Posts made by nhalizegt

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.''
The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?''
''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

How are a blonde's legs like automatic doors?
You walk toward them and they open!

On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery – we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.
''Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.''
''Don't worry about it,'' Jake said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?''

Q: What did Luke Skywalker say to his girlfriend?

A: This is Red 5, I'm going in.

A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one.
After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warjavascript:void(0);m.
"But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.
"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."

Q: What do you call a professional fisherman?
A: A master baiter.

What do you call a horny skeleton?

A boner!

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"My first blow job," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Did you hear about the guy who screwed his sister-in-law?

He had it in for his brother.

Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
F**k her.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.

Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket?

A: One – because men will screw anything.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: Beat it. We're closed.

How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It ain't hard…

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''
''No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!''

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, "I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table."
The old woman said, "Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds."
The old man said, "Well, what do you say..wanna get naked?" So they both stripped.
The old woman said, "You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." a
The old man replied, "I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."

The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she was missing three boys and one girl.
After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He said, "Shree Hill."
Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He also said, "Shree Hill."
Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been. And he said, "On top of Shree Hill."
Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?"
And she said, "Shree Hill."

A man and his wife shower together. The husband puts his hand on her breast and says, "These are nice, but if they were a bit firmer you could walk around without a bra for me."

Then the husband pats her butt and says, "This is nice, but if it was a bit firmer, you could walk around without panties for me."

The wife turns around to her husband, grabs his groin and says, "This is nice, but if it was a little bigger, I wouldn't need your brother."