Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"
…while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

A little to the North and East, but

The Swede went to visit his Finlander friend
The two thought that to share a drink would be a useful way to strengthen their friendship, so agreed to meet at the Fin's favorite place.

Sitting down, the Finn host lifted two fingers and soon a pair of glasses and a bottle of Vodka was set before them. The Swede took the initiative and poured the glasses full, lifting his with a hearty "Skål!"

Soon each glass was emptied and the guest replenised the liquid and again made a toast to his friend, "Skål"

The two sat a bit longer whithout a word passing. The Swede began to wonder if he had in some way offended his guest.

Trying to put himself in good favor with his frriend he filled the glasses once more and again toasted "Skål!"

With this act, the Fin cleared his throat and in a firm voice spoke.

"Talk, Talk, Talk, I thought we came to drink!

Three guys die and go to hell.

When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack… So I'll cut it off with a saw"

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."

This guy goes to the drug store with his young son. As they walk past the condom display, the boy notices them and asks his Dad, “What are these, Dad?”

The man doesn’t believe in hiding things from his son and thinks his son is old enough to learn about such things so he says, “They are called condoms. Men use them for safe sex.”

The boy looks at the display and notices there are packs of three condoms. He points to them and says, “Why are there three in those packets?”

The Dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys – there’s one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy, who then notices there are packs of six condoms and asks his Dad, “Then who are the packets of six for?”

The Dad answers, “Those are for college men. There are two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

“Wow!” said the boy, “Then who uses THESE?” as he picked up a twelve-pack.

The Dad sighs sadly and says, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March

These three rednecks were sitting around one day, comparing their wives to see who had the dumbest.

The first redneck said, ‘My wife’s so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don’t even have running water.’

The second said, ‘That’s nothing! Mine bought a ceiling fan, and we don’t even have electricity.’

The third said, ‘Aw, that’s nothing! I was goin’ through my wife’s purse for some whisky money t’other night and found a box of condoms. And you know what? She ain’t even got a penis!’

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

2 guys were out in a jungle. One of the guys walks a few meters to the side in order to take a leak, when he suddenly gets bit in his dick.
-“Heeeeeelp!”
-“What happened?”
-“I’ve been bit in my dick by a poisonous snake!”
His friend calls 911 where they tell him that if they don’t arrive right away, then he has 5 minutes to suck out the poison.
-“What did the doctors say?”
-“That you will die in five minutes.”