Posts made by coryzinho

A mathematician, an engineer and a physicist are all in a hotel. In the middle of the night, a fire breaks out on their floor. The fire spreads to each of their rooms.
The engineer wakes up and sees the fire. He rushes to the tub, repeatedly fills his ice tub with water and throws it everywhere until he manages to get the fire out in his room. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.
The physicist wakes up as well and sees the fire. He grabs a pad of paper, quickly scribbles out some equations, fills a cup with water and dumps it on just the right spot to put out the fire. Satisfied, he goes back to bed.
The mathematician wakes and sees the fire. He grabs a pad of paper, quickly scribbles out some equations and yells out "Aha! A solution exists." Satisfied, he goes back to bed.

A South African guy, Australian guy, old granny and beautiful young lass find themselves sharing a train cabin while travelling through Switzerland. While the train is passing through one of the many tunnels the lights suddenly go out in the cabin. A loud slap is heard in the darkness. When they emerge back into daylight, the Aussie is nursing a red cheek. No-one speaks. The granny thinks to herself: Hmmm, he must have tried to feel up the girl in the dark but she sorted him out good! The girl thinks: Strange: He must have tried to feel me up in the dark but got the granny instead - and she sure sorted him out good and proper! The Aussie thinks: Damn! The South African bloke must have felt up the girl in the dark but she thought it was ME and slapped the wrong guy!! The South African thinks: Heh heh! Can't wait for another tunnel to give that Aussie another klap!

Polar bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "Hey man, can I get a gin and …........... tonic?"
"Sure, but what's with the pause?"
Kinda angry, and a little offended, "They help me walk in the snow, alright?!"

A penguin's car starts to smoke and rattle and he barely makes it to the driveway of a local mechanic. The mechanic pops the hood and says "Come back in about 30 minutes, I will see what I can tell you."
It's a hot day, and the penguin, being a penguin decides to get some ice-cream. Since he has wings and not hands, it is a messy affair. Ice cream gets all over the penguin's face.
After half an hour the penguin returns to the mechanic who says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin responds: "Nah, its only ice-cream."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw … you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,
"Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied.
"He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know s**t about shark fishing".
"Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

Three men from the same city reach Heaven's Pearly Gates at the same time. Peter is astonished, as this has never happened before. He says, "I will remember this always! You MUST tell me how you each died!"
The first man says, "Well, I have a heart condition and have been suspecting my wife of cheating. I come home early from work one day to find her naked in the apartment. I rush all over to find the scum she's sleeping with and find him dangling off the edge of our balcony. I stomp on his fingers and he lets go, falling twenty stories. He land in some bushes, so I grab the fridge and throw it down on him, crushing him. All the stress was too much for my heart, so I died."
The second man says, "I was cleaning windows on an apartment building when I slip and fall off my scaffold. Luckily, I grab onto a balcony, but some crazy guy stomps on my fingers. I let go and fall twenty stories, but safely land in a bush. I look up, and there's a fridge falling on me!"
"Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's amazing!" He turns to the third man and asks, "So, how did you die?"
The third man says, "Well, I'm naked in a refrigerator…"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
"You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Today's class is sex education. Teacher draws a picture of a penis on the blackboard. She asks, "Ok. class. Can anyone tell me what this is?" Of course Dirty Johnny is the only student to raise his hand.
"Anyone?" Teacher asks hopefully, not wanting to pick Johnny. After a few moments when no one else raises their hand she sighs and says, "Ok, Johnny, but please keep it clean!"
"That's a penis!" says Johnny.
"That's right," says Teacher, surprised at Johnny's simple answer. Then he adds, "I know because my Daddy has two of them."
"Oh, no," says Teacher. "That's not possible. He only has one."
"No," says Johnny. "He has a little one for going pee pee and a big one for brushing the babysitter's teeth!"

A rancher hired an architect, an engineer, and a mathematician to design the largest animal pen possible using only a limited number of fence segments.
The architect arranged all the fence pieces in a perfect square. "Making all sides equal in length maximizes the space," he explained to the farmer, who looked on with interest.
Next, the engineer took the fence pieces and arranged them in a large circle. "Eliminating sides and making the pen round produces a shape with even greater area than a square," he told the farmer, who was even more impressed.
Finally, the mathematician took only three fence pieces and arranged them in a triangle with himself in the middle. "I am outside the pen," he declared.

A woman stays out all night and the next day tells her husband she stayed over a friend's house. Her husband calls around to ten of her friends and they know nothing about it.
A man stays out all night and the next day tells his wife he stayed over a friend's house. She calls ten of his friends, eight confirm that he slept over, two claim that he's still there.

A man gets home from work and sees his girlfriend standing in the doorway, suitcases in hand, about to leave him.
She's furious and says to him, "I found out you're a pedophile!"
The man says, "that's a pretty big word for a 7 year old."

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well… the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

After putting down three beers in 15 minutes, a customer tells the bartender he can stand at one end of the bar and pee into a glass set up at the other end of the bar without getting pee anywhere except in the glass. He is so sure he can do this that he bets the bartender $100 that he can do it. The bartender, sensing easy money, accepts the bet, of course. The guy stands at one end of the bar and lets go; pee flies EVERYWHERE, the entire bar is soaked. The bartender is laughing uncontrollably, happy to have made an easy $100. Strangely, the customer is also laughing. The bartender says "you stupid drunken fool! You just lost $100; what are you laughing about?". The customer replies "I just bet that guy over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar and all you would do was laugh!".

A nun was riding in a taxi cab one night, and noticed the driver kept darting nervous glances into the passenger compartment. Finally he plucked up his courage and said, "Sister, I’d like to ask you a question, but I don’t know how to say it without offending you."
"I assure you, my son," said the nun. "I’ve heard just about everything. There’s nothing you can ask that would offend me."
"It’s that black habit, I guess," said the driver, blushing. "I’ve always fantasized about getting a blowjob from a nun."
To his surprise, the nun solemnly thought over his request. "Are you single?"
"Yes."
"Are you Catholic?"
"Yes!"
"Then if it means that much to you," said the nun, "I don’t see what harm it would do."
The driver eagerly pulled over to the curb. To his utter astonishment, the nun unzipped his pants and gave him the best blowjob he had ever had in his life. He was so stunned, he didn’t say a word as he put the taxi in gear and drove on.
"Sister," he said at last. "I have a terrible confession to make. You see, I’m not really single, and I’m not really Catholic."
"Think nothing of it, my son," said the nun. "My name is Kevin, and I’m on my way to a costume party."

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

So, a priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out golfing. They find themselves behind a terribly slow foursome, so they complain to the nearest course ranger. The ranger says, "Ah, well you see those four men are firemen who saved our clubhouse last year when it was burning down. Unfortunately they all lost their sight in the process so we let them play here for free whenever they want and try not to bother them."
"Oh, that's terrible," says the Priest. "I'll say a prayer for them at my church next Sunday"
"You know," says the doctor "a friend of mine is an optometrist. I'll see if he can do anything to help them."
The engineer says, "Couldn't they just play at night??"

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."