Posts made by coryzinho

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"

I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." (George Miller)

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)

At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I’m thinking!"

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis)

Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)