Posts made by coryzinho

A man had a dog called Minton.

One day it ate two shuttlecocks.

When the owner found out, he said "bad Minton!"

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."

"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

Two male silk worms wanted the affections of a beautiful female silk worm. She said that she wanted which ever one could win a race.

So the two silk worms started racing across to the finish line.

However … they ended up in a tie!

Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman who didn't weigh much, and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

One guy joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

The lady looked up and replied, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"

Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen, one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they ousted him.

This is a truly significant event, because it's the first time a reign was called on account of the game.

During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo. He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy. So he issued an order to place copies of the New York 'Times' immediately beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops. In this way the men could keep their feet dry.

His staff was mystified. Why the "Times"? Why not the New York "Daily News"? Patton was adamant, and one did not argue with the General.

As five tons of old copies of the "Times" were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest quotes to the assembled war correspondents: "these are the 'times' that dry men's soles."

There was a russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB. One evening Rudolph and his wife, were walking along, and it began to snow.

"My, my, look at the lovely snow," said his wife.

"No, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied Rudolph.

"No, no, no, this is snow," she said.

"Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."

Rudolph went to the palace gaurd and said, "is it raining or snowing?"

The gaurd was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, rudolph?"

Rudolph replied, "raining."

The gaurd said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"

So Rudolph and his wife went walking off. The gaurd could just barely hear the KGB official say: "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."

A famous viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official.

The official apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

These three strings are walking along, dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley. After a long, long trek. They come to a bar.

"Boy, this is just in time…I can't go any farther." So he walks into the bar and orders a drink.

"Can't you read the sign there? We don't serve no strings here" bellows the bartender.

"But I'm going to die of thirst" protests the string.

With that the bartender picks him up, and throws him out into the street.

One of his buddies says "I'll disguise myself as a rope and go in to get us a drink." So, in he goes.

"Hey, I thought I told your friend that we don't serve your kind here. Now get out that door before I stomp on you!" So he quickly retreats out the door.

Finally the last string says "Hey, I've got an idea...I'll tie myself up like a pretzel, and frizzle out my ends, so he won't recognize me." So in he goes into the bar. He gets up to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender eyes him a little suspiciously. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I told to get out of here?"

To which the string answered "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $330." the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330!?

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Tara: I think our school is haunted.

Mara: Why do you say that?

Tara: Because the principal is always going on and on about the school spirit.

Lady: Is this my train?

Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.

Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven�s 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig.

The little hog laughed to see such sport and the sow jumped over the coon.

A church needed it's steeple painted. Because of the danger no reputable painter would take the job.

The church hired a couple of handymen to do the job. They were doing okay until near the end when they started to run low on paint. They didn't want to pay for more paint so since it was latex they thinned it with water.

As they put on the finishing touches it started pouring rain, ruining the paint job.

A voice boomed out of the clouds, "Repaint And Thin No More".

A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip of the beer and a small voice say's "Nice Tie!!".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. A little puzzled he takes another sip, and again the voice says "Nice shirt Too!!!".

Now the man calls the bartender back and complains that everytime he takes a sip of beer he hears a small voice.

The bartender says "Oh never mind that! That's just the peanuts, they're complimentary!!

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, 'Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.'

The Snail was OK about this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back…but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled 'WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!!'

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were… marooned.