Posts made by s042ob

Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"
…while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

A little to the North and East, but

The Swede went to visit his Finlander friend
The two thought that to share a drink would be a useful way to strengthen their friendship, so agreed to meet at the Fin's favorite place.

Sitting down, the Finn host lifted two fingers and soon a pair of glasses and a bottle of Vodka was set before them. The Swede took the initiative and poured the glasses full, lifting his with a hearty "Skål!"

Soon each glass was emptied and the guest replenised the liquid and again made a toast to his friend, "Skål"

The two sat a bit longer whithout a word passing. The Swede began to wonder if he had in some way offended his guest.

Trying to put himself in good favor with his frriend he filled the glasses once more and again toasted "Skål!"

With this act, the Fin cleared his throat and in a firm voice spoke.

"Talk, Talk, Talk, I thought we came to drink!

Three guys die and go to hell.

When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack… So I'll cut it off with a saw"

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."

This guy goes to the drug store with his young son. As they walk past the condom display, the boy notices them and asks his Dad, “What are these, Dad?”

The man doesn’t believe in hiding things from his son and thinks his son is old enough to learn about such things so he says, “They are called condoms. Men use them for safe sex.”

The boy looks at the display and notices there are packs of three condoms. He points to them and says, “Why are there three in those packets?”

The Dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys – there’s one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy, who then notices there are packs of six condoms and asks his Dad, “Then who are the packets of six for?”

The Dad answers, “Those are for college men. There are two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

“Wow!” said the boy, “Then who uses THESE?” as he picked up a twelve-pack.

The Dad sighs sadly and says, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March

These three rednecks were sitting around one day, comparing their wives to see who had the dumbest.

The first redneck said, ‘My wife’s so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don’t even have running water.’

The second said, ‘That’s nothing! Mine bought a ceiling fan, and we don’t even have electricity.’

The third said, ‘Aw, that’s nothing! I was goin’ through my wife’s purse for some whisky money t’other night and found a box of condoms. And you know what? She ain’t even got a penis!’

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

2 guys were out in a jungle. One of the guys walks a few meters to the side in order to take a leak, when he suddenly gets bit in his dick.
-“Heeeeeelp!”
-“What happened?”
-“I’ve been bit in my dick by a poisonous snake!”
His friend calls 911 where they tell him that if they don’t arrive right away, then he has 5 minutes to suck out the poison.
-“What did the doctors say?”
-“That you will die in five minutes.”

The girls in the seventh grade were preparing for confirmation.
If any of you have touched a penis, then you need to be washed in holy water, the priest said. The first girl steps forward and says that she has touched one with her finger, and she therefore washes her finger in the holy water. Then the next girl steps forward and says that she has touched a penis with her entire hand, and she shall therefore wash her entire hand. The third girl hurries to the front of the queue, and the priest asks her why she is in such a hurry?
-“Because I’m going to wash my mouth in the holy water, and I’m gonna do that before Louise washes her ass!”

Once there was a man who loved playing football. He suddenly started wondering if there is football in heaven? He decided to visit a priest to ask. He visited the priest and asked: -“Do you know if you can play football in heaven?”
“I can ask God, so if you return in a few days I will have an answer for you.”
A few days later the man returned to church and asked if the priest had gotten a reply.
-“Well, I have both good and bad news” – the priest said
-“Alright, then give me the good news first”.
-“There is football in heaven.”
-“I’m glad to hear that, but what are the bad news?”
-“That you will be playing on their team on Saturday.”

They walk up to the bartender and ask – ”Can we get a free drink?”
The bartender – ”Sure, if all of your dicks combined are at least one meter!”
The three crazy guys need to pull them out to see if the combined length is at least one meter.
They measure them and the first one is 50 cm, the second one 49 cm and the third one 1 cm.
When later during the evening they leave the bar, the first one says ”We were fortunate that mine was 50 cm”
The next one says, ”It was also good that mine was 49 cm”.
Finally the third one says, ”And we were fortunate that I had a boner!”.

A blonde who lived on her own had a habit of walking around naked in her studio apartment was going to throw out the garbage. She considered whether she should get dressed before walking out, but thought she would probably be fine. So she opened the door carefully and tried to hear if anyone was in the stairwell. There wasn’t. She hurried out to throw the garbage and… BOOM! The door the apartment slammed shut.
In that moment, she heard the gate opening and she saw a drunk man walking up the stairs.
‘Help, what do I do now?’ she thought. ‘I guess I’ll have to bend down and stick my head between my shoulders and wait until he’s passed by.’, and so she did.
The drunk man walked past the woman, then he turned around and walked up to her. He pulled down his pants, did “that” with her and then turned around and mumbled to himself.
– It’s crazy what people throw away these days. There was nothing wrong with her, was there?!

Thanx 

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner.
The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction.
He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash.
He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.
By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea,
a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and,
taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him.
The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Macedonian men and 1 Macedonian woman.

One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere…

The first Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Macedonian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Macedonian woman and started swimming.

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftan. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.
"Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them."
The piest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests.
"In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test.
In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test.
In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take nomore."
The man agrees to the tests and begns the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut.
The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps.
He goes into th second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and sctratches.
He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."