Posts made by coryzinho

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder … those are friars!"

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work.

Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick.

Bewildered, the husband demanded, "What was that for ?"

I'm sorry, "his wife replied stiffly, … "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers."

These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck they see it's surrounded by three bears.

"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really get them mad. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth".

"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster mad, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"

"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."

A guy was coming home from work in the city, driving country roads to get home.

He looks in his rear view mirror and sees an ambulance. He pulls over and as the ambulance passes, and sees the the back door is open a little. The ambulance goes over a bump and out falls an ice chest.

The guy rushes over to the ice chest and opens it up. Inside is a human toe in the ice. He sees he can't catch the ambulance so he gets in his car and rushes to the nearest gas station to call 911. They tell him they will send a car right away but that all of their police cars are in use and to just wait 20 minutes.

So he waits 20 minutes until the toe truck shows up.

In the 1900s an English town had fallen on really hard times. For decades its primary industry had been its textile mills, but now the mills were all closed and unemployment was at an all-time high.

Desperate, the town's mayor looked frantically around for other industries to bring to his town. He found that there was a man in Germany who waslooking for someone to take over his thriving hunting dog breeding business. The man had made a fortune raising the animals and was not willing to unload it for a fraction of its value, so that he could retire.

The mayor used his influence to have the mills converted to kennels and all of the dogs transported to his town. Employment skyrocketed and the town prospered. Everyone was happy, even though, sometimes–especially on the nights with a full moon--the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake.

But, even these unfortunate few learned to sigh and say, "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich".

An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia. "Help sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just died! I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!"

The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work.

But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole six months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces.

When at last he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness.

"At last", he said, …. "I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!"

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

I was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily.

My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea.

I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes.

I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine.

Of course, that's because they were wind-chilled vipers.

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.

Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.

The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.

He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

"What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

A Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman and Chinese man are taking a flight from Glasgow, Scotland to Paris.

The Scotsman looks out the window and says, "ahhh, now there's a wonderful piece of Scotland".

A little farther, the Englishman puts down his teacup and looks out the window and remarks, "oooh, what a wonderful piece of England".

Farther still, the Irishman glances down and points, "now there's a wonderful piece of Ireland".

The Chinese man is feeling distinctly far from home, so he smashes his window, throws out a saucer, and says with a big smile, "now there's a piece of china".

A couple of clams were eating chocolate bars while two fish watched.

"Did you see that?" one fish said, as the clams finished their treat.

"They didn't offer us a single bite!"

"What do you expect?" asked the other fish. "They're two shellfish."

A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years.

One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.

The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.

The manager turned him down.

The bag boy said, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager said, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."

One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could. He was taken to emergecy at the hospital, and rushed away.

After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."

"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

There where once two brothers called William and Wayne. Will was 12 years old and his little brother was 3.

The neighbors noticed they always went around together, if William went down to the ballpark, his little brother would toddle along behind him, even if the game was a bit rough, and when Wayne went to playgroup, his elder brother would come too, and sit there with all the toddlers.

One neighbor thought this was really strange, so one day he leaned over the fence and asked the boys' mother why they were so inseparable even though they had nothing in common.

"Well," the mother replied, "didn't you know? 'Where there's a Will there's a Wayne.'"

During Nicaragua's war between the Sandinistas and the Contras, an American speech therapist decided to help the Contras.

After his arrival, he spoke with an officer in the army and asked, "What can I do to help?"

"You're in speech therapy?" was the reply. "How about helping with some Contra diction?"

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, [email protected].

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the email ended up going to [email protected].

A Jean Johnson in Duluth was the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the email and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"

"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."

"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you are done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."

It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.

"Did you do a good job?" she asked.

"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."