Posts made by nhalizegt

Q: What do you call 12 naked guys sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum poll.

A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.
Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven''t heard any complaints."

Q: Why was the dirty old man fired from the poultry shop?
A: He couldn't keep his hands off the breasts and thighs.

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa…"

A farmer finds a man screwing one of his sheep and a little boy watching.

He walks up to the boy and asks, "Who's that screwing my sheep?"

The boy replies, "That's my Daa-aa-aad."

What is the longest organ in a sheep's body?
A New Zealander's c**k!

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! Right now – c'mon -- you and I need to clean up. Your stuff's all over the floor, and you'll have no clothes left to wear if we don't do laundry right now."

What a man hears:

"Blah, blah, blah blah RIGHT NOW blah blah YOU AND I blah blah blah ALL OVER THE FLOOR blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW."

A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking, when a woman sidles up next to him. "You're cute," says the woman, "do you want to go back to my place and have some nasty sex?"
"You bet!'' exclaims the hillbilly, "But I have to tell you, I'm a virgin. I've always been scared because my mom told me that women have sharp teeth between their legs, and sometimes they bite."
"Don't worry," the woman says, and the two head back to her place, where she strips and shows the hillbilly her private parts. "Now, does it look like I have teeth down there?" she asks.
"How could you possible have teeth down there?" he says, "Look at the shape your gums are in."

Q: How do you make your wife scream during an orgasm?
A: Wipe your d**k on the curtains.

Sex is like a job, and if you don't do good work, this might be your last day at the office.

I told myself this year, I ain't havin' sex no more – on Tuesdays, between 4:30 and 6, I ain't havin' sex with nobody.

A man is away on business, at a convention for marvellous machines. He found a long corridor lined with machines and decided to try a few. The first he came to was called ''The Wonder Cut''. He inserted his money and did as he was told to do by the instructions. He lay back in the chair and after a few minutes the machine stopped and he hopped out of the chair, with the best hair cut he had ever had.

Further down the corridor he came to a machine that said, 'For the best shave every insert here'', so he inserted his money in and place his face in the slot. And sure enough his face had the best shave he had ever had.

He walked on down the corridor until he came to the last machine. It said ''for the man who has been away from his wife for a long time and is in dire need.. The rest of the words were rubbed of but he got the general idea. He made sure no one was looking and inserted his money, undid his fly and placed his ''thing'' in the hole. The machine rumbled and after a few minutes of extreme pain he withdrew his thing from the hole with a new shiny button neatly sewed on the end.

Have you seen the hottest new Catholic porn film?
It's 10 minutes of sex and 50 minutes of guilt.

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

Q: What's in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting pregnant?

A: Men's asses.

Herman and his brother, Trevor live on a farm in Texas. One day Trevor rides on his bike into town and he sees a building on fire, so he goes back home and tells his brother, “Herman, Herman there is a fire and people are getting burned!”
His brother says “Oh, that was on the radio – that's old news.
So Trevor rides back into town and he sees a bank beeing robbed, so he rides back home and says “Herman, Herman there is bank being robbed and people are getting shot and killed!”
His brother says, “Oh that was on the radio -- that's old news.”
So Trevor rides back into town and he sees a pig stuck in a fence and starts to thinkin'... Then he rides home and says, “Herman Herman! I had my first sequal experince today!”
His brother says, “In a pig's ass,”
And Trevor replies, “Oh, you and your stupid radio.”

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom – gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''
''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''