Posts made by coryzinho

A lion tamer is walking a lion around downtown New York when he gets a call on his cell phone from the big cat's owner. The owner is on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, and wants the tamer to bring the lion up so it can see the city.

On the ride up in the elevator, the animal becomes frightened, and attacks the tamer, mauling him severely.

When they get off, the owner says to the tamer: "Boy, you look awful!"

The tamer replies: "I'll tell you one thing, chief, I'm not taking this lion down!"

An inebriated fellow comes into a tavern and begins telling a long, drawn out story about a lion he shot and brought home from safari. He goes on to describe how it is big, yellow, and with black stripes.

The bartender says, "It sounds like you have a tiger, by the tale."

There was this guy who supported his local Little League team by making the bats for them in his woodshop. On game days, he would place the bats under a hedge near the street, and someone from the team would pick them up on the way to the ballpark.

One day, some Japanese children came to the guy's door, and asked if they might play in his yard

they even offered him a Japanese dollar if he would come out and play with them. The guy agreed and joined them. He was having so much fun romping and cavorting with the children, that he completely forgot there was a game that day, didn't get the bats out, and the team had to forfeit.

The moral of the story is that if you ever get a yen to gambol, be sure to hedge your bats.

There's this stage play in which the first act is about a cancelled lunar mission, and in the second, an actor has a number of lines to deliver in the role of a scam artist named Kohl.

The first act comes off ok, but as Act II begins, the stage hand who is supposed to hold up the cue cards is not around, and nobody knows where he is.

The actor who plays the scam artist is upset,and grumbles: "We can rescind a missile to the moon, but we can't find a cuer for the con-man Kohl!"

A man walked into a haunted house wanting to get a picture of a ghost with his instamatic camera. After a couple hours, he finally saw one. It was a friendly ghost who actually posed for the picture.

The man took the first picture, but it turned out too dark. So the ghost posed for another one, and the picture again turned out dark.

The ghost had to go so the man did not get a picture.

Goes to show that the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

During World War One, Mata-Hari, the famous spy, attended a masquarade party at one of the French Army Officer's Clubs, in hopes of learning some secret information.

Colonel Bouchard, a counterintelligence officer, learned of this, and decided to raid the place and arrest her. He and a squad of military police stormed in and secured the doors.

Bouchard then took the stage, and commanded, "All right, let's everybody get those masks off, and we'll see who's Hari now!"

Two painters, one an old man and the other a youngster, were painting a very large home. It was getting late in the day when they reached the second floor.

There ahead of them was a very long corridor. The older painter said, �I�ve had enough for one day I quit. How about you?�

With that the younger painter headed toward the corridor and said, �Not me I�m in this for the long hall.�

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.

One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.

The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.

There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. This lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.

Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land – putting up a large map of the country in the recpetion area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.

One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.

"Oh," the nun says, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

When the Liberty Bell was forged, the Philadelphia city council decided to celebrate the inauguration by having a pie baking competition.

There would be two categories. The best bell-shaped pie and the best overall pie. Competition was furious but all ended well as one of the winners was a popular senior nun from their local community who baked a superb vegetable dish. It had to be.

Everybody knows that Mother Teresa Wins No Bell Peas Pie.

Gene Autry and Frankie Laine were hosting a Christmas party. As the guests arrived, Frankie would record their names in the register.

The guest of honor, Sammy Cloze, was late, and Gene was very worried. At last, Sammy's taxi drove up and as he stepped out, Gene was so relieved he shouted:

"Here comes Sammy Cloze! Here comes Sammy Cloze! Write down Sammy Cloze, Laine!"

A man had an ice delivery business. Most of his customers were bar owners. One day, he had two more stops to make. One at Barb's Place and one at Sue's Stop. Barb had forgotten to order ice this week and asked if he had any extra.

The man said, "No, I only have ice for Sue."

In the early 1900's, The Hellman's Mayonnaise company was based in England. In fact,several cases of it were loaded on the Titanic for her maiden voyage. They were to be off loaded at the second port of call, Vera Cruz, Mexico.

We all know what happened to the Titanic,and why the Mexicans celebrate Sinko de Mayo.

For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him. One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.

"How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?"

Sighing, the professor rapidly scanned the English 101 term paper on "Early American Railways" submitted by the class dunce, determined almost at a glance that large portions had been lifted verbatim and without attribution from Clemens' "The Gilded Age" and "Innocents Abroad," assigned a failing mark to the pathetic fraud, and scrawled in red across the cover sheet, "Come, sir, this is TOO, TOO TWAIN."

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young fairy princess who dreamed of being a ballet dancer. Then one day, she read an ad in her email that announced the Royal Ballet's next auditions in a nearby town.

So on the right day, the fairy princess geared up one hundred white pigeons to her chariot, and off they flew to the theater.

After witnessing her outrageous entrance, the director immediately told her to go back home.

"But why?" wept the broken-hearted shell of the would-be-ballerina.

"Because," came the heartless reply, "I've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already."

Two American astronomers were visiting a French observatory.

One asks the other, "Comet Halley view?"

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm.

He says to the bartender, "One for me and one for the road."