Posts made by coryzinho

Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Irishman. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.

They all board the train. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Irishman. Watch and you'll see," answers a Scot.

When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/116/Three-Irishmen-And-Three-Scots-Are-On-A-Train#ptQGSeCdFpwoohFe.99

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?

Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,

"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/117/A-Young-Boy-Walks-In-A-Barber-Shop#P151AyHSBXpWu6hl.99

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/118/Fifty-Bucks-Is-Fifty-Bucks#13FhA6zD9vSr2EoM.99

A racist walks into a crowded bar. He looks around and sees a black man sat in a corner. The racist walks up to the bar, turns around and announces, "I'm going to buy everyone in this bar a free drink, except for that black guy over there!" Everybody is clapping and cheering for the racist and when he buys the last pint, the black man turns around, puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks mate!" The racist is slightly puzzled by his reaction but doesn't pay too much attention to it.

The next night, the racist goes into the same bar and again, there is a black guy sat in the corner, so the man, again, goes to the bar, turns around and says, "I'm going to buy everyone here a free drink, except for that black guy over there!" The crowd are all ecstatic and are hugging and cheering the racist for his generosity. When he buys the last pint, the black guy turns around, puts his thumb up and says, "Thanks mate!" The racist scratches his head and asks the barman, "Why is that black guy thanking me when he's the only person I'm not buying drinks for?"

"Well" the barman responds, "he owns this place."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/119/A-Man-Buys-Everyone-In-The-Bar-A-Drink-Except-For-Him#feK7T3FKQ02bMK5A.99

A father gets into a car accident and injures his wrist pretty bad. He goes to the hospital where the doctor gets him all fixed up, but before he leaves he asks the doctor:

"Hey Doc, when this heals will I be able to play the piano?"

The doctor replied, "Yes,  of course. You'll be fine in just a few weeks."

"Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/120/Dad-Goes-To-The-Hospital-With-An-Injured-Wrist#phlkZvAPLOOY04Is.99

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this –- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked and said, "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/121/An-85-Year-Old-Man-Was-Requested-By-His-Doctor-To-Have-A-Sperm-Count#HyLtl73fhSJWxGfz.99

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then, he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door!"

I said, "You're not coming in mate!"

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/122/A-Cop-Knocked-On-My-Door-This-Morning#p9C5puEBvqUaESWC.99

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom- to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancee will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancee will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/123/A-Couple-Seeks-Marriage-Advice-From-Their-Parents#L9BfJiSMSwJJB52r.99

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidential candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores around the property before they headed to a new city.

In 1860 Abraham Lincoln actually stayed with my great great great grandma. She was a pretty bossy lady and gave Lincoln a long list of chores to do as soon as she met him.

Finally when he thought he was done, my grandma said, "Last chores, Abraham. For dinner we're having stew, corn on the cob, and apple pie. I'll work on the stew, but you're going to be on the front porch shucking corn and peeling apples until there's nothing left in front of you."

And with that, she led him outside where there were two huge baskets filled to the brim with apples and corn.

Abraham started peeling and shucking. Periodically my grandma would check on him to see how much he had left to get an idea of when they'd eat. Little known fact about Abraham Lincoln, but he is very bad at shucking corn and peeling apples.

After checking on him for what felt like the tenth time, my grandma was real frustrated. She said, "Abraham, how can you be expected to lead a country if you can't even help with dinner!?"

And Abraham Lincoln replied, "Relax Mrs. Lee, I have four cores and seven ears to go."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/124/Abraham-Lincoln-Once-Stayed-With-My-Grandma-While-On-His-Campaign-Trail#5vvwm49gLkkeq62b.99

The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.

The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly...

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/127/At-First-She-Thought-He-Was-Being-Romantic-But-His-Actual-Response-Priceless#6MVl3AZuTMzBGx9z.99

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and towards the end of the program, he had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick went round to Paddy's to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/128/An-Irish-Man-Wins-Big-On-Who-Wants-To-Be-A-Millionaire-Thanks-To-A-Good-Friend#iVHxbxMBQIIMQ5Se.99

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa, 
Don't dig up that garden. That' s where the bodies are buried.
Love,  Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.  That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie.

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/130/Helping-Papa-in-the-Garden#uQPXt4WKYuiAmIGl.99

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day.

Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender.

After Jesus leaves, a duck that has been kind of harassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, the receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar.

The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing long enough to ask, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/131/A-Horse-Walks-Into-A-Bar#R6uF3oDKUKzWlq3b.99

Recently, a women was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder). This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my flower tubs.

As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the porch table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under the table and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the rubbish I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in the computer desk, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of soda I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The soda is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the window ledge catches my eye–they need water.

I put the soda on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/132/If-You-Have-These-Symptoms-You-May-Have-Age-Activated-Attention-Deficit-Disorder#BOEueGLmoL2fCqsW.99

In Church there is a family that has recently been baptized. After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,

“"Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?”"

The new convert replies, “"Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?”"

“"On anything you feel that would be beneficial to the congregation, like past experiences and such that have changed your life in a positive way.”"

So he goes home and immediately starts thinking about what he would like to speak on. One night as he is working on his talk his wife comes up to him and asks,

"“So honey, what are you going to give your talk on?”"

"“Well, after much thought, I have decided to give a talk on water skiing.”"

“"Water skiing! What? This is Church we are talking about; you can’t give a talk on water skiing. It would be indecent!”"

“"The Bishop said I can give a talk on anything I wanted to and I want to give it on water skiing!”"

Her husband is known to be a big joker so she shrugs it off not worrying about it for the time being. As Sunday comes though, she starts to get nervous and can’t take it any longer. When they arrive at the church parking lot she says to him,

“"Alright sweetheart, the jokes over. What are you really going to give your talk on?”"

"“I was being serious; I really am going to give a talk on water skiing!”"

His wife responds, “"Well, if that’s the way you are going to be, me and the kids do not want to be embarrassed by this, so we will wait out here in the car while you give your talk!”"

“"Fine, be that way!”" He replies.

So he goes into Church while his family stays in the car. As he sits down and waits for his turn to speak, he thinks it over and realizes that his wife is probably right. Talking about water skiing in Church? What was I thinking?!! So he goes to his back up plan. He gives a talk on adultery. After he gives his talk and the session ends he goes back to the parking lot to get his wife and kids and to apologize for the way he acted. But before he could say anything to them the Bishop comes up and turns to his wife and remarks,

“"Your husband gave one of the best talks in Church. I mean there wasn’'t even a dry eye in the room after he finished!”"

The wife stared at the Bishop incredulously and said,

"“You must be joking! He’s only done it twice. Once with my mother and once with my sister and couldn'’t get up either time!!”"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/133/He-Told-His-Wife-He-s-Going-To-Give-A-Speech-On-Water-Skiing-At-Church-The-Result-Is-Hilarious#21XVU0WokbsYTiCU.99

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation.

"That's a group of blind firefighters," they are told. "They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free."

The priest says, "I will say a prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them."

And the engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?"

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/134/A-Priest-A-Doctor-And-An-Engineer-Are-Playing-Golf#VsMDwZTApRByiqF3.99

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.

He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:

"Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

It turns out that the "Old King Cole" of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.

The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire fiefdom's crop of lettuce be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.

He called it, of course, Cole's Law.

An abbey was in financial difficulties, and to increase its income the brothers decide to open a fish and chips business.

One day the abbey door bell rang and one of the brothers went to welcome a customer.

When he opened the door the customer said, "Are you the fish fryer?"

The brother said, "No, I'm the chip monk."