Posts made by nhalizegt

Q: What aren't blondes sexually active?

A: Because they just lie there.

Q: What do you get when you have 50 lesbians and 50 congressmen in one place?

A: A roomful of people who don't do dick.

A young woman goes to church and confesses her sins to the priest.

"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it."

"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?"

"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"

This lady walks into her boss's office one day and says, "Sir, I'd like to file a sexual harassment complaint."
Her boss says, "Well what's your complaint?"
She says, "My co-worker Joe said my hair smelled nice."
The boss says, "That's really not sexual harassment."
The lady counters, "But, Joe's a midget!"

A woman was at work when a man said, "Your hair smells nice."
    She went straight to her boss and said, "I've been sexually harrassed. A man said my hair smells nice."
    He in return said, "What's wrong with that, it does?"
    She said, "The man who said that was a midget."

Q: Why do some blondes only think about sex?
A: They're dirty blondes.

Fred, Bob and Mike visit a whorehouse.

Fred comes out of the first bedroom and says, "She put a powdered donut on my d**k."

Bob comes out of the second bedroom and says, "She put a glazed donut on my d**k."

Mike comes out of the third bedroom, holding two dollars. Fred and Bob ask, "Did she donut you?"

"No" says Mike, "she told me to go and buy a box of Cheerios."

Q: What is the square root of 69?

A: Eight something.

A concerned girl asked the priest, "Father, is it a sin to have sex before receiving communion?
He replied, "Only if you block the aisle."

Q. How do rednecks have safe sex?
A. They mark the sheep that kick!

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

SEX CONTRACT
I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled. I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria from myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger. I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral, tone. I will also upon completion of heretofore listed activities not leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document. I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity.
Signed,

Fornicator At Large

What's the difference between a person trying to lose weight and a virgin?

One is trying to diet and the other is dying to try it.

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ''You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.''
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, ''I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.''
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, ''How could sandals make you into a sex freak?''
The Pakistani man replied, ''Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?''
After much badgering from his wife, the husband finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years, her husband was full of raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, ''YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!''

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ”
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.”
“Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.”

A teacher was telling her students about human anatomy in a sex education class. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of a male and a female.
"The female has two breasts and one vagina. The male has one penis."
A little boy in the front row jumped up and said that the teacher was wrong.
"My daddy has two penises. He has a short one that he pees with and a long one that he brushes Mommy's teeth with!"

Q: Why was the blonde afraid to have phone sex?

A: Because the condom wouldn't fit over the phone.

Q: Why don't rabbits make noise when they have sex?
A: They have cotton balls.

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?

Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Q: How did the blonde prepare for safe sex?

A: She installed a padded headboard.