Posts made by nhalizegt

A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. He sneezes again, unzips and wipes himself off with the handkerchief.

The woman says, "Sir, that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing condition that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, says with sympathy, "Oh, you poor man. What do you take for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.

Q: Who made the first soft drink?
A: Adam – he made Eve's cherry pop.

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional. All I want is an occasional piece in the living room."

Three bored girls are sitting around, and one of them suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
The first girl says, "I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause seven days a week, he's up."
The second girl answers, "I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
The third girl replies, "Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
Her friends argue, "You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop, and you're talking about a hard liquor."
The third girl says, "Exactly."

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You don't know when it's going to come, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"

"Doctor, everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm!"
"Are you doing anything for it?"
"Snorting pepper."

Q: What kind of birth control do snakes use?
A: Anacondoms.

Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub. He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton. She replies, "A bush."

The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower. He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?" His father replies, "It is a snake."

A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights."

A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"

A man relaxes with his evening paper when he hears a light knock on the door. He opens it, looks down and sees a small snail.

"Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail asks. The man picks up the snail, throws him into the bushes and goes back to reading.

A year later, there is another knock at the door. It's the snail again.

"What'd you do that for?"

What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon?
"Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"

There were five thousand Smurfs, and one Smurfette, and she screwed each one seven times. Enter 5000+1 times 7 in a calculator to see what Smurfette was…

Why do smurfs laugh as they walk through the forest?
Because the grass tickles their balls!

Q: Why didn't Smokey the Bear have cubs?
A: Every time his wife got hot, he stomped her out.

Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle?

A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.

A lady walks into the local record store.
"Do you have Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" she asks.
"No, but I've got dangling balls and a 7-inch," says the smartass behind the counter. The lady thinks for a second.
"Is that a record?"
"I think so. I'm only 14."

What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A p***y - because you gotta leave your bags outside!

Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives.

Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M."

Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

A nun was walking down the corridor when suddenly she trips up.
She yells out in pain, "Oh Christ! Oh God, I said Christ! Oh st, I said God! Oh, fk, I said st! Oh, who wants to be a fking nun anyway?"