Posts made by nhalizegt

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.  While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.  He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.  He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.  Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck….He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.  Be strong and I love you, too."

A wife and her husband were doing yard work , after a while the wife felt she had done enought for the day and went inside to have a shower. after she was in and soaping herself her husband threw a pebble at the sliding door she got out soping wet to see what he wanted her husband then pointed to his EYE , then his KNEE and made raking motions wit his arms. (I need the rake) his wife then pointed to her eye grabbed her left breast and smacked her ass and walked inside. The husband seeing his was confused and went into the house. after his wife dried off and put on a robe he asked her "what on earth was that u did?' she then said " I left it behind the bush "

This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"? She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"? The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve"? She said, "I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to fuck".

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up toward him and asked, "What's that under your newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I dont know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dosed off and the next thing I know im here" The police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do after that?" After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

This man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He askes the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So the man whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So the man turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked the man how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? He said first I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his, than I showed him.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married five times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 3 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 4 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Trev says to Greg behind him,"Shiiiiit, my elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Greg replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at the Shell Station repair shop. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Trev deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the Shell Station. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Trev began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wif and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Trev hurries back to BP, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Shell.

Three guys die in car accident and wind up in hell. They realize where they are at and find the Devil. They plead with him, "please let us go to heaven!" The devil comes up with an idea. He points at a huge escalater with some of the most beautiful, hottest women you have ever seen! He says you see that escalater? If you can make it up to heaven without engaging in ANY sexual activitie with any of these women then you are free to go. But if you do the nasty with any of them, then I am going to do to you something that your job on earth is related to. The first guy goes and fucks the first chick so the devil asks what his job was. " A mechanic" he replies. So the devil rips his dick off with pliers. The second guy goes and fucks the chick in the very middle. " A carpenter" he replies. So the devil saws his dick off. The final guy goes and makes it to the very top when he screws the last chick. The devil asks "Well you know the drill, what was you job?" and the guy just starts laughing his ass off! Furious, the devil asks him why he is laughing and the guy replies " I'm a fucking blow pop tester!"

A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe i should cook him a nice dinner And he loves ham so i'll get him some ham She went to the grocery store and asked mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "no all I have is some damham" She said "I'm a christian how dare you say that to me?" He said "No thats the brand see?" "Oh!" she said it has a beaver and a dam So she took it home and got ready to prepare it when her husband got in He said "Whats for dinner?" She said "We are having some damham" He said "Woman how dare you say that?" She said "no thats the brand" He said "Oh it has a beaver and a dam" She said "Lets eat" Father said "No we have to wait for our son" When the son came in he was greeted and when told to sit and prepare for dinner He said "cool wit me" His father began to eat he said son will you pass me dat damham He said "Oh Snap, Pops I didnt know you rolled like that?" "Pass me the motherfucking mashed potatoes"

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. " The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

One time, there was a boy named Johnnie who asked his mom if she wanted to play. She said "No Johnnie, why don't you go next door and see those construction workers build that house."� So Johnnie goes outside and watches them. Then he comes in 6 hours later and his mom asks, "Johnnie what did you do" and he replies, "Well, first we had to put the goddamn door up, but the muthafucker didn't fit, so we had to take the cocksucker back down again, shave a few pussy hairs off, and put the piece of shit back up again."�

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."

Young Man
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

Train Ride
A man with 8 children is traveling by train. A lady asked: "Are they your children?" Man: "No Madam! Actually I am the owner of a condom company and they are the complaints of my customers." Whats the difference between a coffin and a condom? One you go in the other you come in!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Two guys are talking about what they got their wives for Christmas. The First Guy says "I got my wife a lexus, and a diamond tennis bracelet" And the Second guy says why would you get her that? So the guy says "Well if she doesn't like the tennis bracelet she can drive the mercedes?" Okay I'm curious, what did you get your wife? The second man says "I got her a dildo and a snow blower" So the first Guy laughs and asks "Why would you get her that?" So the Man replies "When if she's not in the mood to blow she can go fuck herself"

There was an old motel out in the middle of nowhere when a big strong man walked in the door. He walked up to the counter and rang the bell. A small woman walked out from another room. "Yes? How may I help you? By the way, my name is Darly,… hot stuff" She said. "Well actually I'm married-" he started to say. "Oh fudgie!" she mumbled. "-um well any ways I need your largest room." he said. "Well okay. But the largest room we have is a very small and haunted room all the way in the back." She said. "I'll take it!" he said as he took the keys and went to the room to start unpacking all of his gym equiptment. Then he started to hear a smal tiny voice saying: 'I'm on a choclate island, I'm on a choclate island' The guy became so scared the he ran and jumped out the window and ran away with his teddy bear and pajamas. 1 MONTH LATER Another blizzard had came and a science nerd had went to the motel and asked for the largest room. He had gotten the same room the last man had gotten. "I'm warning you, it's haunted" Darly said. "Oh please, everyone knows there is no such thing as ghosts" He said. When he walked in he heard the same voice: 'I'm on a choclate island, I'm on a choclate island' He became so scared that he too ran out the window and never came back. 1 MONTH LATER Another blizzard had came and a famous comidian had went to the motel and asked for the largest room. He had gotten the same room the last man had gotten. "I'm warning you, it's haunted" Darly said. "Oh please, everyone knows there is no such thing as ghosts. I may be a comidian but I'm not that stupid, sheesh" He said. "Oh yeah right...that what the last guy said" Darly mumered to hersef. When he walked in he heard the same voice: 'I'm on a choclate island, I'm on a choclate island' He followed the voice to the bathroom and saw a cockroach sitting on a peice of floating shit in the toilet singing: "I'm on a choclate island, I'm on a choclate island" The guy looked down. "No your not your on a peice of shit!" He said. The cockroack looked up. "I'm not?" He said with a tiny voice. "No your not" The man said. "Oh...okay..." he said. He started to sing again: "I'm on a shitty island, I"m on a shitty island!"

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches… the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He woundered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "that's what I need .. a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.  Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."  The second friend agrees and hikes south. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, So, I came back to camp." "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"  "Nah," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732? Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number