Posts made by fancydude

Who is the most popular guy at the office? The guy who can carry a dozen doughnuts AND a pot of coffee in each hand!

How do you make a Gay decorator scream really loud twice? Fuck him real hard then wipe your dick on his curtains!

Why do they give men in the nursing home Viagra? So they won't roll out of bed in the morning!

Anyone hear about the new Gay sitcom? It's called "Leave it, it's beaver!"

What do lesbians need to get married? A liquor license.

Why are lesbians so good with hardwood flooring? Its all tongue and groove!

What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?  George Bush's Tie!

Q: Three gay men leave San Francisco on a road trip to New Orleans heading southeast at 60 miles per hour. At the same time, three lesbians leave New Orleans on a road trip to San Francisco heading northwest at 60 miles per hour. Which group will reach their destination first?

A: The gay men. … Why? Because they've already got their shit packed.

A man and woman are asleep in bed, when their house in broken into, The thief ties both spouses to a chair. He goes to rummage through their house. The husband whispers to the wife "he said he just got out of a long prison stint when he was tying me up. I don't want to get killed, so if he wants sex, do whatever he wants."

"I'm glad you feel that way, dear," says the wife "because when he was tying me up, he said you had a really cute ass!"

Raphjd - I already acknowledged that the USA had homegrown terrorists - not sure why you mentioned it again.  The point I was trying to make (and I'll happily be corrected if I'm wrong) one gets the impression that terrorism is sanctioned by prominent (Muslim)  religious leaders and if not a majority, a very large segment of the Muslim world.  The mention of the religious schools teaching hatred for anything non-Muslim says as much. I was also told by a couple people (and my Iraqi auto mechanic who is Christian, raised in the USA AND was in the Marines for two tours)…. who do a lot of global travel that many Muslims feel the West is the great Satan so lying to us doesn't mean the same thing as it does lying to a "brother."  Is this correct or not in your view?  I always got the feeling that abortion clinic bombers were isolated nutcases or very very small fringe groups.  No major Christian religion condones violence.  Being baptized as an infant or because your parents designated you Christian doesn't make you one.

And what about the polls conducted in Iraq, Iran etc?

Raphjd - you seem pretty knowledgeable - so I will pose this to you:  why do western (mostly Christian) democracies (USA, Canada, Europe, UK) allow Muslims to immigrate to their countries?  Is there some "rule" I'm unaware of that requires this?  It just seems like a formula for turmoil in things great and small.  A radio show had a program on about some College that had a lawsuit from a Muslim woman who wanted times for women only and men only in the college exercise Gym!  And there are many other things (USA)  The Muslims  like others are happy to "believe in" & use democracy for their own purposes and when they become the majority, things change (ie Turkey).  I still remember Sally whats'-her-name had to take off her make-up and wear a headscarf when traveling to the Middle East as a reporter for 60 minutes years ago.  In other words, I don't think the Muslim countries take in boatloads of Christians and let them alter the laws of the Middle Eastern country do they? (NO from what I understand) Why do we do it here? (USA/Europe etc)

I really can't understand how someone can be highly educated, born in the UK and become a terrorist, and Britain has had a few.  Yes, the USA had our own home-grown terrorists Ted Kaczynski and the guy that did Kansas City, but I think it is a leap to assume they were truly "religious" and they definitely were not working on the directives of a so called "religious" leader. If anything, they were poorly educated and crazy.  And unfortunately, things like this happen in a relatively free society where people are not closely monitored.

And it's not that I'm necessarily against Muslims coming to the USA as long as they try to assimilate, but in Dearborn, not far from where  I live they've kinda taken over. The public schools are no longer American, they have completely changed to accomodate Muslims.  The school food, the holidays etc.  Yes, I realize there is a fine line - if 3/4 of the kids ARE Muslim and they are not in school for a Muslim Holiday, then you can't very well keep it open….

So back to the topic: if what this Ground Zero Imam is what some or most Muslims believe and preach (and have the nerve to say) when they are the minority, what will they do when they have power or are the majority?  (Please note I said "IF" - I don't pretend to have any statistics on who believes what.  But I think there have been some pretty interesting polls on what Arabs living in the Middle East believe about Christians, Jews and the USA. )

Raphjd - Seems the UK is very enlightened to pay for sex workers for the elderly & disabled.  That is light years ahead of the USA although there seems the UK public has mixed feelings about it per the article.  And the article seems to say prostitution is not illegal.  Which makes me wonder why the councils would discriminate against Gays .  Especially since in this case it appears consensual and there is no risk of pregnancy.  What's the story with the lewd gestures on the bus and at the dental office?

Spin - I read everything three times and I don't see where the man is living independently  (did I miss it ?) - by definition if the council is providing a house & care, he is not living independently.  Which would indeed be amazing for a two year old level.

Part of me says we don't have all the information - which I'm sure is true. Leatherbear-  I think straight people's sexual activities are under supervision when they live in a state institution.  Wouldn't you presume a "council home" would be similar?   I know it is a troubling precedent and since the world generally is a more homophobic place than not, it is reasonable to conclude that people don't stop it when they are judges or lawyers or bus drivers for that matter.  But isn't it just as disconcerting for people to reproduce when they are completely (physically, mentally & financially)  incapable of caring for the children?  It is contradictory to say they have the "right" to reproduce, but not the accompanying responsibilities.  Guess who pays for all that extra supervision to care for said children? And is it fair to the children produced thusly?

However, back to the specifics of this case - the need for sexual outlet intimacy and companionship should not be completely ignored though and they seem to be.  This time I'll only say possibly not enough info since Gay people are commonly at the bottom of the barrel.

Thorny questions with no easy answers for sure.

Cumeater - I haven't a clue how to make a diagram to show the envelope unfolded.  Can you help here too?  Then again, I don't know if I want to make it so easy no one even attempts it and just goes for the spoiler.  Let me know what you think before we put a spoiler in here.

Noughty- You don't get mail at your house?  You could tape together an envelope from a bill, anything….

Not Quite me…it seems you are right, the forum dwellers have dwindled.  Not what I would expect for winter.  Summer yes, everyone is outside.

You know on the first page when you sign in, there is a poll there, a big rectangular blue space.  The right half is completely blank.  I asked the MGR if we could advertise the forums there, but I never got a response.

1 (4.5 ounce) can mushrooms, drained, liquid reserved
    1 green bell pepper, chopped
     1/2 cup or more sliced celery
    1 cup or more frozen peas (run under cold water to remove frost)
    1/2 cup or more chopped onion
    3 cloves minced garlic or to taste
    1/2 cup butter  (you can use just a tablespoon if you're watching calories)
    1/2 cup all-purpose flour
    1 teaspoon salt
    1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
    1 1/2 teaspoons chicken bouillon powder (omit if making tuna)
    1 1/2 cups milk
    1 1/4 cups hot water (or chicken broth or vegetable broth if using tuna)
    3 cups cooked chopped chicken pieces or  2 -3 cans drained tuna in water (use juice from canned tuna as part of water above)
    4 ounces chopped pimento  (I LOVE 1/4 of chopped salad olives (cheaper than whole) if using omit salt)

This would work for dried beef or pieces of left over roast where it is called SOS -Shit on a Shingle (use a whole piece of toast of course)

Directions

1. Cook and stir drained mushrooms, onions, celery, garlic and green pepper in butter or margarine over medium heat for 5 minutes.
  2. In separate pan, make white sauce blending flour, salt, and pepper.  Stir in instant bouillon, milk, water, and reserved mushroom liquid. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir for 1 minute.
  3. Stir in chicken and pimiento and peas, and sauteed vegetables.  Heat through.

I never did it, but I suppose 1/2 cup of sour cream stirred in at the last would be an interesting option.

Serve over biscuits, (cut in half), toast cut in cubes, rice or noodles.

***note - if white sauce is not as thick as you like, in a small bowl, take some water and flour (like maybe 1/2 cup and 4 Tbsp flour), mix extremely well with a fork.  With one hand pouring from the bowl, gradually drizzle into your boiling white sauce, while stirring the white sauce fairly vigorously with the other until thickness desired is obtained.  My grandmother did this all the time with flour/water or cornstarch and water.  She never measured to make a sauce, just did the drizzle until whatever was in the pot was "thick enough."

Thanks very much Cumeater…..

Funny thing, everyone who sees this always gets the joke.  No exceptions!  ha ha!

I was trying to search for a photo or diagram on the net.  The search results were bizarre.  You wouldn't believe how much sexual fiction there was about priests and nuns......and weird stuff too.   I learned this, believe it or not, a long time ago from one of the teachers and my Grandmother's private school.   Too bad it was a she.  Oh well, and happily married too.  But she worked for a doctor part time and taught part time and this doctor had either horrible jokes or great jokes.  Nothing in between.  That is where she got this. One of his horrible jokes?

How can you tell if a urology nurse has sensitive skin?  Give her a test-tickle. (testicle)

Now, I always said you could put me in a rubber room for 10 years and I wouldn't come up with something this clever, (neither would most of the rest of us I assume) it makes you wonder how people do it.

Please note:  This is not nearly as complicated as the directions make it seem.  Just start to do it and you'll get it.

You will need a long business envelope and a pair of scissors.  Seal the envelope and draw a stamp about 1/2 inch from the right edge of the envelope where a stamp would go, draw some cancellation lines.  Draw squiggles where the address would go and the return address in the upper left corner.  You will be making four cuts, three of them starting from the bottom edge of the envelope.   The envelope is in front of you, as if you were reading it.  The first cut is 1/8th from the right edge, cut the strip all the way off, to open the envelope.  The second cut is about an inch or so from the right edge, cut most of the way, but not cutting of the stamp.  The third cut is on the left side edge, leave about an inch margin and not cutting all the way.  The fourth cut is cutting open the bottom edge of the envelope between the two vertical cuts.  Or if it easier to understand, just cut the fold, but only between cuts two & three, the vertical cuts.

So here is the dialogue as you demonstrate this to the people you're telling the joke to:

Sr. Mary Margaret got a letter at the convent, and she did like a lot of people do, cut off the end of the envelope.  (Make cut #1, cut off 1/8" of the entire right side of the envelope).

She couldn't get the letter out (make motion like you can't get the imaginary paper out)  so she thought if she cut a bit more, she could get a better grip on the letter, but she didn't want to cut off the stamp, since she saved stamps so she stopped  (make cut #2, cutting to the left, about 1 inch. stopping before you cut all the way).

Then she thought she could get at the letter from the other end (Make cut #3 about an inch from the left side but stop before you cut all the way, leave about 1 1/2 inches, like you did for the side with the stamp on it) but she didn't want to cut off the return address.

Now she is really wondering who the letter is from but she still hasn't gotten the letter out of the envelope so she decides to cut the bottom edge  (Make cut #4, the bottom BETWEEN the two vertical cuts)

Hold the envelope by the two large "flaps" that you have just made by cutting the bottom edge (so the left edge of the envelope is now towards the table and the stamp end is towards your ceiling.  (Open it up like you were opening a book to read) and you should see why Sr. Mary Margaret knows the letter came from Father Smith.  And say aloud " Father Smith.!"

If I get a lot of queries that people cannot figure out how to do this, I may have to give it away but I want people to get the chuckle out of just doing the joke without giving it away here.  Let me know if you figure this out.

After working with the public for 30 plus years, I would say all of those are totally believable except the " is there McDonald's on board - that person had to be a little crazy."

Now my favorite was the telephone call I got at around 11 am asking if I had received a document that was mailed to me.  I couldn't find it at my desk or anywhere in the office, the clerk hadn't seen it.  I returned to the phone and asked the client when it was mailed, she said "I dropped in the mailbox at the end of my street at 8:30 this morning."  Sheesh.

Some people are beyond anything and are incredibly nervy/obnoxious.  An older friend of mine, we'll call her Betsy went to a younger friend, Stella's house for a dinner party.  Betsy asked Stella for a recipe for a dish she liked. Stella said "Oh, I never share my recipes"  Betsy responded with fury  "I practically taught you how to cook, shared my father's recipes with you (he's a professional chef) and now you won't share ONE recipe with me?"

The above is a true story!  Needless to say, Betsy & Stella are no longer friends…..

A young man was home on leave from Paratrooper school and he was telling his father about the meals, lights out etc.  The father said "no, no!  Tell me about the first time you were up in the plane."  The young man says "Well there were about 25 of us who passed all the written tests and we're up in the plane, 40,000 feet in the air with our cords clipped to the wire; and there is this giant Black drill seargent yelling at each guy by the door to "jump!"  I was the youngest, so I went last. I stood in front of the door looking out at the clouds, and the ground way below.  He yelled jump and I hesitated.  He said that if I didn't jump, I'd have 12 inches of thick Black cock up my ass."  The father's eyes widened and asked "Well, did you jump?"  The young man said "A little….. at first."

NQM - I'm glad you shared it.  It is different enough to be funny!  Thanks!

A traveling salesman for the farm cooperative had hit some pretty lean times.  He visited all but a few farms on his route and hadn't sold a thing.  Farmer Jones mentioned that the flies were biting his cows pretty bad this summer and salesman said he had just the thing, a brand new insect repellent from France.  Farmer Jones was interested but he had to know for sure if it worked.  The salesman said he could prove that it did. So he came back that evening, and stripped naked.  He told Farmer Jones to tie him to a chair in his pasture, and spray him down with the repellant.  The next morning, Farmer Jones went out to check on the salesman.  His eyes were bloodshot, He was limp, covered in sweat, head hanging down, arms hanging lifeless, in short he was exhausted but not a bug bite on him.  Farmer Jones asked "what happened?"  The salesman looked up and said "Doesn't that damn calf over there have a mother?"

Three buddies,  Brett. Dominick and Kasper go out and get pretty lit.  After the bars close, they still want to have some fun but find themselves a bit short on cash since they bought so many drinks.  Dominick says I know a cathouse that doesn't charge too much.  So the three go there.  Kasper goes into the hooker's room and after 10 minutes or so and the guys can't wait to find out what happen. Kasper says "well, I told her I only had five bucks, so she covered my cock with whipped cream and licked it off!"  The guys are intrigued, so Brett goes in next and he comes out and says "I told the girl I only had $10 so she covered my cock in whipped cream & chocolate syrup and licked it off."  The other two guys smile with enthusiasm.  Kasper goes last and comes out and says "I told the girl I had only $15 and she put whipped cream, chocolate syrup, grated almonds and pineapple on my cock.  It looked so good, I ate it myself!"

Bob was dating Dave, who was quite old fashioned.  Bob wined him and dined him and Dave just kept resisting getting in the sack.  One romantic evening, Dave finally relented and agreed to Greek sex, on one condition.  Bob had to be careful because Dave had a weak heart.  Ever so proud of his long tool, Bob sweetly replied "Don't worry darling, I promise I won't put in in that far."

Actually, I'm glad he did what he did. You were being too nice.  If he was stupid enough to drive off with his bumper attached to your car, knowing that leaving the scene of an accident is a criminal offense (that is the USA term) then no telling what else he might do.  If nothing else 15,000 plus lawyer fees will get him off the road OR at least give him a LOT to think about.  Which either of is a good thing.

Sometimes people need to get hit hard.  Factories, for example used to look the other way about drinking on the job, but when they threatened people with losing their job or going to couseling, most people straightened up.  Good for the health of the employee, good for the company, surely good for some co-workers the problem employee may have endangered.