Posts made by coryzinho

The police found and arrested two young people the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one … and let the other one off.

Did you see the movie about the cannibal that ate his mother-in-law?

It was named Gladiator.

Two hunters were sitting in a tavern, arguing about who was the better hunter. They decided to bet a tall glass of beer each that they could kill and return with a killing first.

One took up his hunting rifle and went out, and the other got into a fighter plane, found a lion, and killed it no problem.

Forty-five minutes after the first hunter returned, the second returned. In disbelief, he asked how he did it so fast. The first hunter replied "Everyone knows that a strafed lion is the shortest distance between two pints."

This man is really interested in a pair of boots and would do anything for them. The Devil offered him the boots with one exception, that he has to give up his soul. The man accepts the offer and goes on his way with the boots.

One morning a year later he looks at his boots and says, "These boots sure have worn down, I'll go talk to the Devil again." He goes up to the Devil and asks to get the boots re-souled.

The police answered a call from the local convent about a strange object circling overhead. When the officer arrived, he asked the Mother Superior what kind of object it was. "I can't say", she replied, "but sister Elizabeth says she knows exactly what it was, do you want to speak with her?"

"That's ok", said the policeman, "I'll just put it down as a nun-identified flying object."

Three people are in a lifeboat, adrift at sea. They have four cigarettes, but no matches or lighters. How can they each smoke a cigarette?

Answer: throw one cigarette overboard, which will make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Some tourists were walking through the White House. One had two children, a five year old boy named Jimmy, and a three month old girl named Linda.

The mother got tired of pushing the stroller so she said, "Jimmy, cart her around."

The janitor who overheard this said "No, but George Bush is."

The other day I was carrying a little box of small, shiny discs to sew onto my suit. As I was going through the kitchen, I dropped the box spilling its contents.

My wife was putting away dishes. She slipped on the shiny discs causing her to fall and break all of our plates.

Our dog got so scared by the clatter he ran out the door and onto the street. A car passing by almost hit my dog. At the last second it veered. This caused the driver to lose control and he hit a tree in our front yard, knocking it over onto our house.

It was a strange sequins of events.

Prince Stone had this enormous moth collection. He had large moths, small moths-moths of all kinds.

When King Stone decided to retire and pass his crown to the prince, he told the boy he must first dispose of the moth collection and find another hobby.

"Why is that, father?", inquired the prince.

"Because", replied the old man, "A ruling Stone gathers no moths!"

When a man graduated from bus driver's school, his first assignment was the Sesame Street route.

At his first stop, he picked up a cow. When she got on the bus, she said, "Hello. My name is Patty."

He replied, "Hello, Patty. Since you are the first one on, you get your choice of seats."

She waddled on back and sat down. At the next stop he picked up another cow. As she got on, she said, "Hi there. My name is Patty."

He answered, "That's unusual. The other passenger is also named Patty. Why don't you go back and sit on the other side of the aisle and talk to her. Maybe you have more in common than just your name."

She went on back and sat opposite the other Patty and struck up a conversation. At the next stop, a little boy got on and said, "Hi! My name's Leonard Keyes. I've got some special socks, See?"

The driver replied, "Those sure are special, Leonard. Have a seat and we'll get to your stop real soon. As he was driving to the next stop, he looked in his mirror and saw that Leonard had taken his socks off and draped them over the seat in front of him, and was picking his feet.

He called back, "Leonard! What are you doing?"

Leonard called back, "I've got bunions, and they're bothering me."

At the next corner, the driver stopped the bus, got off, went to a pay phone, and called the bus garage. "I quit!" he said.

The garage dispatcher asked why.

He replied, "It's my first day on the job, and already I have 2 all beef Pattys, special socks, Leonard Keyes, picking bunions on the Sesame Street Run!"

There was once a chimpanzee who was injured and taken to a rehabilitation hospital. While at the hospital he learned to eat with a fork that he called his three point tool.

He was released back to the wild and continued to eat with his three point tool, when one day it was missing. He asked all of the animals where it could be and they said to ask the jaguar.

So, the chimp asked the jaguar and the jaguar said, "Of course, I've seen it – I ate it!!"

The shocked chimpanzee asked why.

"Why?", said the jaguar, "it's because I'm a three point tool eater Jaguar."

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Alfred Lord Tennyson went to visit Darkest Africa. While on safari, he became separated from the group, and was attacked by Laurie, a lioness who was the mascot of a local village chieftan.

The cat swallowed Tennyson whole, but was stricken with a severe case of indigestion, and she threw up. The bard found himself back in the jungle, shaken but alive.

When Laurie returned to the village, she told her master what had happened.

After a while, Tennyson showed up at the village looking terrible, and seeking help. He related his horrible experience to the chieftan, who responded saying, "Oh, you must be the poet Laurie ate!"

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.

Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

A bounty hunter rode into town one morning and went into the Sheriff's office. "Anyone with a price on his head round these parts?" asked the Bounty Hunter.

"Well," said the Sheriff, "there's a $500 reward, dead or alive, for the Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?!" Exclaimed the Bounty Hunter. "Who in tarnation is the Brown Paper Kid?"

"He's a varmint who wears a hat made from brown paper," replied the Sheriff. "His coat is made from brown paper. His shirts are made from brown paper. He wears pants made from brown paper and his boots are made from brown paper."

"Well," says the Bounty Hunter, "and what's he wanted for?"

The Sheriff replied, "He's wanted for rustling".

The Soviets got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Soviet scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Krilk". The CIA was panicked! Without the Soviet dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.

Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Krilk. Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep in the Soviet Union that was processing the Krilk. The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the building, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Soviet Ambassador in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.

The message read, "You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Krilk!"

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.

One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

The same two guys walk by.

The first asks, "Do you know him?"

The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

This woman ordered an exotic snake through a mail order operation. When the package arrived, there were only feathery necklaces in the box.

Apparently, the boa cons tricked her.

This English landlady had a couple of struggling poets for tenants.

When the poor fellows got behind in their rent, and the landlady was unable to have them evicted. Instead, she decided to murder them.

She baked a large scone and put some poison in it, then invited the poets down for tea. She served each of the chaps a cup of tea and half the scone. The poison worked as advertised, but of course crime does not pay, and the awful woman was soon arrested.

Feigning innocence, she demanded to know with what she was being charged.

The police inspector replied: "Well, it seems, madam, that you have killed two bards with one scone!"

A famous merchandising tycoon told the following story at a conference:

"There was town out in the Old west that had two general stores. Harry, who owned one of them was a workaholic. He opened early, stayed in the store all day and closed late. Even so, he barely made a living.

Larry, who ran the other store, came in at nine. At ten he went out back where he kept some cattle, and made all the cows turn and face north. After lunch, Larry went out back again and made all the cows turn and face south. This practice was repeated every day

Larry's store was successful and he became wealthy."

The speaker then asked his audience if anyone could tell what principle of merchandising was illustrated by the story.

A guy in the back stood up and said, "That's easy. The point is if you want to be successful in merchandising, it is important to rotate your stock!"