Posts made by nhalizegt

Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.

He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."

Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"

He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.

The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.

She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.

She got married again and that husband failed in bed.

Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."

The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs.

"Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says.

"Tell me a little about you."

"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies.

"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks.

He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

What do blondes and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?'
They both swallow semen…ps im a blonde

What's the difference between a blonde and a hole in the mattress?
I still can't find the difference.

Q: What's the difference between a politician and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws; politicians screw interns.

It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobbytells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes," he replies. "Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

How do you make a woman yell twice?
Hump her butt then wipe your wiener on her curtains!

Q: How do you get your wife to scream and groan while you're having sex?
A: Let her catch you doing it.

One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town. The woman says to the man, ''You want to hold my hand, don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they held hands.

A little down the road the woman says to the man, ''You want to kiss me don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they kissed and kept walking.

A little later the woman askes the man, ''You want to screw me don't you?'' The man says, ''How did you know? By the gleam in my eye?'' The woman says, ''No, by the tilt in your kilt.''

My job used to be to watch adult films and tell people what they're about. People would come in and go, 'What's "Romancing the Bone" about?' It's about 90 minutes too long. That's what it's about.

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It's a balmy spring day, and he's wearing a kilt.
A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.
"No, lassie," he replies. "Everything is in fine working order."

A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife had an idea.
"I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say we don't have enough money even for knickers!"
Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the English wife's husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When the Irish wife's husband noticed, he gave her his credit card. The next day, they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the English wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the Scottish wife was still in rags. The other two demanded to know what had happened.
"Well," said the Scottish wife. "As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I wasn't wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave 40p to get a comb!"

A travelling salesman is out in the country selling his wares. He is in the middle of nowhere when his car breaks down, he leaves the car and starts walking and reaches a small farm house. He knocks and a middle aged man opens the door.
The salesman asks him for a place to sleep in the night. The farmer tells that he has only one room with a bed and on that he and his wife (who turns out be gorgeous) sleep. So the salesman sleeps on the bed with the farmer and his lovely wife.
In the middle of the night the farmer's wife gets horny and asks the salesman to come over to her side and fk her! The salesman points towards the snoring farmer and whispers, ''He'll wake up!''
The farmer's wife replies, ''He's a sound sleeper. If you don't trust me pull a hair out of his ass and you will see that he won't wake up!''
The salesman tries and the farmer does not wake up. The salesman and the farmer's wife get into a fking session. They repeat the act several more times that night and the salesman plucks a hair out of the farmer's ass everytime he goes to fk the wife.
Finally the farmer wakes up and says, ''Hey, I don't mind you fking my wife, but can you stop using my ass a scoreboard!?!''

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

A: Her wedding cake.

Q: What two things can get a woman pregnant when they're in the air?

A: Her feet.

Confucious say, "Man who stuffs his own sausage pounds his own meat."

Confucious say, ''Baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."

Confucious say: ''Man with dk in peanut butter jar is fking nuts.''

Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park but is better for boy to park meat in girl."