Infatuated with a straight/bi guy. Mixed signals. What to do?
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Context:
I've hooked up with this straight guy several times (both of us early thirties, I've been gay since my teens). He contacted me on this dating app but he's really unsure of where he stands.
Last time we were supposed to meet, he told me he wanted us to stop seeing each other because he was freaking out. Turns out he started seeing a girl and really doesn't know where he stands. However 4 hours after telling me that, he invited me over and we hooked up.
The sex is great and just being with him is amazing. Additionally, he admitted that there was something special.
YSK, he still refuses to give me his phone number and he freaked when after he had invited me over and made me wait 5 hours before canceling on me I dropped in unannounced (I was drunk and wanted to tell him off - though, he still let me in and we had sex).
He's gone for two weeks visiting his parents. He promised we would see each other when he got back.
I yearn for him. I would just like to talk to him (I can still contact him through the dating app). Deep down I know he would enjoy it too. But I'm afraid I might freak him out even more.
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It seems to me that he wants to be st8 but he cannot ignore his natural urges for men. Sooner or later he may come in terms with his sexuality but that should not be your concern at this momnet.
I had a similar experience which did not end well. If you can stay in the safe zone of sexual encounters then it is ok but if you have feelings it is better to take your distance from him. This guy will never accept you as a central part in his life, he does not respect you and he refuses to give you his phone number. You will only be a fringe part of his life and he will come to you only when he will want sex with men.
There are many men out there who would be more open and available for you, don't be disapointed.
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@nikolaos84 said in Infatuated with a straight/bi guy. Mixed signals. What to do?:
It seems to me that he wants to be st8 but he cannot ignore his natural urges for men. Sooner or later he may come in terms with his sexuality but that should not be your concern at this momnet.
I had a similar experience which did not end well. If you can stay in the safe zone of sexual encounters then it is ok but if you have feelings it is better to take your distance from him. This guy will never accept you as a central part in his life, he does not respect you and he refuses to give you his phone number. You will only be a fringe part of his life and he will come to you only when he will want sex with men.
There are many men out there who would be more open and available for you, don't be disapointed.
I agree - only partially - with @nikolaos84...
First, I agree that if you continue to force yourself and your feelings onto him, you're almost certain to lose him (not to mention drive him deeper into his "closet"...
It's never easy - for any of us! - to come to terms with the fact that we're not wired the way "society" says we're supposed to be wired! For some, "bucking the norm" is easy, and for others it's nearly impossibly hard.
That said, I wouldn't write him off completely: you never know when he'll wake up and realize that dick/ass makes him harder than pussy! When he does, you may or may-not be there to reap the rewards. It may be next week, next month, or in 40 years (yes, when he's in his 70's! I've seen that happen!)
If you can step back, accept him for who & what he is: a hot fuck who is unsure of his sexuality. Enjoy the sex, maybe let it also blossom into a friendship, but do not try to turn it into a relationship, nor try to make yours some kind of monogamous thing.... instead, try to help him explore his sexuality... try new things with him (clothing/costumes, light bondage, whatever.. let HIM suggest things... but let him know "it's just sex play"... nothing "serious"...
Of course, if we could turn our emotions on and off, life would be soooooo much simpler... it's entirely possible that that kind of relationship with him is just impossible for you... in which case, you can leave him or drive him away... if you continue to pursue him too aggressively, surely one of those 2 options will come to fruition!
Good luck! I hope you have some great sex and he eventually figures out how queer he is - and accepts it (and appreciates you for being patient with him)!!
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Walk away, people who don't know what they want usually end up hurting others.
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@willelmus Honestly think you might be better off just leaving it alone. It will only end in heartbreak.
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I agree with the others about quitting. I know it may sound ugly, but many guys over thirty who go through that situation hardly ever come out of the closet. Most of them already have the ideal of man and family imposed as their greatest desire, so declaring themselves homosexual no longer seems like an option, not because they will not be happy, but because they will lose all their family and friends who, until then, they can suspect and joke about it about it, but it's all guesswork. His circle will stop talking to him when he tells them the truth and that terrifies them, because they don't know if risking everything for one person is worth it, because sometimes love is not enough. Imagine that in the future his “straight guy” hang-ups get you into trouble and you end up leaving him, then he'll end up worse off and blame you for ruining his life. My advice is to stay away. If he loves you, the distance should make it clear to him what he wants and he will come back to look for you, although I recommend waiting for him to come out of the closet on his own initiative, otherwise it won't work.
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@Willelmus : Since the original post is now 9 months old, I assume that the situation has been resolved. I'm still going to add my two cents, though.
Run away. Now. Do not wait even one minute longer. There is no future in the scenario you describe. More important: you deserve better. You deserve respect; you deserve concern for your own feelings and well-being; you deserve kindness, friendship, trust, and love. You will not find any of that in a situation like this, not with someone like that.
Right now, you're not much more than a living Fleshjack to him, a sex toy he pulls out when he needs it and then shoves back in the drawer when he's done. The fact that he won't even give you his telephone number is a huge red flag, as is the freaking out when you assert yourself.
If both of you just want the sex and nothing else, then I can see this working, with both of you just using the other for sexual gratification and then moving on with your respective lives. But that's pretty clearly not the situation here. And it's pretty damn rare, in general, as feelings almost always get involved on one side or the other.
So lay it on the line: if he wants to keep having sex with you, it has to be on your terms (within reason). And if he doesn't like those terms (and you already know he won't), you cut your losses and move on, and find someone better. And if I'm wrong and he really is willing to negotiate and compromise, this is a great way to find out and to improve the communication between you, leading to a healthier relationship.
Three adages that I've found invaluable when it comes to relationships, whether friendship, fuck buddy, or something more:
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Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option. [Attributed to multiple sources.]
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When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. [Maya Angelou]
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As I get older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do. [Andrew Carnegie]
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To the folks saying: "Just get out - run away - give up all hope"...
You're thinking with your logical mind and the original poster is clearly thinking with his heart.
I've had only a handful of times in my life when my logical mind and my heart were at serious odds... I have to say that, while I lost out financially when I went with my heart, I was overall much happier.
ALL relationships are risky - you're entrusting another with your "heart and soul", and they may (honestly, usually do) wind up showing themselves unworthy of that trust... but it's the journey that makes life (and love) worth living - not JUST the destination!
That said: like ALL risks, its about your "risk tolerance" - how far are you willing to go?
When I was in my 20's, a co-worker was "outed" by a jilted lover... this was the 1990's, and we worked in a high security government location - and the result was, he lost his security clearance (and his job) over the incident.
10 years later, he was still working in his field, was very successful, and had a long-time lover - whom he lived with in a very "out" manner. However, that lover was NOT the one who outed him, and at least until I lost touch with him several years ago, he still despised the guy that did that to him... even while admitting it was likely the only way he'd have ever come out!
My point is: it's complicated... it's always complicated! And no 2 situations are exactly alike.
As I noted above - I've been lucky in that my heart and my "logical brain" have usually been able to come to a consensus... and when they haven't, it's been chaos (no matter which one "wins", or for how long)... I wish I could tell you there was some logic, or planning, or conscious decision-making involved in my own "figuring out" what to do when they were so diametrically opposed... but I can't... sometimes my heart wins, sometimes my brain wins... that is the human experience!
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@bi4smooth said in Infatuated with a straight/bi guy. Mixed signals. What to do?:
You're thinking with your logical mind and the original poster is clearly thinking with his heart.
That is precisely why we are giving the advice that we are. The signs are all there, the red flags clear and unmistakable. It is because the the original poster is thinking with his heart that he is not able to step back and see those signs. And because he is thinking with his heart, the potential for damage is significantly higher.
The person he is seeing has already clearly demonstrated that he is not worthy of trust. Hence, our advice to cut his losses, move on, and look for someone better.
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@NF16 said in Infatuated with a straight/bi guy. Mixed signals. What to do?:
@bi4smooth said in Infatuated with a straight/bi guy. Mixed signals. What to do?:
You're thinking with your logical mind and the original poster is clearly thinking with his heart.
That is precisely why we are giving the advice that we are. The signs are all there, the red flags clear and unmistakable. It is because the the original poster is thinking with his heart that he is not able to step back and see those signs. And because he is thinking with his heart, the potential for damage is significantly higher.
The person he is seeing has already clearly demonstrated that he is not worthy of trust. Hence, our advice to cut his losses, move on, and look for someone better.
As a disinterested, outside party this is all clear to you. But, I submit that you are not able to "put yourself in his shoes"... you make it sound like an "easy, logical decision"
My point is that, looking at the way the original post was written, @Willelmus is (well, let's hope was) at one of those chaotic points in his life - where his head is saying one thing (like: RUN AWAY!!!) but his heart is saying another (like: STAY!! Make it work! He's worth it!!!)
If @Willelmus could think in the detached, logical sense you propose, he wouldn't have written the post to begin with! IMHO, he's conflicted... and if he chooses "badly" he may regret it for a long time.
Just playing Devil's Advocate here:
- What if he forces the guy to admit he's queer and into him, he accepts all of this, and they live happily ever after? (likelihood? less than 1% IMHO, but possible!)
- What if he walks away and 2 years later he's invited to they guy's gay wedding - because the NEXT guy convinced him he really was queer - and he missed out? (likelihood? also less than 1% IMHO, but also possible!)
- <Insert 100 other possible outcomes>
When your brain and your heart want different things, these kinds of "what if's" go back and forth in your head... you imagine the best - and the worst - of each possible outcome... and the result is often "frozen" rumination...
I tried to use some of my own experiences to illustrate that neither "side" (heart or head) is going to always be right! And neither is going to always be wrong. But I also acknowledge that it's an emotionally painful place to be... and it is certainly not "cut and dried"!
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I would argue that it is, in fact, very much cut and dried. He's clearly not happy with the way things are, which means that something needs to change. And that change needs to start with him.
Accepting the status quo is not a good option, as it leaves him miserable and it damages his self-esteem. And it leaves him in a place where he is getting neither the respect nor the trust that he deserves. There is also an opportunity cost of waiting, potentially for years, for something to happen when he could instead be out there finding someone who will give him the kind of relationship that he wants and needs. Shutting yourself away for weeks, months, or even years, waiting for someone else to change? No. Just no.
If not running away, then at the very least there needs to be a frank and open conversation about the relationship and its future, along with setting some new boundaries. That's not "forcing your feelings onto him:" it's being honest, standing up for yourself, and insisting on the respect that we all deserve.
There is only one bad choice here: doing nothing.
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It's worth pointing out that this is a universal issue that is encountered by gay, bi, straight, men and women, young and old ... pretty much everyone. I would venture a guess that everyone here has had the experience of having a crush on someone unobtainable. And many of us have had the experience, or know someone who has, of having a crush on someone who is a player.
The original post could just as easily have been from a straight guy's mistress, someone complaining that her lover keeps telling her about how bad his marriage is and how he's going to leave his wife any day now, but somehow never does. Would you give her the advice to wait? Would you encourage her to keep having sex with him? To try new things to entice him? To let him know "It's just sex play?"
Personally, I would give that mythical mistress the same advice I'm giving here: have it out with him and if you don't like the answers you're getting, be prepared to move on. Life's too short to waste your time with assholes and players.
This is a situation as old as the hills, a pattern that has been played out over and over again over the centuries. And the outcome is almost always the same.
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From what you're describing, you have two options: 1; Move on. 2; If you maintain a relationship with him it's going to have to be on when it suits him and not when it suits you. This way, things will move very slowly and that might include him getting married to "her" and you watching from the sidelines as he fucks the whole thing up (ideally for you), and you can be there if he needs you. You can however end up alone if option 2 leads him to become happily married for at least 10 years. Our self-respect tends to get the better of us and somewhere between options 1 and 2 you find a sort of blending. My approach with my sr8 mates in my 20's was to hook up and leave them as they are. Most are happily married as I am, but one is probably going to meet up with me in the next 15 years. My dance card is going to be so full in my 60's
Good luck with yours. -
@Willelmus Hey can you give us an update on this? Hope everything is ok
