Posts made by coryzinho

The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"

The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."

The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"

The man tells him, "About $200 a week."

The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"

One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."

A large group of blondes gathered in the middle of New York City to prove once and for all they are smart people. They challenged everybody to ask any of them any question.

A man approaches them and accepts their challenge. He randomly picks a blonde woman and asks her "What is the first letter of the alphabet?"

The woman replies "V!" The man tells her she is wrong and the group begins to chant "One more chance! One more chance!"

The man replies "Okay okay. What is the capital of New York?"

The woman yells "Toronto!" The crowd chants again "One more chance! One more chance!"

The man indulges them "Okay fine, final chance. What is two plus two?"

The woman yells "Four!" The crowd chants again "One more chance! One more chance!"

A pirate walks into a bar with an eyepatch, pegleg, and hook for a hand. The bartender notices his leg, "How did you get that pegleg?"

The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a shark aboard. The shark bit my leg off!"

"Wow," replies the bartender. "What about that hand?"

The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a wave swept a killer whale aboard. The whale bit my leg off!"

"Oh," replies the bartender. "How about the eye?"

The pirate replies, "It were many years ago. I were walkin' on the deck when a seagull came outta nowhere and pooped in my eye."

"And that blinded you?" asked the bartender.

"No, it twas my first day with the hook."

A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent comes up to him and says, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"

The old rancher replies, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he points at one of his fields.

The FBI agent snaps at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With this he pulls out his badge and shoves it into the ranchers face.

The rancher shrugs this off and continues with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he hears a loud scream from the field he pointed out earlier. Suddenly he sees the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels. The rancher rushes to the fence and yells "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

A new monk starts living at the main monk headquarters. He is in charge of the copying of holy texts. He notices that all of the monks are copying copies of their sacred texts. He goes to the head monk, "If there is an error in one of the copies, all of the subsequent copies will have the same error."

The head monk replies, "We have been doing it this way for centuries, but I understand your concern." So he heads to the cellar to check all of the main copies against the original texts.

Hours later no one has seen him and they begin to get worried. They send a monk to the cellar to check on him. He finds him sitting and weeping next to their main text. He asks the head monk, "What's wrong? What did you find?"

The head monk looks at him, "It says celebrate!"

A first grade teacher tells her class that she is American and asks them to raise their hands if they are American.

All of their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks, except one girl named Kristen. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American," the girl responds.

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little annoyed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason. What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

"Well," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel bar. Upon arriving to the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied "Everything is big in Texas."

A little later the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door. This door lead to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident.

Scared to death, he started shouting "Don't flush, don't flush!"

A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."

Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off. As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks in to bed satisfied with himself.

The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"

She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."

He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."

A blonde woman was going through a very difficult time in her life. She lost her job, her family, and all of her money. With nothing left to do, she decided to pray, "God, please let me win the lottery. I've lost everything." But the lottery came and she didn't win.

She prayed once again, "God, I know the chance of winning the lottery is low, but I need it. Please let me win." But once again the lottery came and went and she didn't win.

At this point she started to get angry with God, "Listen here God, I need to win the lottery. You owe me that much."

Suddenly light beams descend from the sky and God appears before her. She asks him, "God, why can't you just let me win?"

God shakes his head and said, "I'm doing everything I can. Could you meet me half way and actually buy a ticket?."

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.

He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."

"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.

"Here it comes… THR..."

He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"

The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."

Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says "Mmmm, that was some good lion." The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.

But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. The dog begins to run but has another idea, "Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion hours ago!"

A British man, Frenchman, and American are on an African safari when they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader addresses them, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but I must follow our traditions."

The Brit replies, "What does that mean?"

The cannibal replies, "We will kill you, eat you, cook you, and make canoes from your skin. But we're not all bad, we'll let you choose your death."

The Brit steps up first and says, "Give me a pistol." He puts it to his head and yells, "God save the Queen!"

Next the Frenchman asks, "Can I have a sword?" As he runs into the sword he yells, "Viva la France!"

Finally, the American asks for a fork. He begins to stab himself repeatedly everywhere. The cannibal leader yells at him, "What in the world are you doing?!"

The American yells, "Good luck with my canoe, assholes!"

Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says, "I have some unsavory news. I sent my son to Israel to become a more faithful Jew, but he became Christian!"

The other mother replies, "Funny story! I sent my son there for the same reason, and he became a Christian as well!"

The two women, worried about their sons, went to their Rabbi for advice. When they tell him about the situation he says, "Funny story! Ten years back I sent my son to Israel for that very reason when he was studying to be a Rabbi, and he became a priest instead!"

They all decide it would be best if they prayed for guidance. After several minutes of prayer God addresses them, "What is wrong my children?."

They explain that all three of their children went to Israel to become better Jews but converted to Christianity instead. God replies, "Funny story!"

A Nobel Prize winning mathematician is traveling from university to university on a speaking tour by limousine. After several engagements the mathematician and his driver are having dinner and the driver says "I've heard your speech so many times I think I could give it word-for-word." The mathematician accepts the challenge and they switch places for the next speech; the driver dresses like the professor and the professor dresses as the driver and sits in the back of the auditorium.

The driver gives the speech flawlessly and opens up the floor for question, usually there are none. But one of the students at the university has a very large ego and decides to attempt to stump the Nobel Prize winner. After the student asks his question for ten straight minutes the driver laughs and says "That question is so simple I'll let my driver in the back answer it."

A man and his blonde wife are sitting inside, by the fire, when the radio announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the even-numbered side of the road." The wife goes out and moves her car.

The next day the same thing happens, and the announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the odd-numbered side of the road." The wife goes out and moves her car.

A few days later the same thing happens and the announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to two feet of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the-" but the power goes out in the middle of the announcement.

The blonde freaks out, "Which side do I put my car on?!"

Her husband tenderly confronts her saying, "How about we just leave the car in the garage this time?"

The Pope arrives in New York and gets in his Limo. While driving the Pope asks his driver, "May I drive?"

The driver can't refuse since he's the Pope and all, so the pope hops into the driver seat and the driver into the back.

It's been a very long time since the pop has driven himself so he is a terrible driver. He swerves in and out of traffic and eventually gets pulled over. The police officer that pulled him over approaches the driver but immediately goes back to his cruiser. He tells his partner, "There is an extremely important person in the limo."

His partner asks, "Is it the mayor?"

The cop replies, "Bigger!"

His partner asks, "Is it the governor?"

Again the cop says, "Bigger!"

His partner replies, "It couldn't be the president?!"

The cop says, "I don't know. But whoever it is has the frickin' Pope driving him around!"

Two sisters, one is blonde and one is brunette, are trying to start a farm. The brunette sister finds a prized bull in the classified and leaves to check it out. She tells the blonde that she will contact her to come haul the bull back to the farm if she decides to buy it.

The brunette goes to the farm and decides to buy it. The farmer tells her that the bull will cost exactly $599, no less. So she buys the bull and heads to town to contact her sister. The only person she can find to help her is a telegraph operator.

The operator tells her "It costs 99 cents per word, what would you like to send?"

The brunette replies "Well I only have $1 left." She thinks for a while and tells the operator she wants to send the word 'comfortable.'

The operator asks "How will she know you bought the bull and want her to bring the haul from the word comfortable?"

The blonde replies "She's a slow reader."

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.  After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.  In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.  The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.  "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next.  "My dad owns a farm too.  Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny.  "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.  He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.  On the way down, he drank the case of beer.  Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!  So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.  Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.  After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars."

"No," she says, "I just want to sleep."

He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says if he gets it wrong he will pay her five hundred dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars.

"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks.

She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks.

He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her, "So what is the answer?"

She hands him 5 dollars.