A boss was complaining in a staff meeting one day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Thomas has been feeling sick lately so he goes to his doctor. After he receives his check-up his doctor calls him in "Tom, I've got some bad for you…"
Tom quickly asks "What is it?!"
The doctor tells him "You have about twelve to live."
Thomas waits a moment and asks "Twelve what? Years? Months? Weeks?"
The doctor continues "Eight! Seven! Six!..."
A Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What?! If this is some sort of joke you have to leave!" So they both walk out.
A few minutes later a chicken walks into the bar. The bartender yells, "Come on! We don't even serve chickens!"
The chicken asks, "Do you know anywhere that does?"
The bartender replies, "Yeah… It's right across the road."
Thomas has tried out for every school play since 2nd grade and he finally gets a part. He rushes home and yells to his father, "I got a part! I got a part!"
His dad asks him, "Oh yeah? Who do you play?"
His son replies, "I play a man who's been married for 30 years with 4 children."
The father says, "Oh, I'm sorry son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. After the game he asks her, "So what'd you think?"
She replies, "I like the tights and the muscles, but all of that commotion over 25 cents?"
He asks her what she means. She replies, "At the beginning they toss a quarter and one team gets it. Then they spend the rest of the game yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
Little Tommy asks his mom if he can have some animal crackers. His mom gives him a box of crackers and tells him he can have a few. His mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with Tommy looking through them. His mother asks "What are you doing Tommy?"
Tommy replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken. But I can't find a seal!"
Stalin is giving a big speech when somebody sneezes, he abruptly stops, "Who was that?"
Nobody says a word. Stalin commands, "Execute the first row." The guards do so. "Now who was it?!"
Again nobody says anything. He commands, "Now the second row."
At this point a meek voice chirps, "It was me."
Stalin looks at the man and leans forward, "Bless you, comrade!"
Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"
The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"
The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."
There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"
Two men lost separated from their wives at a festival and are looking for them. They decide to help each other out. One man asks the other, "So what does your wife look like?"
He pulls out a picture and replies, "She's tall, blonde, fit, huge tits, voluptuous ass, beautiful face and loves sex. How about your wife?"
The other guy grabs the photo, "Screw her, lets just find yours."
A barber, a bald man and an absent-minded professor take a journey together. They have to camp overnight, and so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me."
A preacher is coming to the end of his sermon and he tells the congregation, "In preparation for next week's sermon, everybody read Leviticus chapter 28."
Next week when everybody comes in the preacher follows up, "Now who read Leviticus chapter 28?" Almost everybody raises their hands. The preacher says, "Okay, good. There is no Leviticus chapter 28. I'd like to begin my sermon on lying."
A man brings his girlfriend into his room and tells her to sit down "There is something I have to tell you."
She replies "What is it?"
He tells her "I don't want you to be my girlfriend anymore."
She immediately jumps up and screams at him "I never want to see you again!"
The man, dumbfounded, says to himself "Well that was a waste of a $5,000 engagement ring…"
A man walks into the bar and says, "Pour me a stiff one! Just got into another fight with the old lady."
The bartender asks him, "How'd it end this time?"
The man replies, "She came crawling back to me on her hands and knees."
The bartender is surprised, "Wow, that's a change. What'd she say?"
The man says, "She said, 'Come out from under there, you little bitch.'"
"Hey Mom?" asked Little Johnny, "Can you give me $20?"
"Certainly not," She replied.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what Dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey Maria, could you make sure I've got clean socks tomorrow.'"
A kid is at his interview for a job at a burger joint and is asked "What do you expect to get paid hourly?"
The young man replies "I was thinking about $20 an hour."
The interviewer replies "Okay, we can do that. You can also have one month paid vacation, dental, and medical."
The boy gets excited "Are you joking?!"
The interviewer replies "Yeah, but you started it."
A group full of very ugly people die in a bus accident. When they come to God he grants them all one last wish. The first person says "I wish I was beautiful!" God makes them beautiful. This goes on and all of the people wish to be beautiful until he gets to the last person. The last person is laughing historically and God asks him "Why are you laughing?" The man replies "I wish they were all ugly again."
A blonde goes to the doctor after hurting herself. The doctor tells her, "You're going to have to take it easy at work for a couple of weeks." He then gives her a note for her employer.
When the blonde brings the note to her employer he tells her, "Okay, I guess you're going to have to have light duty for the next few weeks."
The blonde replies, "Oh no! I don't know how to change lights."
A brunette woman challenges a blonde woman to a swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette tells her, "You have to breast stroke all the way."
The brunette finishes up the race within a few hours and waits for the blonde. She waits and waits and eventually falls asleep.
The next morning she wakes up to the blonde standing over her extremely angry yelling, "You used your arms!"
A man joins a golfing tournament, but he is a terrible golfer. Lucky for him an evil leprechaun lives on the course and offers him a deal, "I will make you win this tournament, if you promise to never marry!"
The man agrees and indeed wins the tournament. Afterwards the leprechaun approaches the man, "Remember, you can't marry anybody now!"
Adjusting his collar the priest replies, "Yeah, whatever."
A blonde walks into a store and shows a clerk she would like a particular TV. He tells her, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Enraged she goes home, dyes her hair, and returns the next day. She approaches another salesman and shows him the TV. He tells her, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Angry, she says, "How did you know I was blonde?"
He replies, "That's not a TV, it's a microwave."