Posts made by nhalizegt

Q: What does sex have in common with a savings account?
A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

A young married couple maintains a strict sexual schedule. Every day, the husband and wife get home from work at 5 p.m. and have sex at 5:15 p.m.

One day, the wife comes down with the flu and goes on antibiotics. The medicine kills all the germs, except for three, who huddle together inside her body to talk over survival tactics.

One germ decides to hide from the antibiotics between two toes on her left foot. The second germ decides to hide behind her right ear.

The last germ says, "You guys do what you want, but when the 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it."

What kind of math don't they teach in school?
How to add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!

:-[Sex is like air. It's not important unless you're not getting any!

How do you know that an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean

Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex?

A: When his wife's out of town.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES – $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

Practice safe sex, fellas, whatever what you do. I'm gonna go a step beyond that – practice good sex. Women will appreciate that. Practice good sex. You know it's some unsafe sex if you don't do a good job and you try to go to sleep. Women'll be like, 'If there's a way I could kill this fool. I have not been pleased. Where's my knife at?'

Why did the redneck school stop teaching sex ed?
They needed the car for driver's ed.

Q. How is sex like bridge?
A.If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!

The seven dwarves were on a bus, they started to feel Sleepy so he got off.

The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.
So Happy got up and left.

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

What's red with seven dents in it?
Snow White's cherry.

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

What is the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.

A young man got a new job running the register at a store. The old store owner said he would teach him how to up-sell.

"Watch how I do it," he said to the new hire.

As a customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter, the old-timer said to him, "When you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing, you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut the grass."

"You know," said the man, "I do need a new mower. Sure, I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one."

A customer stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman said, "You know, you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?"

"It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass."

Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy asks, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."

A lady asks, "What's that?"

He says, "Double Income, No Kids."

The lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry asks, "A WIFE?"

Gertrude says, "Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery store feeling lonely and horny. In the check out stand she noticed a young bagger and thought she might approach him. When he asked if he could take her groceries to her car she excitedly said, "Yes."
As they headed to the door she touched his arm and said, "I have an itchy py." The young man smiled and kept walking. Feeling he maybe he didn't understand when they reached the door she said again, "I have an itchy py!"
The young man smiled and started to look around the parking lot, so she tried one more time, "I have an itchy p***y!"
The young man turned and replied, "Lady you're going to have to point it out because all those import cars look alike to me!"