Posts made by coryzinho

Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.
Friend:Well whats it about?
Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnappers with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Friend:Cool whats it called?
Me:Finding Nemo

A kid is at school and the teacher told him his homework was to find out what the 5th letter of the alphabet was. He went home and asked his dad.
Kid: Dad what is the 5th letter of the alphabet?
Because his dad is watching the footy he shouts
Dad: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!
He goes up to his mum and asks her what the 5th letter of the alphabet is.
Kid: Mum what is the 5th letter of the alphabet?
Because his mum is on the phone she replies
Mum: Shut up!
He goes and asks his Little Brother what the 5th letter of the alphabet was.
Kid: Little Brother what is the 5th letter of the Alphabet?
Because he was watching the wiggles his response was
Little Brother: Chugga Chugga Chugga in my big red car!
The boy goes and asks his IPod what the 5th letter of the Alphabet was
Kid: IPod what is the 5th letter of the alphabet?
IPod: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson!
The next day he goes to school and the teacher asks him what the 5th letter of the Alphabet was.
Teacher: What is the 5th letter of the alphabet?
Kid: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!
Teacher: Excuse me!
Kid: Shut up!
Teacher: Who do you think you are?!?!??
Kid: Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson!
Teacher: How do you think you're going to get away with this?
Kid: Chugga Chugga Chugga in my big red car!

Ok so this mean girl came into my house and she called me poor, just because she had more money than me
These were some actual moments:
Girl: EEw what is this crap on your walls?
Me: a mirror.

LATER:

Girl: Hey ha ha I have Subway Surfers on my phone.
Me: Cool so do I.
Girl: YOU have a PHONE?
Me: yeah shows phone
Girl: ha ha but there are cracks in it!
Me: speaking of cracks and buts, you should pull up your pants.
LATER:

Girl: well noow that I'm leaving might as well give you advice.
Me: which is?
Girl: avoid your face!
Me: I don't have time cuz I'm already avoiding yours.
Girl: GRRR hey where did you get your crap clothes?!?!?!
Me: The same place you got your life.
Girl: Did you google these comebacks?!!?!? (lol some of them yesh)
Me: Did you google your insults?
Girl: go back your cage! I'm going to my large condo!
Me: Yeah Hell's pretty big, isn't it?
Girl: of course you'd know that.
Me: I know lots of things because I'm not home schooled. ( no offense if you're home schooled but this girl was retarded)
Girl: I have nickname for you! WANNABE!
Me: I have lots of nicknames for you right now.
Girl: I HAVE THE POWER TO SUE YOU!
Me: you're lucky you don't have the power to read minds.
Girl: That's it! I'm leaving! gets in car BYE POOR KIDS!
MY friend: that sucks she gets the last word.
Me: Nope. I put some bug attractor in her hair spray.

4 nuns stand in line ready to confess their sins to the priest.
1st one enters..

Nun1: ''Father,forgive me for i have sinned.I seen the male thing''.
Priest: ''Say 10 Our Fathers and wash your eyes in the Holy water''.

2nd nun enters..

Nun2: ''Forgive me Father for i have sinned.I've touched male thing''.
Priest: ''Say 20 Our Fathers and wash your hand in the Holy water''.

3th nun wants to enter but 4th one pushes her and enters before her..

Nun4: ''Father!You are crazy if you think I will wash my mouth after She washes her ass in the Holy water''!!

Three guys are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are in labor. The doctor goes up to the first guy and says,
"Your wife gave birth to two kids."
"Wow, that is a coincidence because I was in the two towers movie," he replies. The doctor goes up to the second guy.
"Your wife gave birth to five kids."
"Wow, that's a coincidence because I work at five guys," he said.
The doctor sees the third guy crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asked.
The third guy said "I work at the 99 steakhouse."

USA's Student…....
Answer: Love is life.
(marks : 10 from 40)

UK's Student......
Answer : Love is pain.
(marks : 10 from 40)

Indian Student........Answer :
.
Definition:
A serious disorder of heart due to relationship between men & women that can cause death of 1 or both depending on the resistance associated

• TYPES:
  1 sided & 2 sided

• AGE:
  Usually occurs in teenages but nowdays can be found in any age

• SYMPTOMS:
  Tension
  Daydreaming
  Insomnia
  Phone Addiction

• DIAGNOSIS BY:
  Diary
  Photos
  Mobile

-TREATMENT:
Anti-LOVE therapy by Father's Shoe
or
Mother's Sandal......

(marks 40 from 40) Excellent !

A man walks into a bar, he sees a donkey crying in the corner with a bucket of quarters next to him. He walks up to the bartender and asks, '' What's wrong with the donkey? '' The bartender replies, '' He's been crying all week, I can't get him to stop. He's been driving away all of my customers. '' The man looks at the donkey and says, '' Can I be of help? '' The bartender looks up at the man with a very excited face. The bartender says, '' If you could do that, the bucket of quarters is yours! '' The man takes the donkey outside, then comes back in after a minute. The donkey is laughing. The bartender says, '' You did it! The bucket is all yours! '' The man takes the bucket and walks home. A week later the man comes back to the same bar. He sees the donkey laughing again, and another bucket of quarters next to him. He asks the bartender, '' What happened? There's nobody here! '' The bartender says, '' The donkey has been laughing all week, he won't stop. Please, if you could, do your magic again to help him. I need my business. '' The man takes the donkey outside, but this time, an hour passes, and he walks into the bar again. The donkey is crying. The bartender says, '' Incredible! You are truly magical! How on earth do you do it!? '' The man replies, '' Well, the first time I did it, I told him my dick was bigger than his. He started laughing. Then, the second time I proved it to him. ''

Son: Dad I failed my safety quiz
Dad: What? How?
Son: I missed the only question
Dad: What was the question?!?!
Son: What steps do we take in case of fire?
Dad: And what did you say?!
Son: Well I said f*cking large ones but apparently that's not rich
Dad: You are such a dumbass

Last week, my girlfriend and i were in bed kissing passionately and getting sensual. As our passion began to heat'up, she said….. "NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT, I Just Want You To Hold Me".

I screamed "WHAT??!!" "What Was That?!"

She replied...."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man".
She further added...."Can't you just love me for who i am, and not what i do for you in the bedroom?".

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i just went to sleep.

The next day, i decided to cancel going to school so that i could spend time with her.
We went out and had a nice lunch, then i took her shopping at a very big boutique.
I walked around with her as she tried on several expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so i told her we would just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so i surprised her by telling her to just get a pair of shoes for each cloth she selects.

We went over to the jewelry section where she picked'out a pair of gold earrings.
She was so excited, she also asked for a Bracelet and a Wrist'Watch, and i surprised her further when i replied..."That's Okay Honey, You Can Have Them All".

She was on'top of the world from all the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said...."I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when i replied her...."NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT".

Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT"??!!.

I further said...."Honey I Just Want You To Hold Those Things For A While". "You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".

Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, i further added....
"Why can't you just love me for who i am, and not for the things i buy you?".

Apparently she won't allow me touch her this night either, but at least she knows am smarter than her.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

A man walks into a bar on the 51st story of the hotel he is staying at. He sits down next to a drunk guy who says; "you know that window over there?" (points to a window across the room) "if you jump out you fly back in.
"Prove it" the guy says. so the drunk guy dives out the window and flies back in.
the guy is amazed and immediately jumps out of the window.
he falls to the ground and dies.
the barman comes out of the kitchen and says
"Superman, your a real f*ck-up when your drunk"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said,"When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah." The teacher asked,"What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,"Then you ask him."

To prevent accidental pregnancy due to condom failure. World conferences topic was to discuss perfect method to avoid pregnancy. All scientist submitted there research. A jew scientist came with great idea which won price. He told - To prevent the condom failure use 2 condom with chilly powder in between. If inner condom is torn he will know it immediately. If outer condom breaks, she will know it !

Two women friends met after many years.

"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"

"My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"

"That's really awful!"

"And what about your daughter?"

"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."

One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? ''
That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''

In private beer party, one kid was disturbing group by asking all silly questions. Everyone wss getting annoyed. One mexican from group told others - Dont worry. I will manage him.
He took him in one corner for 5 minutes, later on kid didn't bothered them at all infact he didn't came out of room.
Everyone asked mexican how he managed.
Mexican said- not to worry. He won't disturb us now.
I taught him, how to do mastrubation.

Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

In the mall there were 3 robbers who was being chased by a police. The three robbers found a 3 sacks ,now each of them have a sack, they hid inside the sack and then later the police walks by and saw the 3 sacks,the police kicked the first sack
the guy in the 1st sack said "woff,woff" the police said Oh! its only a dog,then he kicked the 2nd bag and the 2nd guy said "meow,meow" then the police said Oh! its only a cat,and then finaly the police kicked the 3rd sack and nothing happens he kicked it again and still nothing happens he kicked it for the last time and finally the 3rd guy in the sack said "Fuck You" I'm a potato i'm not suppose to speak…..

So there is this boy who has a speaking disability. One day he goes down to the bakery and asks for a bum, the person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bun?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then decides to go down to the hardware store and asks for a f*ck it, The person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bucket?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then goes to the pet store to get a dog, he asks for a cock and spank it, The lady at the counter replies with "Don't you mean a cocker spaniel?" He replies with yeah yeah whatever. That afternoon he loses his dog, he goes up to a random woman and says

"Can you please hold my bum and f*ck it while I go find my cock and spank it?"

There were three guys in a hot air balloon, one said "We have too many of these." And droped a piece of wood. The second guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a brick. The last guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a bomb.

On the ground was a police officer who found a guy crying, "Why are you crying?" "A plank of wood hit me on the head!" he replies. On the officer went. He then saw another guy crying, "Why are you crying?" "A brick hit me on the head!" he replied. On he goes then sees a guy laughing. "Why are you laughing?" He asked. "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"