Captain Kidd and his crew were on the high seas when they were attacked by Blackbeard, their arch enemy.
The first shot by Blackbeard's gunners took off Kidd's forward mast. The second shot splintered the center mast, and the third desintegrated the rear mast.
Panic stricken, one of Kidd's men asked what they should do.
"We have no choice but to surrender", replied the pirate, "He's using weapons of mast destruction!"
Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid.
One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.
"No problem," replied Smitty, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!"
The jockey saw the horse groom sprinkling something behind his horse's neck.
"What's that?" asked the jockey.
"It's yeast", answered the groom. "This will discourage birds from mistakenly building nests in your horse's beautiful mane."
"Will that really work?" asked the jockey.
"Of course!" replied the groom, "for yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."
In ancient Palestine, there was a group of traveling actors who went from village to village entertaining the people.
In one small village, the only son of one of the village elders was attracted to this life, and ran away with the actors when they moved on.
When the boy's absence was noticed, the people pursued the actors, and cornered them among the rocks. The villagers picked up rocks and were preparing to throw them at the actors, but were unable to generate the nerve to start until the village chief pushed the boy's father forward, saying…
"Let he who is without son stone the cast first!"
The Three Little Pigs were so lazy
they hated to work.
They wouldn't hold jobs as a carpenter, cleaner or clerk.
Instead they were burglars
who broke into houses to steal.
They took all the jewlery and artwork
that they could conceal.
When building their house they refused
to use mortar and bricks.
They wouldn't construct it with lumber
or even with sticks.
They couldn't be bothered with metal
or plastic or glass.
The pigs were so lazy they built it
with bundles of grass.
Well one night the piglets decided
to steal from the palace.
They broke in and stole every candlestick,
ladle and chalice.
They took every painting and rug
they could fit down the stairs,
and then they went back for
the king and the queen's royal chairs.
The took all their loot to the neighborhood
pawn shop to fence
for one hundred thirty eight dollars
and seventeen cents.
They sold every item they'd taken
except for the thrones.
And these they took home and positioned
right next to the phones.
The next day the Sheriff - one B.B. Wolfe -
blew down their house,
and found the two chairs that they took
from the king and his spouse.
The Three Little Pigs were arrested
and taken to jail,
to bring to a finish their twisted
and sad little tale.
Which proves if you build your own house
that you ought to use stones.
And piglets who live in grass houses
should never stow thrones.
The games at the Coliseum were scheduled to begin at three o'clock sharp, and Caesar decided to attend. He called Brutus, and instructed him to have the chariot standing by.
"What time do you want to leave?", inquired Brutus.
The Emperor, knowing that the ride from the palace to the Coliseum would take exactly an hour, and not wishing to be late, replied, "At two, Brute!"
The astronaut was packing for his first shuttle mission.
As he wedged the paperback novel he had been reading into his case, his wife said to him, "Don't you think taking that book with you is a waste of space?"
Two leftover bits of pizza were taken out to the trash behind the restaurant.
Lying with the other refuse, one said to the other, �do you think we�ll ever get out alive�?
The second responded, �are you kidding me, all we are is crust in the bin�.
John had a new dog, but he didn�t want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed.
However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity.
John wrote a book about her entitled, �Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity�.
In the ancient cattle kingdom, two cows, Duke Udder and Duke Moo were chewing the cud in the court.
Duke Moo made a joke over an obscure reference that Duke Udder didn�t catch.
Duke Udder asked for a hint at the meaning.
King Cow walked by and interjected, �You mean you want one clue over the Duke Moo�s jest?�
What did the little red tractor say to the big green tractor?
Why don't get you get a little closer, John Deere?
A chipmunk walked into a hardware store because he was redoing his bar. He asked the clerk where he could get one of those table tops that opens and shuts on a hinge.
The clerk wasn�t sure. So the chipmunk said, �Yeah, you know, the kind those blue jays above me have�.
�Oh�, said the clerk, �You mean closing counters of the bird kind!�
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care.
But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.
Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth.
For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
Becky, a gold miner's daughter, dearly loved Clem, but was too shy to tell him.
One day she learned that Clem was about to marry someone else, so she got her courage up and decided to find Clem, stop the wedding if necessary, and tell him how she felt. She had saddled her horse and was about to leave, when her father appeared and wanted to know why she was in such a hurry.
"Oh, father," cried Becky, "I hope I can find my darling Clem in time!"
Jane lived in Hollywood, California, and Julie lived in Miami, Florida. They both could afford to have their hair done by Pierre in St. Louis.
One day they both decided to have their hair done. They both called Pierre but he told them that he had only one spot left and that whoever would get there first could have it.
Jane hopped into her private jet and Julie hopped into her own helicopter. Jane had to emergency land in Denver, but Julie made it to St. Louis for her hair appointment.
The moral of the story is, the whirlybird gets the perm.
The zoo keeper in charge of the sea mammals was trying to train an otter to walk backwards. He was not having any success. He asked a coworker to see if she could do any better.
Lo and behold, the otter was walking backwards.
He asked her, "How did you do that?"
"Simple," she said, "You put one foot in front of the otter."
Lady Guinevere and Sir Lancelot have a big argument and Guinevere tells Lancelot she never wants to seen him again.
Lancelot is so depressed he goes down to the local tavern to drown his misery by drinking some ale.
Guinevere realizes the argument was silly and decides to find Lancelot and apologize. She sees his horse outside the tavern and goes in.
A local man who is just leaving, recognizes Guinevere, and says to her: "What's a knight's girl like you doing in a place like this?"
A software engineer tests new programs by seeing if it's simple enough for his computer-challenged brother to use.
This is known as the "Brother-can-use paradigm".
A college freshman on a dare stole twenty-three bottles of beer one night.
But to his relief the District Attorney dropped the charges.
She said she could not make a case of it!
A pony was giving a speach in a lecture hall. A man in the back told him to speak up because he couldn't hear.
The pony replied: "You'll have to excuse me, I'm a little horse".