Posts made by nhalizegt

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm!

Q: Why did the squirrel lay on its stomach?
A: To keep its nuts warm.

One day little Bill was playing in the sand out of the sun underneath his front steps. Soon his mother walked up the steps without underwear due to the heat of the day and little Bill looked up and yelled out, ''Mother, what's that black thing that you're carrying under your dress?'' ''Don't worry, Bill, it's just a squirrel,'' she said. So little Bill kept on playing, and soon his grandmother came along, also without underwear, and little Bill looked up and said, ''Grammie what is that hairy animal under your dress?'' ''Ah, it's a squirrel,'' she answered. So little Bill asked his grandmother, ''Why is it that your squirrel is grey intead of black?'' The grandmother replied, ''If your mother's squirrel had popped the nuts that this one has popped, it would be gray too.''

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
"What d'ya know, we do taste like chicken."

What do you call the spot between a mans dick and his butthole?
A chinrest!

Q: What's the difference between a girl's G-spot and a golf ball?

A: A man will spend hours looking for a golf ball.

I love Cosmopolitan Magazine. I guess it's 'cause it's got a whole bunch of sexy tips in it. I was reading it a couple weeks ago, and the best sex, according to Cosmo, is spontaneous sex. That sounds good, right? So here's what I did: a couple of days later, I was doing the dishes, and I just surprised myself and masturbated.

A man was walking down the street when he came upon a brothel. He noticed a couple having sex on the lawn. He saw another couple behind a tree and two more behind some bushes.
He walked up to the brothel, knocked on the door and asked what in the world was going on with all the sex on the lawn.
"Oh, that," said the madam. "We're having a yard sale."

Q: Why do they pay sperm donors?
A: Because otherwise they'd stop coming!

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.

What do you get when you cross an egg with a sperm?

An omlette you probably shouldn't eat.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: Sixty-eight – at 69, you have to turn around.

"Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?"
Dad replied ''That's Grandpa!"

What has three balls and comes from outer space?
E.T., the Extra-Testicle!

A southern girl returned home after a summer with her grandparents in Ohio. Her friends asked her what she learned on her trip. "Well, they have these men up there who like other men." "Ooh. What are they called?" "They call them gay." "What else did you learn?" "Well, they have these women who like other women." "Ooh. What are they called?" "They call them lesbians." "Did you learn anything else?" "Yes. They have these men who lick women in their most private parts." "Ooh. What do they call them?" "I don't know, but when he was done, I called him 'Precious.'"

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction site. The construction workers usually had their lunches in there, their favourite meal being beef soup.
But one day the chef ran out of meat and in his panicked state he ran out the door in the hope of finding a ride to town. After noticing that there was no vehicles nearby he sadly started walking back to his restaurant. Upon nearing the construction site he saw a sheep tied up on a pole nearby. He was so happy that he untied the sheep and proceeded to his place.
At lunchtime the construction workers walked in and ordered their favorite soup.
During the meal, the guys started exclaiming in delite that the soup tasted extremely good today and asked what was the reason for that. The chef was pleased and proceeded to tell them about his predicament. Everyone stopped eating with a dazed look on their faces.
The chef asked, "What's the matter boys, did I screw up the cooking?"
"No." replied the foreman of the construction team, "you cooked up the screwing."

What's the difference between a hooker, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority sister?

The hooker says, ''Are you done already?''
The nympho says, ''Oh no! You're not done already!?''
The sorority sister says, ''Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.''

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a vibrator. She screams at her, "What are you doing?"
The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old, I'm not married and I don't have a date. Give me a break!"
The mother shakes her head and leaves.
The next day, the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing. He screams, "What's going on here?"
The daughter says the same thing to him, he shakes his head and leaves.
That night, the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says, "What on earth are you doing with that?"
The father sits back and replies, "Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in-law?"

A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind."
The boy replied,"Dad, I'm over here."