Posts made by coryzinho

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit." (Bill Maher

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson – and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)

In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)

I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller)

Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." (Woody Allen)

Two old actors are sitting on a bench. One says: "How long has it been since you had a job?" The other actor says "Thirty two years – how about you?" The first actor says, "That's nothing. I haven't had a job in forty years!" The other says, "One of these days we've got to get out of this business!"

Last year, I deducted 10,697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand." (Dick Gregory)

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)

I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)

I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)

We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)

Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they'd say "Thank you." That graduated into "Have a nice day." That’s now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, "Don’t put off that mammogram." (Rita Rudner)

A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had." The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman)

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"