An ant and a centipede are hanging out and they run out of pop. The ant is going to get more but the centipede tells him, "Let me go, I'm faster with all of my legs." The ant agrees.
After waiting a couple of hours the ant calls the centipede, "What's taking so long?"
The centipede replies, "Hold on, I almost have my shoes on."
Three blondes are walking in the forest when they come across some tracks. The first blonde says "These are definitely rabbit tracks."
The second blonde says "Are you crazy? These are bear tracks."
The final blonde says "You're both wrong, these are moose tracks."
They argued for hours until finally the train hit them.
The captain of a pirate ship is under attack one day and he tells his first mate to bring him his red shirt. The mate asks him "Why did you want your red shirt?"
The captain replied "Never let your enemy see you bleed!"
The next day somebody spots 200 ships coming their way. The captain sighs and says "Bring me my brown pants!"
A boss finds one of his blonde employees crying in her cubicle. He asks her what's wrong and she tells him, "My mom died!"
He tells her, "I'm sorry, you should take the rest of the day off to be with your family."
The blonde replies, "But that's not even the worse thing that happened… My sister just called, and her mom died too!"
A mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant are all up for the same job. The board asks each of them the same section, "What is 100 + 200?"
The mathematician replies, "300."
The statistician replies, "300, with 95 % certainty."
The accountant says in a hushed voice, "What do you want it to be?" He gets the job.
A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks her, "Why would you want arsenic?"
She replies, "To kill my husband!"
He replies, "I'm not selling you arsenic for that!"
She hands him a photo of her husband with his wife in bed. The pharmacist replies, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
A man has always had the dream of being in a circus. He approaches a man in charge of a circus and tells him, "I can do the best bird impression you have ever seen."
The man in charge says, "That's nothing special, a lot of people can do bird impressions."
The man turns and says, "Okay." Then he starts to flap his arms and flies away.
Three foreign guys came to america, and they knew no english. the first guy liked watching dora, and learned the phrase: "we did it!" the second guy liked going to restarantus, so he learned the phrase: "forks and knives". finally they all went to a candy store and the third guy learned:"he stole my lollipop". click on show punchline to see what happens.
A knight and his men come back to the castle after a long day. The king asks him, "How are we faring?"
The knight replies, "Sire, I have been robbing, pillaging and burning down the towns of your enemies in the north all day long."
The king shrieks, "What?! I have no enemies in the north!"
The night replies, "Oh… You do now."
Math Guy 1: Hey, if you take all of my past girlfriends they form a group.
Math Guy 2: How so?
Math Guy 1: If you put any 2 of them together they'll talk about another one.
Math Guy 2: But who's the identity?
Math Guy 1: I had a thing with a psychiatrist a while back…
An Asian woman goes to the bank to exchange some Yen for dollars. She hands the teller the same amount as she did the previous day but gets less American dollars in return. She asks the tell, "Why I get less today? Before I get a hundret and now only eighty?"
The teller tells her, "Fluctuations."
The lady replies, "Fluck you white people too!"
A man and his wife are in front of a judge deciding who gets them. The wife tells the judge, "I'm their mother. I birthed them and I should get to raise them."
The judge then turns to the father and asks for his reasoning. The man thinks for a while and retorts, "If I put a $1.50 into a pop machine and a coke comes out, the does the machine get the coke?"
A man is trying to find a spot to park at his favorite bar but it's to busy. After ten minutes of looking he looks up to the sky and says "God, if you get me a space I will pray every day and go to church every Sunday like I should."
Suddenly a great spot opens up right in front of him. He looks up again with excitement and says "Never mind, I found one."
A woman is at a gas station when she noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it.
The woman noticed that "UFO" was printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked "Doesn't UFO stand for unidentified flying object?" The alien answered "No, it stands for unleaded fuel only!"
The manager of a factory is looking to make the factory more cost efficient. He calls all of his employees to the floor and tells them, "The first man to come up with a great way for us to save money will get $5,000."
A man in front quickly raises his hand. The manager asks him, "That was quick, what's your idea Tom?"
Tom swiftly replies, "Make it $2,000?"
A man wakes up on his 33rd birthday on the 3rd day of the third month to notice the clock is stuck at 3:33. He opens up the newspaper and notices in the sports section (page 3) horse #3 in the 3rd race of the day is running 33 to 1 odds.
He takes all of his life savings ($33,333.33) out of the bank and bets it on the horse.
To his surprise, it comes in 3rd.
A woman walks up to the checkout line at a store with these items: 2% milk, bread, Pepsi, macaroni, and cookies. She sees a drunk man. The man says "You must be single."
The woman is startled. How could he have known? He didn't see her hands and the man couldn't have figured it out from her items. "How did you know?" she asked.
He replied, "Cause your ugly!"
Two men are playing golf together when they catch up to a couple of ladies who are playing very slowly. One of the men decides to ask them if they can play through but as he approaches them he realizes the women are his wife and mistress.
He tells the second man about the situation so the second man decides he will ask. He quickly turns around and says, "Small world."
A blonde woman walks into a library and walks up to the librarian. She tells her "I'll have a double cheese burger, medium fries, and a large drink."
The librarian, slightly annoyed, tells her "Honey, this is a library. Not a McDonald's."
The blonde, extremely embarrassed, whispers "I'm sorry. I'll have a double cheese burger, medium fries, and a large drink."
Bill Gates was out fishing when his pole started to jiggle. He reels in the fish and the fish asks him, "Please don't eat me, can't you throw me back?"
Bill replies, "Woah, a talking fish! I was going to throw you back anyways."
The fish swims away then turns back, "Now that you let me go, how about a wish?"
Mr. Gates replies, "Okay, what do you want?"