Posts made by s042ob

A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.
So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week.
So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.
Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse,
the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful.
It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope.
Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away. The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient.
He says to the guy “not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top." The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray. The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, “you have tennis elbow”.
The guy says, “that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me…” At this point the doc interrupts and says, “nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urine sample with you.”

The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit. He then has an idea. Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it. He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution. Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake. “There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”

Next morning he hands the doc the jar. Doc pours the contents into the machine. This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop. Doc picks it up and begins reading: “Your wife’s pregnant, your daughter’s fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit spanking your monkey you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!”

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH*T!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair… heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But..." stammers the driver. "Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn"t take him long. "Right!" snarls the Highlander. "Du it agin, now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. "Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can"t do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"

The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge.
A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo. She looks at the shelf behind the register.
"How much for the white one?" "$10."
"How much for the black one?" "$20."
She buys the white one.
A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo.
After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one.
A third lady comes in for a dildo. She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one.
She makes her purchase and leaves.
The proprietor returns and asks how things went.
"Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of btches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of btches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke,
and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow,
he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said,”I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair.
But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.”
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone.
He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex
with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?”
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”
Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were
completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister.
The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?
I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy                      of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do.
So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and
asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

Of course gay men dress well… They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

Gay, Bi, Ugly, Fine, Rich, Poor, Skinny, Fat, Black, White, Purple, A FRIEND IS A FRIEND!

Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.

Thank you Stephanie Meyer for teaching young women they are only worth something when they're loved by a sparkling homosexual.

Gay Jokes aren't funny, cum on guys!

Butt seriously, cum on, gay jokes aren't funny.

Being gay is ok, being bisexual is ok, being straight is ok, what's not ok? Wearing crocs.

I was gonna make a gay joke, butt fuck it!

Growing up gay was difficult because other boys never wanted to "play house".
I guess they didn't like redecorating as much as I did.

Hey are you a solar system cause I wanna be in Uranus.

You're so Gay you wouldn't know a straight line if it hit you in the face.

Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?

Apaprnlety hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmnlig snetnecse.

There were 2 scottish men I met and one was called Ben Doon and the other was called Phil McCavity.
They never had to buy hemmoroid cream.

Gay guys are fucking assholes. Literally.

How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it's gay?

I heard homosexuality is illegal in the Middle East, punishment for being gay is to go to jail,
where you will be surrounded by loads of other men.

While having sex with men is fun, I primarily became gay to break my mother's heart.

Mike eat a snickers. You're gay when you're hungry.

Religion is far more of a choice than being gay will ever be.

I only say I'm gay when ugly girls and hot guys hit on me.

"Last christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you said you were gay."

If a girl bangs 10 guys in a year, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's gay, definitely gay.

I tried to be gay once. I sucked.

Religion is like homosexuality: I'm afraid to try it incase I like it.

I asked my girlfriend if we could try anal tonight, but she thought it would be too painful.
How can wearing a strap-on be painful?

I like my women how I like my coffee ... I fucking hate coffee.

I finally told my parents they're gay.

Being gay is ok, being bisexual is ok, being straight is ok, what's not ok? Wearing crocs.

If you drive around in a Prius, don't be offended when a gay guy hits on you.

One day their was a man who hated aggressive women.
He always wanted to have sex with a gentle man.

If a gay man is murdered.. is it homocide?

If a man turns himself into a woman and a woman turns herself into a man and they both have sex would that be considered gay?

My dyslexic gay friend is so excited for February 14th. He thinks it's Vaseline Day!

Your so gay when someone asked you for a sperm donation you farted in a cup.

The only thing Count Chocula has in common with a regular vampire is that he's gay.

If gays aren't attracted to girls, then why are they attracted to men who behave like girls.

Even though I saw my mortal enemy in a gay porn scene online, I can never mention it, for obvious reasons.

Better to watching gay porn and be thought of as gay than to listen to Justin Bieber and remove all doubt.

Gay Or Not, if a girl walks past another girl with a fat A$$ she's going to turn around and look!

They're are four guys at a High School Reunion.
Three rich guys, and one mildly poor.
The mildly poor one leaves to the restroom.
One of them says "Let us talk about or rich and successful sons."
The first one says, "My son is so rich and successful and bought his best friend a Lamborghini."
The Second one says, "My son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend a Private Jet."
The Last one says, "Well my son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend his own Island."
The poor one returns from the restroom and says, "Watcha talking bout'?"
One of them says "Just our sons, How bout yours?"
The poor one says, "Well my sons a gay stripper at a gay bar. But he did just get a Fancy Car,
a Jet and a Really large island from his three boyfriends."

No use speculating in the matter as it is simply a joke 

A hippie backpacker from the Swiss Alps was tramping across a farmers field when it got dark. He asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer agreed but said he would have to sleep in bed with his 18 year old daughter. The farmer told him, "If I catch you molesting my daughter I'll shoot you!" That night the hippie and the farmers daughter got it on and had a great time. The farmer could hear the goings on from the next room. In the morning he opened the door and asked the hippie, "Did you have sex with my daughter?" The hippie was a Jesus freak so he decided to be honest: "Yes, I did. Please forgive me." The farmer took the hippie out back of the house and pointed a shotgun at him. "Ya got any last words, bub?" he asked. The Swiss hippie said, "Yodelayheehoo!" Then the farmer shot him. When the Sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he shot the man just for having sex with his daughter. The farmer replied, "Well, I didn't really have a problem with him screwing Bonnie. I was just gonna scare him a little, but when he said, 'Yer 'ol lady too!' that's when I blew his head off.

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."