonde says, "I wanted to be the first person to travel around the sun, but I still haven't given up."
The brunette tells her, "If you came that close to the sun you would burn."
The blonde laughs at her, "That's why I would go at night!"
Three elderly men are sitting together and discussing what they want their family and friends to say when they are lying in their casket at their funeral.
The first man says "I want them to say I was a great father and a great friend. I want them to say I could always be counted on."
The second guy says "I just want them to talk about how much I changed the world, and how I left it a better place."
The third man says "I want them to look right at me and say: 'Look! He's moving!'"
A grandmother gives her grandson directions, "Once you get to the building open the door with your elbows. Once you get to the elevator his the up button with your elbow. I'm on the third floor so you're going to have to his the number 3 on the elevator with your elbow. Then once you get off I'm the first to the left, just hit the doorbell with your elbow."
The grandson replies, "That sounds easy enough, but why with my elbows?"
The grandmother says, "Oh… So you're going to be open handed?"
There are three men in a truck driving in a desert. Their names are Manners, Poo, and Shut Up.
Poo falls out of the truck but nobody notices. They finally stop at a gas station and Manners goes back to look for Poo while Shut Up waits at the station.
A policeman approaches Shut Up and asks "What's your name?" He replies "Shut Up." The policeman asks again "What's your name?!" He replies "Shut Up!" Annoyed, the policeman asks "Where are your manners?"
He replies "Gone picking up Poo."
A church puts out a wanted ad for somebody to ring their bell each day. A man with no arms replies to the want ad. The priest asks him "How can you ring a bell with no arms?"
The man runs into the bell face first and the bell rings loud and beautifully. The priest gives him the job. One day he misses the bell though and falls to his death. The priest and several other people come to the man's side and one of them says "Who is he?"
The priest replies "I don't know. But his face sure rings a bell."
A grocer puts up a sign above his turkeys, "$5 each or $20 for three."
All day long people approach him outraged by his incorrect math, "It should be $15 for three, I'll just buy them separately."
All day people come buy and just buy them separately for less after yelling at him.
After one of his employees watch this go on all day he asks him, "Are you going to fix the sign or what?"
The grocer replies, "What do I need to fix? Before I put up the sign nobody bought three turkeys."