Posts made by nhalizegt

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.

He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.

As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."

''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited.

''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies.

So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''

A drunk stumbles out of a bar one night and passes a woman walking her dog. The man stops her and asks, "Hey where'd ya get the pig?" The woman replies, "Listen you drunken bastard, that's a dog not a pig." The man then said, "Take it easy, I was talking to the dog"

Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and three years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Romania, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.

On the drive over to his girlfriend's house, a guy listens to a call-in sex show on the radio. The host is explaining that masturbating before sex can help men last longer. The guy decides to give it a try.

He pulls his truck over on the side of the highway, gets out and crawls underneath. Satisfied with the privacy, he undoes his pants, closes his eyes and starts to masturbate.

Close to orgasm, he feels a tap on the bottom of his boot. Not wanting to lose his fantasy when he's so close, he squeezes his eyes shut tighter and stammers, "J-just checking the r-rear a-axle. Almost g-got it!"

"Well, you might as well check your brakes while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.

The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

When an attractive young girl returned from her honeymoon she was in a state bordering on desperation, and decided to write to the ''Aunt Marge'' page of her weekly magazine:

''I am at wit's end since it seems that the nice boy I married is really a sex-maniac. He never leaves me alone – he makes love to me all night without stopping, and then while I'm cooking breakfast, cleaning the house, while I'm in the bath, while I'm watching TV, and so on, he just never stops! Can you please tell me what to do? Signed, Exhausted in Peoria P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting.''

Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?
A: The panties were half off.

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."
Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the teacher asked why.
Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

My wife and I are having a baby – soon as I get her pregnant. We've been trying. My sperm have been told their whole lives not to get any woman pregnant. They've gotten extremely good at it.

A man notices his grandpa sitting on his front porch, completely naked from the waist down. "Grandpa, why are you sitting out here without pants?" he exclaims.

The old man says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sex?
A: They're both very rare.

A guy suffers from extreme abdominal pain and sees a doctor.

The doctor says that medicated rectal inserts should rectify the problem. After performing the initial insertion, the doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed.

That night, the man asks his wife to help him. His wife puts a hand on his shoulder to steady him and inserts the medicine. He lets out a wail. "Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No – I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

A businessman is seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman on a plane. After they exchange brief hellos, he notices she is reading a manual of sexual statistics. He asks her about it, and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that Native Americans have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski – nice to meet you."

Once there was a sperm named Stanley. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Stanley was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, a sperm asked him why he was always exercising.
"You see," said Stanley, "when the time comes, I'm gonna be first, you'll see." The other sperm did not believe him. But one day, they were called to action, and all started swimming. All of a sudden, Stanley turned and went in the other direction.
"Don't do it, boys! It's a BLOWJOB!"

A couple, who had been married for years, were making love.
He asked, "Dear, am I hurting you?"
"No," she replied. "But why do you ask?"
"You moved," he said.