Posts made by coryzinho

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)

Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga." The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga." He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)

At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. (David Letterman)

I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire…what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)

The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)