An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders 1/2 a beer, the third orders 1/4 a beer, etc. The bartender hands them two beers to share. The mathematicians say "Are we all supposed to share this?"
The bartender replies "Guys, you have to know your limits."
Three priests are talking. The first one says, "I've tried everything, but I still can't get rid of our rats!"
The second one says, "I know! We've tried poison, traps, noise. Nothing works."
The third one says, "We baptized and confirmed all of our rats. Now they only show up at Easter and Christmas."
A blonde goes on a hot date and they end up making out in his car. he asks the blonde, "You want to get in the back seat?"
She replies, "No!"
Things continue to get hotter and he asks her again. She replies, "No!."
He asks her why she refuses and she replies, "I want to stay up here with you."
A child asks her mom "Why am I named Daisy"? The mother replies "because I dropped a daisy on your head when you were born." Her next child asks her "Why am I named Rose". The mother says "cause I dropped a rose on your head when you were born". The mother's third child says "ahghhhh" and the mother says "Shut up Deuce."
A drill sergeant is yelling at one of his cadets, "You hate me don't you maggot?!"
The cadet replies, "Sir, no sir!"
The sergeant yells back, "I bet you're gonna piss on my grave after I die, aren't you?"
The cadet yells back, "Sir, no sir! I'm never going to wait in lines again when I get back."
A man got his house painted. When the painters were done they handed him the bill. He was surprised to find that the painters were not charging him for paint, just labor. He asked them, "You did a great job, why didn't you charge me for paint?"
The painter replies, "Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
A king is about to go to war so he locks up his beautiful wife and hands his best friend a key, "If I'm not back in 4 days, she's yours."
The king rides off to war, but he immediately sees his friend riding up beside him. "What's wrong?" Demands the king.
His friend replies with labored breath, "Wrong key."
A wife and her husband are at the dentist. The wife tells the dentist, "I don't have time for anesthesia, just hurry up and pull it."
The dentist replies, "You sure are a brave woman. Just show me which tooth it is and you'll be on your way."
The woman turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth honey."
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."
A guy walks into a bank with a gun and starts to rob the place. He tells everybody to get down and if anybody looks at him he will kill them. With this somebody looks at him and he promptly shoots them. He then asks everybody, "Did anyone else look at me?"
One guy raises his hand and says, "I think my wife took a peek."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Man rubs a genie's lamp
Genie: I am a genie, I will grant any one wish you wish.
Man: Okay. I want infinite wishes!
Genie: Come on, you know the rules. You can't do that.
Man: Okay. Could you make it so I understand women?
Genie: Infinite wishes it is!
A man walks up to a janitor and asks him, "Don't you ever get tired of cleaning."
The man, taken back, says, "Excuse me sir. I'll let you know I have children at Harvard, Yale, and MIT."
The other man replies, "Oh really? I'm sorry, what classes are they taking?"
The janitor replies, "Nah, they're janitors."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
A blonde goes to the hospital with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her, "How did you manage this?"
The blonde replies, "Well I was ironing and recieved a phone call. I accidentally picked up the iron instead of the phone."
The doctor says, "That explains one ear."
She replies, "Well they called again!"
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
A mother and her son go to church and the son says "Mom, I have to go pee!"
The mom says "You shouldn't say that in church. From now on just say you have to whisper."
The next week when the boy's father takes him to church the boy says "Dad, I have to whisper."
The dad replies "Okay… Just whisper into my ear."
A man walks up to another man and asks him , "Are you a lawyer?"
The other man replies, "Yes I am."
The other guy asks, "How much do you charge?"
The lawyer replies, "$500 per 4 questions."
The other guy replies, "Isn't that a little much?"
The lawyer replies, "Maybe, you have one more question."
Police Officer Nico receives a call from his chief. His chief tells him "Nico. I'm sorry but you're going to have to arrest your mother."
Nico starts to reply "Chief-" but is interrupted by his chief.
"Nico, I know it's hard, but it's part of the job."
Nico pauses and replies "Sir, I was just going to ask for backup."