A Penguin Walks Into…
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
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A pirate walks into a bar with an eyepatch, pegleg, and hook for a hand. The bartender notices his leg, "How did you get that pegleg?"
The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a shark aboard. The shark bit my leg off!"
"Wow," replies the bartender. "What about that hand?"
The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a killer whale aboard. The whale bit my leg off!"
"Oh," replies the bartender. "How about the eye?"
The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a seagull came outta nowhere and pooped in my eye."
"And that blinded you?" asked the bartender.
"No, it twas my first day with the hook."
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A man walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. The bartender tells him they will go flat while he drinks but the man explains to him, "I have two brothers. When we all left home we decided every night we will all go to the bar and have a drink for each of us."
This man becomes a regular and orders three beers every night. But a few months later he comes in silently and orders only two. The bar falls silent. The bartender approaches him and says, "I don't mean to intrude, but I'm sorry for your loss."
The man looks puzzled at first then laughs, "Oh no! My doctor said I had to quit drinking."
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A man walks into a bar with his dog but the bartender says "You can't bring your dog into here!"
The man replies "but this is no ordinary dog. You see, this dog can talk. I'll prove it to you. What covers trees?"
The dog replies "Bark!"
He asks "What's on top of a house?"
The dog answers "Roof!"
Finally the man asks "Who's your favorite baseball player?"
The dog says "Ruth!" The bartender immediately throws them both out.
The man says "What was that guy's problem?"
The dog answers "Maybe he's not a fan of the Yankees."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra …
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A blind man walks into a bar and sits for a while with nobody talking to him. He says "Anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender tells him "Before you tell it I just want to let you know there is a cage fighting blonde on one side of you and a large blonde softball player on the other side. I'm also a blonde and I can bench 300 pounds. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Obviously not! I don't have time to explain the joke 3 times."