Posts made by coryzinho

“Time heals all wombs.”

“The seizure salad … is so good.”

“I have no clue why people don’t like hammy downs … Who doesn’t like free clothes?”

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”

Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”

Wikipedia: “Warning label does 
not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”

Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since 
I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”

He said he did and thanked me.

The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is 
So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent 
in Chinese?”

I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
II. At the Beginning He Had 
Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
IV. How I Work: Read This 
Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
V. She Admitted to Doing 
What Every Sunday?
VI. Seven Morning Habits of 
People Holier than You: 
#7 No Killing Before Lunch
VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
IX. This Little Girl Bore False 
Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her

Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone.

Me: Siri, call my wife.

Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.

Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife.

Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.

Me: Call my wife.

Siri: Which wife?

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.  He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.  His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.  He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."  The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"  At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.  A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it.

“It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ”

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.  He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.  The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.  The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people.  Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!  Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"  "Yes," replies the little girl.  "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.  The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"  The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"  "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.  The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?  The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.  He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.  " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."  This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.  The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"  The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.  "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."  She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"  The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.  He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.  After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.  The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.  The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"  Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.  And you thought blondes were dumb.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then…good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.  In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.  He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.  So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.  When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.  Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there.  So he went to the maid's room.  When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.  Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud,  "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. I have to call everyone back.

~

Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.

Mom: WTF!

Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?

Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.

~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.

The cool part about naming 
your kid is you don’t have to add 
six numbers to make sure the name 
is available.

Food blogs are rife with pressing questions, helpful hints, and caustic comments from readers. One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards.
• “I don’t eat white flour, so I tried making it with raw almonds that I’d activated by chewing with my mouth open to receive direct sunlight, and it turned out terrible. This recipe is terrible.”
• “I don’t have an oven; can 
I still make this? Please reply 
immediately.”
• “A warning that if you 
cook this at 275°F for three hours instead of at 400°F for 
25 minutes, it’s completely 
ruined. Do you have any 
suggestions?”

I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive. Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”

I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”

“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.

“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”