Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn’t wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.
"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."
"Really?" said his mother, surprised.
"What do they do if it starts to rain?"
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: "Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."
A Classic Rivalry
A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for
Mr. Yankees!”
The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”
Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”
“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”
A Pig Walks Into a Bar…
A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?” “No,” says the pig. “I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”
So a Dog Walks Into…
So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
Quite a Crowd
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
A Duck Walks Into a Drugstore
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”
A man walks into a restaurant and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?” The cook replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ‘em they’re gonna die.”
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot.
“Who are you?” the burglar asks.
“Moses,” the bird replied.
“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.
“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A Tibetan Phone Call
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
A Dog Goes Into…
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.”
The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
A Frenchman Walks Into…
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”
The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”
A Grasshopper Hops Into…
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
A Group of Fonts
Several fonts walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here.”
A Bear Walks Into…
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ……………. and some of those peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
A Guy Walks Into…
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A Horse Walks Into…
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
A Panda Walks Into…
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”